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Thursday, 30 December 2010

My Life Has Changed A Lot This Year (2010)

MY LIFE HAS CHANGED A LOT THIS YEAR. I can’t grasp the immensity of these words, grabe. I can’t believe that in a span of twelve months, I have undergone a lot of life-changing experiences. As in. I might complain that everything around me seems boring, but looking back, I can see that I have succeeded in making it somewhat interesting, after all. I lost a lot of things this year, and some people, too, but the things I’ve gained and new personalities I've encountered still make me a winner in some aspects. Heehee.

So, to emphasize how much my life has changed in 2010, I’m gonna list down the most memorable events that took place in my life in each month. Good luck reading! :D


JANUARY

16 (Saturday): Life Speaking Volumes @ the CAP Building

It was soooo fun. Need I say more? Hehe. Shucks ang hirap na kasi mag name drop and everything. Haha. I’ll just keep in my memory the things that happened. Haha. Basta I know I didn’t get drunk. I was actually on the entrance, nagbabantay lang most of the time. Guess why. Kasi may crush ako dun? Uhhm.. Maybe. Chos. Ang gagwapo kasi ng mga Molay eh. Naks! :D Pasalamat kayo sis niyo ko ;) Pinakanaaalala ko lang yung moment when this lower-year-guy na crush ko eh dumating with other Anak UP people. I told sis Ivon na tatayo ako sa likod ni Rain tas picturean nia kami. Haha. Eh ang pahalata ko ata and I was giggling like stupid. So sabi nlng ni Ivon, “Picture daw kayo.” And Voila! May picture nga kaming dalawa. Yay! :D Ayun. It was really a helluva night. It was very fun and I was really happy. :D

That’s why I super miss my Baguio brods and sisses. They really know how to have fun :( Not just in events like this. Pero kahit simpleng hangout lang, super ang saya saya nila kasama. Huhu.


24 (Sunday): DD ng batch nina Nico. Ito yung may pimple akong malaki sa ilong eh. Anak ng. Haha. Hmn. May meet sa lodge yung Jobies pero umalis din agad (nagChurch kami, oha) tas bumalik na lang kami nina Iya para manuod saglit nung program. Hindi namin pinanuod yung buong cheneloo kasi bawal. And then fellowship na kina Kenneth. Witwiw. Ang ganda ko lang :D:D Chos!


FEBRUARY

06 (Saturday): I’m not sure kung ito yung akyat ni April na sinurprise nia ko eh. Basta one time kasi umakyat sha ng Baguio na hindi namin alam. Sabi nia kasi days before, hindi na nga sha matutuloy. Tas katext ko pa sha nun eh, morning. And then may biglang kumatok sa door tas sha na pala. Ang eksena lang ni April, grabe. May surprise pang nalalaman. Haha. I’m not really sure kung ito yung pagSurprise nia sa amin. Basta the whole week na she was there, ang saya saya ko lang. Ayoko mang aminin ng bongga, she really knows how to make me laugh. She makes fun of me a lot din kasi. And ang sarap magtampo kunwari. Lalo na pagfeel nia nang nagtatampo na nga ko, she’ll do everything to make me feel okay again. WEH. Hahaha. She stayed for a week tas sabay kami bumaba ng Manila, Feb12 :D In time for the VDay na as usual, I celebrated inside the house with me, myself, and I. Heehee.


20 (Saturday): Traffic Jam (A Sigma Beta event)

Dito ko nakilala si Pierre, na naging crush ko for some time. Hehe. And other brods from different places. Like most org events sa UPB, this is parteey party where one would wear Green if single, Red, if you’re in a relationship, and Yellow for it’s complicated. Hehe. I was wearing a black long-sleeved top inside a Green shirt. Mukha kong punk na ewan. Hahaha. Hindi naman ako dapat pupunta kaso yung brods at sisses andun so go lang. And! I was single and ready to mingle that time, so mas lalong go na tayo jan. Haha. Hindi kami okey ni Kat neto eh. Hahaha. I remember I saw her there. And ayun. Awkward. Date ata sha ni Jamil nun kaya nung may “after party” yung Jodera, she was there din. And since hindi naman ako nagsama sa kanya dun, at di nga kami okay, parang wala talaga akong paki skanya. Pero sabay parin ata kami umuwi. Hehe.

Another memorable thing that happened in this event was that nakapagusap kami ni Marvin after a loooong time and after what happened between us. I was about to get a drink and then he was standing beside the bar so parang ang automatic na na dapat talaga magusap kami. Gaddamit. Like how most awkward conversations start, nagkamustahan lang kami about his work, my studies (that he took part in damaging, loljk), and other “pang-hindi-close-na-usap.” I told him na magkagalit na naman kami ni Kat, blah blah blah. Hindi na sha nagulat dun shempre kasi I used to tell him about our rifts ni Kat eh. Hehe. We never talked about what happened to us. Like, everrrr. Until now. And I don’t think it still matters. So, whatever. Nakausap ko rin si kuya Jay and he was asking me kung si Greg daw ba yung bago ko. Haha. Well, hindi. Muntik lang. Chos! :D:D


23 (Tuesday): It’s my birthday! Weeee! ♥

Nagkaayos kami ni Kat dahil bday ko nga. Haha. at sinurprise nia ako. Sa Sunshine Park. Wahehe. Eto yung araw na naging close kami ni Xang! Si Jemo kasi, kahit di naman kami super close ay napasama because of Roan, Jan, ate April, at shempre, Kat. Kasi nga UPB Mountaineer silang lahat, ako lang di napasama magmountaineer dahil hirap akong gumising tuwing umaga. Pffft. So ayun, dahil magbrod si Jemo at Xang, at dahil crush pa namin sha ni ate April nung time na yun, sabi ko itext nia si Xang at isama kasi magpapainom nga ako. Haha. Tas nung nasa Kanem na kami, biglang dumating grupo ni Magne. At crush ko si Christian nun. Sayang wla ng free na table so di sila natuloy uminom doon. Tas katext ni Kat si Magne, so after a while Kat asked me kung pwede raw ba makisama si Magne. I said it was okay. Brod ko naman. Kung okey lang ba sa kanila.. Parang ang off kasi nandun din si Jemo. Eh hello, pinopormahan nio po ba pareho si Kat? Hehe. Awkward! And super naawa ako kay Jemo nun. Nakakatawa lang, si Xang at Magne andun tas di namin inisip na magiging couple sila after some time. Hahaha. So ayun. Birthday ko eh. Kaya sobrang masaya ko :D Hello, dapat lang. Yung buong week neto, grabe ubos pera ko kakapainom. Grabe!

Eto rin ata yung araw na natulog si Xang sa bahay at magkatabi kami at hindi ako makatulog dahil ang lakas niya lang humilik. Haha. At sobrang sikip ng kama. Tatlo ba naman kami nun nina ate April. Ako sa gitna :D


28 (Sunday): Panagbenga. Float Parade. Open Climb na nakakairita :D

Open Climb. Pinakahihintay ko. Medyo.. Kasi I really like mountain climbing! And I super miss it na! Huhu. Dahil maraming tao sa Session Road kasi nga float parade, and we were kinda sawa na kakapanuod at ayaw namin makipagsiksikan sa dami ng tao, we decided na mamundok na lang. Medyo nairita na ko, umpisa pa lang ng araw kasi ang daming pinapabili ng mga tao bago kami magkita kita. Nauna na kasi ako sa SM with ate April. Hinihintay na lang namin yung ibang housemate tas aalis na kami. Badtrip, ang dami pa palang kulang like batteries, drinking water, etc. Nautusan pa kami bumili. Eh hello ang daming tao. Hello rin, mahabang pila. Tas nung wala pa kaming makita, parang kasalanan pa namin. Eh wala nga. Kaasar talaga. Hindi na nga dapat ako sasama kaya lang niLure ako ni Roan. Wahehe. Kung hindi lang talaga dahil skanya, di na ako sasama nun eh. Kaso I promised kasi. Kaya sumama na ko, kahit sobrang wala na ako sa mood.

So, nung buong climb ang sungit ko na ewan. ‘Cause I’m bitchessa like that. Hehe. Feeling ko ang sama ko nun. Pero wala na kong magagwa. Haha. ayoko naman sila awayin lahat. Kaya ang tahimik ko na lang. Kasi alam kong wala talagang magandang lalabas sa bibig ko that time. Hehe. Pero nagEnjoy ako sa Tuna Pasta! Ever! Favorite naming magkakabahay ;) Uhm.. So. Dun ko lang narealize na when I’m feeling super bad, people won’t be able to do anything talaga to please me. And that I really can be super mean. Grabe! Natakot ako sa sarili ko nung time na ito talaga. Hahaha. Pero in fairness, through me, nalaman nila yung mistakes nila and narealize nila na ang amateur nila ever. Chos. sobrang kulang kasi sa experience. And sinabi ko naman na compared dun sa 1st Open Climb na napuntahan ko, this 2nd time was really crappy. Peace! It turned out to be just like a barkada trip lang. Nagkagalit galit, nagkagulo pa. Grabe. I know kasi na they could do better sana. Kaso ayun nga napabayaan. Anyway… It’s still experience ;) I’m gonna treasure it just the same.



MARCH

01-07 (Monday-Sunday): Session in Bloom

What I remember most about 2010’s Session in Bloom was that most of my wanderings there, I was all by myself.

21 (Sunday): Lipat Bahay with Jamil, Nico, Jerick

23 (Tuesday): Volante with Veena

25-28 (Friday-Monday) Party til you drop, literal


APRIL

06-09 (Tuesday-Friday): Akyat ng Baguio para a sikasuhin sana yung enrolment for Summer class

21 (Wednesday): Akayat ulit ng Baguio. 1am nakarating dun, nanggulo pa ko. Oha.

23-25 (Friday-Sunday): North Face Marathon

25 (Sunday): Installation ng Molay. Naks, Chapter Sweetheart!

26 (Monday): Born To be Wild!


MAY

21 (Friday): Birthday Celeb ni Jesse @ Club Filipino, first time ko mag MRT! Whooo!

22 (Saturday): Orientation sa UPOU


JULY

09 (Friday): Akyat ng Baguio

10 (Saturday): Concert ni Sarah G. Wahehe.

11 (Sunday): Installation ng Jobies, shot sa 7/11 lang ‘cause I was feeling really sick at busy din mga tao

13 (Monday): Shot kina Shang, PO at umuwi ng wasak si Veena magisa

14 (Tuesday): Nawalan ng cellphone sa GA

16-17 (Friday-Saturday): Inuman to the max hanggang madaling araw nina Shang tas sabay na kami bumaba ng Manila


****

Will stop there :D Wait na lang for the second part. I guess hanggang July na lang kasi medyo updated naman na yung mga sumunod na months dito sa page ko. Hehe. Halatang tamad eh nuh. Ahaaay. Anyway, the second part would be the conclusion of this whole year. OhYeah.

Monday, 20 December 2010

Fed Ex. Fed Up. Feed Me.

Bakit feeling ko ang liit liit na ng mundo ko. I feel the need to broaden my horizon once again. I feel so confined and restricted in everything I do. It’s crazy. I need to learn how to start breathing again. I guess. I'm so tiiiiiiiiiiiiiiired.

"You have trust issues."

Some things are hard to write about. After something happens to you, you go to write it down, and either you over dramatize it or under play it, exaggerate the wrong parts or ignore the important ones. At any rate, you never write it quite the way you want to.

-- Sylvia Plath

****

Something’s going on inside me lately. And I don’t really know what it is. I don’t even know if I wanna entertain the idea that something weird is happening inside. I have no concept of what it’s about. I don’t feel like naming it, never. The only thing I’m sure of is that I don’t like it, whatever it is.

I don’t want to talk about it sana eh. Kaya lang I feel the need to let it out. Because I am concluding that, it’ll eventually eat me up. I feel like crying, it hurts. Why? I’m not sure if I wanna talk about it here. I don’t want to. Not now, not ever. Ayun nga lang, para naman na kong in denial nian. I say one thing, even if I am actually feeling the opposite of what I say. Makes sense? Does not... Not to me, either. I’m not even sure why I’m working on this blog post right now.

****

I hate expecting. I hate being hopeful. I hate the statement ‘I’m looking forward to it.’ I hate fickle-mindedness. I hate making impulsive decisions. I hate planning. I hate plans. I hate routine. I hate myself right now. I hate. I bluntly hate. And I hate the fact that I’m not sure why.

Almost a year ago, someone said about me that I have trust issues. That time, I didn’t know what that means. I didn’t see myself that way. I didn’t know I have any problems when it comes to trusting people. I actually believe that I am too trusting. Like, I give everybody a chance, always. Really. I didn’t know why in the world he said that. Pero the moment I heard it, napaisip ako. Is it true? Do I really have trust issues? It’s just hard to forget. Since then, hindi na nawala sa isip ko. I still think about the essence of that statement until now.

Hmn.. So, bakit kaya? Is it because I am used to saying Weh, Talaga, Seryoso, and Hindi Nga? I guess nasabi nia yun because of that. Ayun lang siguro. Pero kasi naman. Since narinig ko na ngang nanggaling sa ibang tao, feeling ko tuloy, oo nga. I have trust issues.

Why? How come? What? I dunno… I trust the people I love, that’s for sure. Always. Pero minsan kasi, they still INEVITABLY or UNTINTENTIONALY let you down. It doesn’t actually hurt me when that happens, pero it makes me sad. Minsan hindi pa nila alam na they had let you down na. It’s sad. Kasi. I feel like it’s my fault. It’s my fault for expecting. And, at some point, kahit konting konti lang, kasalanan ko for believing in what they say? Am not making sense now, am I? Of course I’m supposed to believe in what they say because I love them. Super! I just don’t really like expecting. And it’s my fault I expect… I look forward to things… I anticipate events… I… I don’t know what else to say. I don’t think I am voicing out my feelings properly tonight... :( Grabe.

****

Pano ba… Teka para kasing ang inappropriate ng post na to. Ang gulo, ang labo, nonsense, incoherent, mysterious, secretive, whatever… Nalihis na sa talagang topic. Anyway. I don’t know what I feel :| Ang weird ng feeling. Sobra. And I can’t and don’t wanna try to analyze it here today. Wag muna...? Deym.

****

Most of the times, I don’t make plans. I know I have to make things happen if it’s really up to me lang. Kapag may involvement na ng ibang tao, I need a Go signal. Pero unless mangyayare na or we’re doing it na in a minute, dun pa lang ako super maniniwala na it will happen na nga. I’m vague. Sobra. And honestly, I am leaving something out. It just feels like now’s not yet the right time to make sense out of the true issue… Or whatever this thing inside me is. This thing that is bothering me and making me sad. Sucks.

Wednesday, 1 December 2010

I Am Tired Like This (But Still Awesome)

There are times when you just feel so heavy that the urge to lean or to lie down on anything is so strong, you can’t resist it. Most times, you’re just really tired, you feel so restless. But sometimes, your being restless is intensified by the fact that you have so many burdens on your back, you can’t take it anymore. Burden in the form of responsibilities, problems, commitments, expectations, etc. You feel so tired, all you want to do is give up. But you can’t. Because… well, you just can’t. Just because.

I hate this feeling sooo much. And I feel this more often than I should. Demmit. When I’m outdoors and this feeling strikes me, I kinda wish a car would just hit me right then and there. Seriously. ‘Cause I can’t just drag myself in the middle of the street and come across all the cars facing me, right? That would be like suicide. And. I. Am. Not. Suicidal. Anymore. Was I ever? Hahaha.

So anyway. Today is really fucked up. I hate the world today. Really. And I hated myself, too. When I was walking on the way to IC this afternoon, I wanted to just turn around, go home, and lie on my bed to sleep. I want to forget everything for the meantime. I was so tired, I nearly cried. Damn. I wanted to sleep and I wished that everything would instantly brighten up when I wake up. Today is one of those days that I wished I’d just be hit by a car. Whatever. Because I’m masokista like that. Haaay. I wanted to be saved. But. I dunno… It was impossible at the moment. Or whatever. I just kept on looking up at the sky, praying it wouldn’t rain. I felt so heavy, I didn’t think I would be able bear any addition to my tediousness, even if it would just be a single drop of rain. I swear I would’ve cried if that happened. If the sky rained down on me on one of my weakest state... Crying in the rain, oh yeah. Haha. Di ko pa nagagwa yun, to be honest :b

And it’s _____ that I know that only one person could’ve brighten up this day.

Uhm. Wait. I put a blank there ‘cause I can’t decide what word would best describe it eh. It could be awesome, weird, cool, strange, wonderful, pathetic, stupid, crazy, beautiful, or something. Whatever. You decide.

So… It’s blank that I know only one person could’ve brighten up this day. And I was waiting eagerly for that to happen. But it didn’t. And I am not blaming anybody anyway… So, no worries. And it’s nobody’s fault. I swear. I just know he could. But it was really impossible kanina. Because of the situation? Our emotions at that time? Because of what’s happening? Whatever it was… Really. When I was walking along SC (yeah, I did a whole LOT of walking today), I was kinda hoping he’d send me a message and all the blues would go away. I thought na if we were just in a good mood, I wouldn’t mind na magpabalik balik from IC and Kalayaan dorm kasi we were okay. Ayun. Kaya lang we’re kinda not. And I felt bad. My kapaguran was intensified. It was really exasperating. I wanted to uhm… die? Kidding. I just wanted to sleep :( and sleep and sleep. Until everything’s okay na ulit.

Sunday, 28 November 2010

It’s the scariest thing ever to realize how much someone means to you. When it hits you, I mean really hits you, all these thoughts and questions rush through your head at once. A sad emotion even starts to creep on you slowly inch by inch as you start to wonder.

What if for some reason things don’t work out? –How are you going to live without them?

Someone that was once a stranger now is the only person you know like the back of your hand. Someone you once had no emotions for, now has the power to break your heart. Someone you never used to hang out with, now owns most of your time. Someone you never thought you’d love, now owns your entire heart. Someone you once lived without, you now wish to hold onto forever.


-Anon.

Monday, 15 November 2010

Bbbbored

November 14 2010. 0425pm @McDo Philcoa

Waiting. Writing. Waiting. Waiting. Writing.

How boring is it to wait? It’s like this. Very… Very boring.
I am so bored, I cannot describe the feeling profoundly.
The struggle to keep your eyes open would kill you. Sigh. Or maybe I’m just sleepy. Sleepy na kakahintay. Bored. Sleepy. Haha. But isn’t Boredom = Sleep? ‘Cause when you’re bored, you’d most likely fall asleep. It would always make you yearn for the nearest bed, I swear.
It would make you want to kill everybody else in the background para lang may magawang exciting. It would drive you crazy.

It would make you think of the person you’re waiting for. What if something bad happened to her/him? What if something good happened to her/him? Soooo good, it made her/him forget that someone is waiting for her/him. Hate. I hate waiting.

(I’m waiting for my sister, btw. Ang labo ng mga sinabi ko.)

Never Again, Promise

Thank you very much. :)

It was so funny I was hysterical. That’s why I liked it. Liked with the “d,” yeah. Exactly after a split second form the moment I liked it, I regretted what I did. It hit me that I shouldn’t have done it. Actually, from my own point of view, it was stupid and so low. It was just that the damage was already done, so I can’t do anything about it anymore. I cannot “Unlike” it without her knowing that I liked it in the first place.

So… Why did I like it anyway? :D I honestly don’t know. It was like another person did it for me. I wasn’t quite myself that time, seriously. So… Why?? Uhm, maybe because it made me laugh? Hehe. It was funny to me, really. And I don’t know why. Weird. That’s why I clicked the button without thinking. It was an impulsive move and it was so stupid. I didn’t think about how it would make him feel… and I felt really bad.

It has been a long time since I felt that way. I felt like a child who did something bad… Who doesn’t know how to tell her parents what she did… Trying to hide it in any way possible… Just waiting for them to find out… Waiting to be punished.

I swear that was how I felt. It made me wanna burry my face in my hands. It made me want to disappear.

And it has been a long time since I wanted to just disappear like a bubble. That was how bad I felt. I was sorta kinda ashamed. HAHAHA. I dunno why. It was really stupid.

Because making him upset is the last thing that I ever want to make him feel. I really am sorry. It won’t happen again.
I don’t really care about that girl anyway. HAHA.

Wednesday, 10 November 2010

Friday, 5 November 2010

The Way I See It

Previously on my life… ;)


1. I’m finding it hard to write again. Why, oh why? Is it because I am… Idk. What? Well, I’ve always known naman na when I’m happy, it’s more difficult for me to write down what I feel. So there, I AM HAPPY :D It seems like it’s easier to jot down feelings if they were all negative. Bakit kaya? Hm. Maybe it’s because when you’re sad, depressed, or filled with negative energy, things are all locked up inside so you actually need to force them all out. On the other hand, when you’re overwhelming with all the positive emotions, you instantly share it with the world. It would actually burst out from all the corners of your soul without you trying. There is no need to make and find your own outlet when we talk about positive energies. It just exits your body uncontrollably. I think happiness flows outside us so that it could be shared with the world whether we like it or not. While with loneliness, although it’s contagious, it is harder to spread that’s why it’s locked up inside us most of the time. And we really have to think of subtle ways to let it out. */wrist* Kidding! :b

2. My goal right now is to finish AA first, then I’d decide what I’m really gonna do with my life, career-wise. I fucked up those three years in Baguio and now that I’m into another program, I might as well take it seriously this time. Hehe. I don’t regret that I didn’t take my studies in UPB seriously, though. What’s important is that I learned a lot of lessons about life and gained a lot of experiences and memories (and weight? Lol) that I will treasure forever... OhYeah. So please, don’t tell me sinayang ko yung time ko dun, kasi swear, I learned a lot. And the things that happened to me there made me who I am today ;)

3. So, about issues of the heart naman… I used to hear the statement “Guard your heart” a lot. And I never do. Hehe. I always give in to whatever it wants. Sobra. Because I know it’s what I want. Haha. Labo. Malamang diba :b When it comes to love, I seldom use my brain. I just don’t actually follow it unless I’m being super pathetic na. And anyway, love doesn’t have to be rational, right? So why use your brain and guard you heart? ;) Ehdi hindi na love yun :b If you think you’re already falling, why stop yourself and hold your breath? There is no way you could get up if you didn’t fall. So I guess falling is really a requirement in life. You’d never pass life without failing, yeah. And like what I often say, “Kung masaya ka ngayon, ehdi maganda. And if things turned out bad, at nasaktan ka, there’s no other way but to move forward. At least you WERE happy.” Ganun naman talaga, kung may up, may down. Hehe. And we couldn’t be on top always. What’s important is the here and now. Like, I don’t care about tomorrow basta I love you now and you love me today... ;) And it’s up to us to make it last. Wuhoo!

So are we really talking about love here? ‘Cause you don’t really talk about love, you feel it ;) Hehe. Ako na talaga. I can’t deny the fact that I am in love. Why would I? I am actually proud of it. And I swear, I’ve never been this happy before. And it’s mainly because of this thing called love (which isn’t actually a thing). And it's because of HIM pala. I’m so happy I feel like crying :’) Over. Haha. And it shows. Being in love… It’s so obvious, you can’t hide it. You can’t even try. Remember what I said that when you’re happy, happiness just flows out of your system freely? That is what’s happening to me right now. People knows, ‘cause it emanates. Yes. The force of love is so zealous that there’s no way you could hide it. And I told you I wouldn’t! :D:D ♥

4. Family issues, anyone? Hmn. This is one sensitive topic that’s really hard for me to write about. I just love my family so much. I guess... Haha. Kidding. FCourse I do! And it’s really hard not to get emotional and all about it. I mean, just read my previous post concerning this... it’s so sad. But anyway… I used to play with the idea of having a dysfunctional family. Wait. For the record, I don’t. We’re kinda normal naman. I guess. Hehe. It’s not that I want the family I belong to be dysfunctional than it already is, okay. But I used to play with this idea a long long time ago for me to have an excuse regarding my careless attitude.* I found out later on that I couldn't blame another person for my behaviour, though. It’s just ME. It’ll always be up to me. Other people might influence us in some manner, but in the end, the things that we do would always be based on our personal principles and beliefs. It’s up to us if we let others affect our every thoughts and actions. Yeah.

* I’M NOT CARELESS ANYMORE, DON’T WORRY. OR AT LEAST, I'M TRYING TO BE CAREFUL NA :D

5. I really like reading books. Because books take you into different places. Somewhere that you are not. It’s like being able to travel without actually moving your fat ass. Hehe. My fat ass, in that case :b Deym. And with books, you could familiarize yourself with some life lessons that are manifested in the stories. So that when the time comes that you find yourself in a certain situation in life that you’ve already kinda read somewhere, you’d already have an idea of what to do or at least what it is about.

So, recently, I find it hard to concentrate on the books that I’m currently reading nga. At ang dami nang nakapilang libro. Grabe. Medyo weird lang kasi dati sobrang gusto ko kayang tinatapos agad mga binabasa ko. But now, it’s hard for me to concentrate on what I’m reading. It’s either I’d fall asleep on it, or my mind would just wander into other things. Hmn… I guess I just need a really good book like those that I’ve been reading before. Books from Coelho, Palahniuk, Gaiman, and Murakami. Hehe. Sorry, those are my favourite authors eh :b There. Pero hindi rin eh. Haaay. Labo. Okaya... Maybe vampires, weres, fairies, and other supernatural creatures aren’t for me lang talaga. Or tinatamad lang tlaga ko magbasa? Haha. Or wala ng time :( Huhu. Why am I super busy nowadays? O feeling ko lang yun? God, I feel so restless.



Ayun. Natapos rin. Pinakamahabang blog post ko na ‘to for this month, so far. Hehe. Grabe kasi. So much to do, so little time. Parang ang daming kelangan gawin, konti na lang time ko para sa sarili ko? O feeling ko lang? Hahaha. Feelingera much? Ayun. May naisip na kong topic for my next post, really. And it’s about my dad. *Straight face, then smirk* Why can’t we get along really well? OhGod. Pareho pa man din kaming Pisces… Uhm, anong connect? Ah, basta meron. Hehe. So. There... These are the happenings on my life and the things that are running in my mind recently :* Hmn, kulang pa yan shempre. Anong gusto mo, nobela? Chos! :D

** First November post ko pala 'to. Weeee! :*

Wednesday, 27 October 2010

UGH.

So. I just feel like writing tonight. I was about to write down what’s in my mind na kanina on my new thought notebook eh. But since I’m online, I might as well type it na lang here para diretso na. :D

Pero. Actually I don’t have any specific topic in my mind right now. I just wanna… Write. And type everything that would come out of my head, through my hands. Or something like that. Or whatever. Idk. Whatthefuck.

I feel so lutang tonight. Bigla na lang. Parang okey naman ako kaninang umaga. Hang labo. Parang ayoko magisip pero gusto ko may pinaglalaruang idea sa utak ko. Gaddammit.

Bakithindiakomapakali?! Huhu.
I need an environmental change. Out of town, tara!

Thursday, 21 October 2010

Arte-ist


Because nothing has changed.

The original post can be seen HERE :D Look for it! Heehee. It's almost a year already. Nothing's changed. I still want to write, paint, and do something crafty.. Or creative.. Whatever. I miss being able to draw, paint, and write things that reflect the wonders of my soul. Argh. Where to start? It's just so chaotic inside. But wonderful, nonetheless.

Tuesday, 19 October 2010

It’s My Life

Is it HIS life in the same way that this is MY life, and that is YOUR life?

It's like saying 'Wala kang pakialam.' See. That is where the loophole to all this crap starts. I can’t just leave him alone and let him be because it is HIS life. Am I not a part of his life? If anything bad happens, and he fell apart, is he not going to come to me and ask for my help? I am not avoiding that I-need-your-help situation. I just usually feel bad when I can’t do anything about another person’s problem. Especially a friend’s. It bothers me a lot that something is bothering them. And I can’t do anything about it. These people are part of my life, why can’t I be a part of theirs? Something like that. I kinda feel like I'm missing the whole point here, but whatever. I just need to let this all out. Fuck philosophizing. And twilighting. Fuck life. Whoo, why did I ever take this seriously? Anyway.

In the first place, why do people ask for other people’s advices and help if what they are dealing with is THEIR life. THEIR life, not MINE, hence, I should not mess with it or whatever. That I am actually outside it. Or I shouldn’t care about them at all, or just let them be. Just because of the cliché IT IS HIS LIFE (or It’s MY Life), not mine. What is the whole point of sharing something to me if you don’t think I am a part of your life? What. I have so much more to say, I just dunno how to put it clearly. I’m really imprecise that I can’t understand myself sometimes as well. But please don’t get me wrong… I’m just trying to express what I feel. Or think. And it doesn’t mean you have to agree with me. It’s not like I am looking for a fight or something.

It’s his life. So... When I heard that, I felt kind of mixed up. I can’t make the person happy. I don’t have the ability. And no matter how many times you mess with the world, it will still be that other person’s life, and not my life. Does that mean I have no say or whatever about it? It made me feel bad. No… It just made me think things over. I don’t know what you’re implying. I just don’t know anything. Does that mean I shouldn’t care with anybody at all? Precisely because it’s not my life? Or that I really can’t make you happy because the secret to happiness is actually in your own hands? God, this is becoming so circular, it’s getting stupid. Okay, this is definitely going to stop na.

I just think that no matter how much people want to be alone, no matter how much we say we should mind our own businesses, and no matter how much we like to do things by ourselves, without caring about what other people would think, we just cannot actually say that this is our life. Like, THIS IS MY LIFE. Or whatever. I dunno. I just think na in some way, we are all connected and interrelated that whatever happens in each individual kind of affects the whole world. Or a specific societal system, at least. I don’t know. I guess mashado lang Holistic yung perspective ko. Is it wrong? Or do I have a point? I don’t know! I just can’t really let things be because they are a part of me, as well as I am a part of them. *Sigh*

I dunno. I really don’t know. I am not so sure with a lot of things about my own life as well. BUT. When I say I’m sure I want something, I really really want it, and nothing would take away my attention from it. Call it selfishness.

Friday, 8 October 2010

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where. I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride; so I love you because I know no other way.

—Pablo Neruda

Thursday, 7 October 2010

Hooray for Haruki Murakami

Because I love reading Haruki Murakami so much, I decided to give him a page here on my blog :D Whoo! So, why do I love thee? The first book I’ve read from him is Kafka On The Shore. I was intrigued by his wild imagination, and from that moment until now, he had a grip on me. I think he’s a real genius and he’s one of my favourite authors. I put down excerpts of some of his books here. Just because I love rereading them. And hell, they’re all from Haruki Murakami!

AFTER DARK

I think memory is the most important asset of human beings. It’s a kind of fuel; it burns and it warms you.

****

It’s not as if our lives are divided simply into light and dark. There’s a shadowy middle ground. Recognizing and understanding the shadows is what a healthy intelligence does.

****

In this world, there are things you can only do alone, and things you can only do with somebody else. It’s important to combine the two in just the right amount.

****

Someday you’ll find the right person, Mari, and you’ll learn to have a lot more confidence in yourself. That’s what I think. So don’t settle for anything less. In this world, there are things you can only do alone, and things you can only do with somebody else. It’s important to combine the two in just the right amount.

BLIND WILLOW, SLEEPING WOMAN

I sometimes think that people’s hearts are like deep wells. Nobody knows what’s at the bottom. All you can do is imagine by what comes floating to the surface every once in a while.

****

He was silent for thirty seconds, maybe a minute. I uncrossed my legs under the table and wondered if this was the right moment to leave. It was as if my whole life revolved around trying to judge the right point in a conversation to say goodbye.

DANCE, DANCE, DANCE

I doubt that this makes sense to most people. But I think I’m right. People die all the time. Life is a lot more fragile than we think. So you should treat others in a way that leaves no regrets. Fairly, and if possible, sincerely. It’s too easy not to make the effort, then weep and wring your hands after the person dies. Personally, I don’t buy it.

****

I knew what was eating her. We got along well, but what she was after, the image in her mind, was somewhere else, not where I was. She wanted a kind of autonomy of communication. A scene where the hero — whose name was “Communication” — led the masses to a bright, bloodless revolution, spotless white flags waving. So that perfection would swallow imperfection and make it whole. To me, love is a pure idea forged in flesh, awkwardly maybe, but it had to connect somewhere, despite twists and turns of underground cable. An all-too-imperfect thing. Sometimes the lines get crossed. Or you get a wrong number. But that’s nobody’s fault. It’ll always be like that, so long as we exist in this physical form. As a matter of principle.

KAFKA ON THE SHORE

Anyone who falls in love is searching for the missing pieces of themselves. So anyone who’s in love gets sad when they think of their lover. It’s like stepping back inside a room you have fond memories of, one you haven’t seen in a long time. It’s only a natural feeling.

****

Everyone of us is losing something precious to us. Lost opportunities, lost possibilities, feelings we can never get back again. That’s part of what it means to be alive. But inside our heads—at least that’s where I imagine it—there’s a little room where we store those memories. A room like the stacks in this library. And to understand the workings of our own heart we have to keep on making new reference cards. We have to dust things off every once in a while, let in fresh air, change the water in the flower vases. In other words, you’ll live forever in your own little private library.

****

And once the storm is over you won’t remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won’t even be sure, in fact, whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm you won’t be the same person who walked in. That’s what this storm’s all about.

****

And you really will have to make it through that violent, metaphysical, symbolic storm. No matter how metaphysical or symbolic it might be, make no mistake about it: it will cut through flesh like a thousand razor blades. People will bleed there, and you will bleed too. Hot, red blood. You’ll catch that blood in your hands, your own blood and the blood of others. And once the storm is over you won’t remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won’t even be sure, in fact, whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm you won’t be the same person who walked in. That’s what this storm’s all about.

****

Every single day, each time I see her face, see her, it’s utterly precious.

****

Symbolism and meaning are two separate things. I think she found the right words by bypassing procedures like meaning and logic. She captured words in a dream, like delicately catching hold of a butterfly’s wings as it flutters around. Artists are those who can evade the verbose.

****

Closing your eyes isn’t going to change anything. Nothing’s going to disappear just because you can’t see what’s going on. In fact, things will be even worse the next time you open your eyes. Only a coward closes his eyes. Closing your eyes and plugging up your ears won’t make time stand still

****

Sometimes fate is like a small sandstorm that keeps changing directions. You change direction but the sandstorm chases you. You turn again, but the storm adjusts. Over and over you play this out, like some ominous dance with death just before dawn. Why? Because this storm isn’t something that blew in from far away, something that has nothing to do with you. This storm is you. Something inside of you. So all you can do is give in to it, step right inside the storm, closing your eyes and plugging up your ears so the sand doesn’t get in, and walk through it, step by step. There’s no sun there, no moon, no direction, no sense of time. Just fine white sand swirling up into the sky like pulverized bones. That’s the kind of sandstorm you need to imagine.

An you really will have to make it through that violent, metaphysical, symbolic storm. No matter how metaphysical or symbolic it might be, make no mistake about it: it will cut through flesh like a thousand razor blades. People will bleed there, and you will bleed too. Hot, red blood. You’ll catch that blood in your hands, your own blood and the blood of others.

And once the storm is over you won’t remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won’t even be sure, in fact, whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm you won’t be the same person who walked in. That’s what this storm’s all about.

****

I guess lazy’s my middle name, and when things get sticky I tend to head for the door. Not to brag or anything, but I’m pretty quick on my feet. I’ve never followed anything to the bitter end. Which is sort of a problem, I suppose.

****

Narrow minds devoid of imagination. Intolerance, theories cut off from reality, empty terminology, usurped ideals, inflexible systems. Those are things that really frighten me. What I absolutely fear and loathe. Of course it’s important to know what’s right and what’s wrong. Individual errors in judgement can usually be corrected . As long as you have the courage to admit mistakes, things can be turned around. But intolerant, narrow minds with no imagination are like parasites that transform the host, change form and continue to thrive.

****

Things outside you are projections of what’s inside you, and what’s inside you is a projection of what’s outside. So when you step into the labyrinth outside you, at the same time you’re stepping into the labyrinth inside.

****

There are a lot of things that aren’t your fault. Or mine, either. Not the fault of prophecies, or curses, or DNA, or absurdity. Not the fault of Structuralism or the Third Industrial Revolution. We all die and disappear, but that’s because the mechanism of the world itself is built on destruction and loss. Our lives are just shadows of that guiding principle. Say the wind blows. It can be a strong, violent wind or a gentle breeze. But eventually every kind of wind dies out and disappears. Wind doesn’t have form. It’s just a movement of air. You should listen carefully, and then you’ll understand the metaphor.

****

Perhaps most people in the world aren’t trying to be free, Kafka. They just think they are. It’s all an illusion. If they really were set free, most people would be in a real bind. You’d better remember that. People actually prefer not being free.

****

I’m not beyond good and evil, exactly— they just don’t matter to me. I have no idea what’s good or what’s evil. I’m a very pragmatic being. A neutral object, as it were, and all I care about is consummating the function I’ve been given to perform.

****

The pure present is an ungraspable advance of the past devouring the future. In truth, all sensation is already memory.

****

Silence, I discover, is something you can actually hear.

****

A certain type of perfection can only be realized through a limitless accumulation of the imperfect

NORWEGIAN WOOD

So please try not to hate me. I am a flawed human being - a far more flawed human being than you realize. Which is precisely why I do not want you to hate me. Because if you were to do that, I would really go to pieces. I can’t do what you do: I can’t slip inside my shell and wait for things to pass.

****

But who can say what’s best? That’s why you need to grab whatever chance you have of happiness where you find it, and not worry about other people too much. My experience tells me that we get no more than two or three such chances in a life time, and if we let them go, we regret it for the rest of our lives.

****

I didn’t have much to say to anybody but kept to myself and my books. With my eyes closed, I would touch a familiar book and draw its fragrance deep inside me. This was enough to make me happy.

SOUTH OF THE BORDER, WEST OF THE SUN

I think you still love me, but we can’t escape the fact that I’m not enough for you. I knew this was going to happen. So I’m not blaming you for falling in love with another woman. I’m not angry, either. I should be, but I’m not. I just feel pain. A lot of pain. I thought I could imagine how much this would hurt, but I was wrong.

****

But I didn’t understand then. That I could hurt somebody so badly she would never recover. That a person can, just by living, damage another human being beyond repair.

****

I started to go to the library, devouring every book I could lay my hands on. Once I began one, I couldn’t put it down. Reading was an addiction, I read while I ate, on the train, in bed till late at night, in school, where I’d keep the book hidden so I could read during class.

SPUTNIK SWEETHEART

Why do people have to be this lonely? What’s the point of it all? Millions of people in this world, all of them yearning, looking to others to satisfy them, yet isolating themselves. Why? Was the earth put here just to nourish human loneliness?

****

That we were wonderful travelling companions but in the end no more than lonely lumps of metal in their own separate orbits. From far off they look like beautiful shooting stars, but in reality they’re nothing more than prisons, where each of us is locked up alone, going nowhere. When the orbits of these two satellites of ours happened to cross paths, we could be together. Maybe even open our hearts to each other. But that was only for the briefest moment. In the next instant, we’d be in absolute solitude. Until we burned up and became nothing.

****

A deep silence ensued. Her mind was as clear as the winter night sky, the Big Dipper and North Star in place, twinkling brightly. She had so many things she has to write, so many stories to tell. If she could only find the right outlet, heated thoughts and ideas would gush out like lava, congealing into a steady stream of inventive works, the likes of which the world had never seen. People’s eyes would pop wide open at the sudden debut of this Promising Young Writer with a Rare Talent. A photo of her, smiling cooly, would appear in the arts section of the newspaper, and editors would beat a path to her door.

****

Don’t pointless things have a place, too, in this far-from-perfect world?

****

Given the chance, people are surprisingly frank when they talk about themselves. “I’m honest and open to a ridiculous degree,” they’ll say, or “I’m thin-skinned and not the type who gets along easily in the world.” Or “I am very good at sensing others’ true feelings.” But any number of times I’ve seen people who say they’re easily hurt hurt other people for no apparent reason. Self-styled honest and open people, without realizing what they’re doing, blithely use some self-serving excuse to get what they want. And those “good at sensing others’ true feelings” are duped by the most transparent flattery. It’s enough to make me ask the question: How well do we really know ourselves?

****

So that’s how we live our lives. No matter how deep and fatal the loss, no matter how important the thing that’s stolen from us—that’s snatched right out of our hands—even if we are left completely changed, with only the outer layer of skin from before, we continue to play out our lives this way, in silence. We draw ever nearer to the end of our allotted span of time, bidding it farewell as it trails off behind. Repeating, often adroitly, the endless deeds of the everyday. Leaving behind a feeling of immeasurable emptiness.

THE WIND-UP BIRD CHRONICLE

Certain kinds of information are like smoke: they work their way into people’s eyes and minds whether sought out or not, and with no regard to personal preference.

****

It’s like when you put instant rice pudding mix in a bowl in the microwave and push the button, and you take the cover off when it rings, and there you’ve got rice pudding. I mean, what happens in between the time when you push the switch and when the microwave rings? You can’t tell what’s going on under the cover. Maybe the instant rice pudding first turns into macaroni gratin in the darkness when nobody’s looking and only then turns back into rice pudding. We think it’s only natural to get rice pudding after we put rice pudding mix in the microwave and the bell rings, but to me, that is just a presumption. I would be kind of relieved if, every once in a while, after you put rice pudding mix in the microwave and it rang and you opened the top, you got macaroni gratin. I suppose I’d be shocked, of course, but I don’t know, I think I’d be kind of relieved too. Or at least I think I wouldn’t be so upset, because that would feel, in some ways, a whole lot more real.

****

Every now and then I would feel a violent stab of loneliness. The very water I drink, the very air I breathe, would feel like long, sharp needles. The pages of a book in my hands would take on the threatening metallic gleam of razor blades. I could hear the roots of loneliness creeping through me when the world was hushed at four o’clock in the morning.

****

It was not one of those strong, impulsive feelings that can hit two people like an electric shock when they first meet, but something quieter and gentler, like two tiny lights travelling in tandem through a vast darkness and drawing imperceptibly closer to each other as they go.

****

Here’s what I think, Mr. Wind-Up Bird,” said May Kasahara. “Everybody’s born with some different thing at the core of their existence. And that thing, whatever it is, becomes like a heat source that runs each person from the inside. I have one too, of course. Like everybody else. But sometimes it gets out of hand. It swells or shrinks inside me, and it shakes me up. What I’d really like to do is find a way to communicate that feeling to another person. But I can’t seem to do it. They just don’t get it. Of course, the problem could be that I’m not explaining it very well, but I think it’s because they’re not listening very well. They pretend to be listening, but they’re not, really. So I get worked up sometimes, and I do some crazy things.

****

Kumiko and I felt something for each other from the beginning. It was not one of those strong, impulsive feelings that can hit two people like an electric shock when they first meet, but something quieter and gentler, like two tiny lights travelling in tandem through a vast darkness and drawing imperceptibly closer to each other as they go. As our meetings grew more frequent, I felt not so much that I had met someone new as that I had chanced upon a dear old friend.

****

It was a small hand, neither hot nor cold. It had neither the intimate touch of a lover’s hand nor the functional touch of a doctor’s. It had the same effect on me as her eyes had, turning me into a vacant house.

WHAT I TALK ABOUT WHEN I TALK ABOUT RUNNING

Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional. Say you’re running and you start to think, I can’t take it anymore. The hurt part is an unavoidable reality, but whether or not you can stand any more is up to the runner himself.


(This is not all. If I could just put his whole books here, I would. I would never get over the genius that is Haruki Murakami.)

Wednesday, 6 October 2010

And..

"And I love you more than I could say
And probably more than you'd ever wanna hear anyway
But I'm sure you get that an awful lot
And I miss you more than you could know
And no matter how I try I just can't let it go
I'm hoping you feel the same way.."

** Oh! This is my first post for October :)

I think we ought to read only the kind of books that wound or stab us. If the book we’re reading doesn’t wake us up with a blow to the head, what are we reading for? So that it will make us happy, as you write? Good Lord, we would be happy precisely if we had no books, and the kind of books that make us happy are the kind we could write ourselves if we had to. But we need books that affect us like a disaster, that grieve us deeply, like the death of someone we loved more than ourselves, like being banished into forests far from everyone, like a suicide. A book must be the axe for the frozen sea within us. That is my belief.

—Franz Kafka

Tuesday, 28 September 2010

Hot And Cold

One sign that I am totally not myself tonight:

I went out of the house into the garage to charge my cell phone. I don’t feel like explaining why I had to charge my phone in an outlet outside the house, so I won’t, but believe me, there’s a valid reason. So. On my way back, I saw a glass of water and I thought it would be best to bring it on the sink to be able to be washed. I dunno who used it and it sort of looked like it wasn’t clean.

I dunno what got into me, but maybe because of the glass in my hand, my head impulsively thought that I needed a drink. Without really thinking about what I was doing, I went to the fridge then filled it with cold water and then I drank from it! The horror! Kidding. I didn’t really over react. So. I didn’t realize yet that it was not clean until I drank up all its contents. My eyes just widened a little bit, thinking what I just did. Then that’s it. Like, whatever. I can’t do anything about it anymore. The water’s in my stomach already. And it’s not like I’m that maarte to try to throw up. So, what the hell.

****

There. That’s just one sign that I am not myself tonight. I dunno why I’m like this. See, I don’t like the feeling. It’s like I suddenly hated the world. I felt… empty. And that is the least thing that I should be feeling, okay. Hello, hormonal imbalance. FuckYeah.

I should be ecstatic since today was great. I met up some people and they were awesome (you’re the awesome-est, okay..). So I guess I must be tired. I feel really restless. Or most probably I am just PMS-ing. And that is so fucked up. I don’t really feel like talking to anybody tonight. Not at all.

Monday, 27 September 2010

Splash!

Because this is one of the memorable experiences I have in Baguio City last sem, I feel the need to share it here. And. I don’t really want to forget what happened because it was a big deal at school the day after it actually happened. And this was so funny and scary at the same time.

It was one chilly night in February. Or March. Or April, maybe? Haha. Anyway.. So.. It was one chilly night in one of the early months of this year and me and my housemates in Military Cut Off in Baguio City were joking around or something when one of us, (Shocks, I could barely remember if it was me, or Kat or April, but for sure it’s not Roan, since she was kinda sleeping na that time. Haha) went to the sink to wash her hands when suddenly, the faucet popped. Oh wait, I dunno how to describe it, really. But the faucet was so loose that it came off (?) from where it was so the water burst out in all its strength, spreading itself all over the kitchen. As in everything was wet.

(MagtaTagalog na lang ako okey. Hehe. Or Taglish.)

Ayun nga, natanggal yung gripo kasi loose na ung, well, gripo :D Tapos, sumabog ung tubig, as in nabasa halos ung buong kusina pati ung nagbukas ng gripo, na hindi ko na maalala kung sino. Si April ata..? Ehdi labasan yung mga natira sa kwarto. Si Kat, dahil yung mga papel nia ay nasa kitchen table, medyo nagpanic. Shempre nabasa. Hehe. Tapos super nataranta na kami, hindi namin alam kung pano pipigilan yung tubig na sobrang lakas na lumalabas sa gripo. As in grabe. Naapahinto naman namin kaso yung may hawak, yung mismong nagpipigil na water force, dapat andun lang sha forever. Eh hindi naman pwede yun, duh. Tapos basing basa pa yung buong bahay. Parang ewan tlaga. Basing basa na manlulumo ka kasi nakaktamad linisin. Kami naman, although medyo asar na kasi dapat natutulog na kami, dinaan na lng naming sa tawanan. Wuhoo. Lagi naman kami nagtatawanan whenever we’re together eh. Haha.

And then suddenly… To our surprise, someone knocked on the door! It was the brother of our landlady. He’s really creepy because he’s always drunk and for me, he’s the epitome of “ka-manyakan” promise.

We thought he heard how strong the water force was that’s why he knocked. At first, we decided not to tell him the problem and just solve it ourselves, but we were really tired na and all so we just wanna hand him over the problem so that we could sleep. We wanted him to fix the faucet so that we all could retire.

We found out later on that he never heard that the water was going crazy and that the faucet was broken. He just wanted to annoy us. See, he was drunk and crazier than the water. He joked a lot, offended us in some way, and made me really irritated, while fixing the goddamn gripo. He even touched Katrine’s legs on his way out of the door to get some tool! God. So, Kat was sitting in the kitchen table, I was leaning on the bedroom door, while the others were pretending to be asleep. When he kinda touched Kat’s legs, I ordered Kat to go inside the bedroom and just stay there until the faucet gets fixed and the man was out. I was a little mad at her for staying near the bastard and showing herself without a bra underneath her thin shirt. She was merely covering her chest with her hands. So, I asked April to help me out. I mean, to sort of accompany the man while he was inside the house. But April, and her super duper quirky self, tried teasing the man and everything. At first it was funny, but after a few minutes, everything kind of got offensive and out of hand. Well, may bad is that I kinda joked with them too. Knowing the man was drunk, and drunk persons are super sarap pagtripan, we said that April was a guy. Hehe. Of course the man didn’t buy it. He said, “Kung lalaki ka, bat ang laki ng boobs mo?” THEN HE TOUCHED HER BOOBS! OMG! AS IN OMG! April and I just stood there looking at each other. Then I made a gesture that we should just go inside the bedroom. The fuck.

In the bedroom, we were really pissed off na and scared for ourselves. Pero we still managed to joke around, in hushed voices. We talked about killing the man and hiding his body somewhere that no one would ever notice. We thought no one actually knows he was inside the house, so if ever we went on with the plan, no one would ever know, we wouldn’t be blamed for his future “disappearance.” HAHAHA. But of course, we were just joking! We could never do such a thing, EVER. After a few minutes, we heard the maniac screaming, enjoying his alone time with the water. Thefuck. He even shouted “Ang sarap sarap!” WHAT THE HELL. That was the moment that I snapped. Like, for godsake, I should be sleeping by now! I guess it was past midnight already. So, I told Kat to call the landlady na. At first, wla talagang sumasagot. Malamang kasi nga hating gabi na. Tapos finally, nakausap nga namin, we asked her to come down the house.

Tas pagdating, wow, buong pamilya po kayo? Hehe. Yung landlady andun, yung asawa nia, yung kapatid, at yung mga magulang nia! Haha. Ang liit kaya ng bahay namin para sa inyo :b Hehe. So all in all, anim silang magkakapamilya sa bahay namin that madaling araw.

We explained what happened and then they tried dragging him out of the house. The eldest, which is the father of the landlady fixed the faucet instead. And he did it so quickly that we found out later on that that maniac was just stalling so that he could be with us for some time. Adik lang. And super creepy. Kinabahan tlga kami, to the point nga of killing him. Haha. Kidding.

Sooo funny nuh? After that incident, mas naging mabait yung landlady samin, ayaw kaming mawala. Haha. Eh kasi kami na nga lang nagtitiis sa bahay nila, ganon pa ngyare diba. Hahaha. We moved out naman before the sem ends kasi nga nagaway kami ni Kat. Hehe. Pero okay na lahat ngayon, cool! :D

And about that man, Idk if he’s still alive today. Haha. I guess he’s an alcoholic and a former (?) drug addict so baka may sakit pa lang sha nagyon. Whew. So mean! Pero ayun. Whatever :D This experience will always be funny for Kat, April, and I. We shared the story to almost all our friends the following day and we all laughed about it. Hard.

Saturday, 25 September 2010

Definitely, Yes

I wanna marry you because you’re the first person I wanna look at when I wake up in the morning, and the only one I wanna kiss goodnight. Because the first time that I saw these hands, I couldn’t imagine not being able to hold them. But mainly, when you love someone as much as I love you, getting married is the only thing left to do. So, will you, um, marry me?

-Definitely, Maybe ♥ I love this movie :D

Sunday, 19 September 2010

F/L

Do I want to be feared or loved? That's a good question. I want both. I want people to be afraid of how much they love me!

— Michael Scott

The Fudge. Okay, well said. So now, I'm afraid of how much I love you. Really.

Who, me?

Okay. So, uhm. Here it goes. Oh, wait. I dunno if I should be posting this here. I don’t know. But where else? I don’t know. My mind’s fucking me crazy. Fuck. I don’t know.

****

I’m glad I took this Color Test right on time. The result pretty much sums up everything that’s bothering me. Which I learned, is just myself. Darn it. Okay so, Here is the effin result:

Your Existing Situation

You’re lazy when it comes to improving yourself or your career and lacks the ambition to change things. You do not like to put too much effort into things, except sexual activity. (WHAT!) You would rather feel comfort and security, than success.

Your Stress Sources

Your current situation or relationship is not up to par, but cannot improve it without help. You hide your vulnerability by holding back affection or being overly expressive. The relationship may be depressing, but the fear of losing too much keeps you around. You want to be independent and free, but fear the future will be just as disappointing. Your situation leaves you sensitive and impatience, seeking a quick escape. Your restlessness may destroy the ability to concentrate.

Your Restrained Characteristics

Your confidence is low but you are unable to admit that is the reason for your avoidance of conflict. You feel that it is a situation out of your control and you are making the best of it.

Your arrogance causes you to take offense quickly. Only those closest to you know that deep down you are sensitive and sentimental.

You feel trapped in a helpless situation and you are desperately seeking relief. You are able to find pleasure and happiness in sexual activity, as long as there is not a lot of conflict or emotional difficulty.

Emotionally withdrawn, you feel forced to make compromises that makes emotional attachments difficult.

Your Desired Objective

You have a strong desire to contribute and influence others, but it can make you restless. You are driven by your desires and hopes. You enjoy a wide range of activities, but you may spread yourself to thin taking on too much.

Your Actual Problem

Feeling held back and restricted from moving forward, looking for a solution that will give you more freedom and less obstacles.

Your Actual Problem #2

Feeling anxious and restless frustration toward current situation or unfulfilled emotional requirements are causing stress. You feel misunderstood, used, and anxious. You strive to search for new relationships or environment, in the hope they may offer you happiness and peace of mind.

****

So there. Please try to understand me na lang. I know it’s hard since I don’t really understand myself sometimes. But please, do try.

Tuesday, 14 September 2010

Song of the Day: The Way I Am




The Way I Am by Ingrid Michaelson

If you were falling, then I would catch you.
You need a light, I'd find a match.

Cause I love the way you say good morning.
And you take me the way I am.

If you are chilly, here take my sweater.
Your head is aching, I'll make it better.

Cause I love the way you call me baby.
And you take me the way I am.

I'd buy you Rogaine when you start losing all your hair.
Sew on patches to all you tear.

Cause I love you more than I could ever promise.
And you take me the way I am.
You take me the way I am.
You take me the way I am.

Monday, 13 September 2010

I don't know why. But I feel like everything's just fine when I'm talking to you. And then after a few moments when we stop talking, after the "hangover" from the talk, reality comes crashing in. I know I shouldn't be worried... not yet. But.

Sunday, 12 September 2010

This was my BLOG SITE last year? Eh basta before ako magtransfer dito sa Blogspot. Hehe. You might want to read some entries kasi they're really awesome :D HAHA. ♥

Saturday, 11 September 2010

HindiAkoMakaisipNgTitleKayaWagNaLangOK

Because I know I won’t be able to start working on the FMA unless I’ve cleared my mind of stupid thoughts that are driving me fukken insane. Stupid Thoughts.

****

Today I learned to go to SM Fairview all by myself. Haha, poser. Ok, not all by myself. I asked for some help/directions/guide or something. Whatever. I met there my ex-housemate, which was not really a housemate. Nakituloy lang ng isang buwan? Bumisita ng isang buwan kaya tinuring na naming housemate? O feeling housemate namin? Hehe. (Peace tayo, Ate April Ü) So. We decided to meet after five to six months na? I can barely remember. Basta after a really long time. Tas nung nagkta na kami, parang magkasama lang kami khapon. Haha. Of course we exchanged some I-miss-you’s and hugs, but after nun, ayun. Parang magkasama nga lang kami kahapon :) Ain’t that cool? Oh well, fcourse I’m cool. We made some catching up and then told each other some interesting experiences and happenings. I told her my dilemma. Which isn’t really a dilemma. Loljk. Idk. So after sharing, I felt like crying. Because I’m so stupid. And I don’t really feel well. And I don’t really know what to feel. What to say. Or what to do. Because I’m stupid. And all that’s getting out of my mind is crap. Dammit. I can’t say she cleared my mind about what I should do about this problem kasi until now hindi ko parin alam gagawin eh. O pati yung mararamdaman ko. Parang tanga lang. And whatever happened to me today made every dumb-ass thing about this stupid thing official. It ain’t even a thing. Crap. Labo nuh. Para hindi mo maintindihan. Hehe. So ayun. At least may nasabihan ako. Parang gago lng. Gosh, puro cuss words na tong entry na to. Fail. Hindi ko na talaga alam gagawin. Badtrip. Nagkita nga kami ulit nung dati kong “housemate” (hehe), puro kaEmohan lng naman lumabas sa bibig ko. Tama na nga.

But I’m really happy to see you again, Ate April :D I told you we should do this every weekend. Haha. Mwah! And hopefully, wala na kong problema sa…

****

Remember that moment when I told you I wouldn’t say anything? I badly wanted to say yes. I just haven’t evaluated the consequences of telling the truth at that moment, that’s why I just said I couldn’t tell you anything yet. Haha. Gosh. But now, thinking it over, I wish I just told you the truth. ‘Cause it’s piercing every part of me now. Idk if telling you would lessen this insanity, but at least you knew. Right? But I don’t think you can help me, though. Idk. I just need to talk to you again. Soon. So that I could be freed from this burden? And. Well, I need an advice :D Idk. Ask me again? Haha. Sonuvagun.

****

I feel so sad today, okay?

...

Friday, 10 September 2010

Kristen-ness = Awesomeness



Exactly how I want it. I like her especially when she looks like she dgaf.



But she looks so gorgeous here. ♥ I love her.

Thursday, 9 September 2010

What.

Hello, Trouble! How are you? Come on in. You’re welcome Ü Like I can do anything to keep you away. Gadammit. I’m screwed! To the bones, man. Screwed to the bones.

“And then he gives me a smile that seems so genuinely sweet with just the right touch of shyness that unexpected warmth rushes through me.”

I don’t know what else to say, I’m so speechless.
Because I’m tired, okay. Not because I have something else in my effin’ mind.

Tuesday, 7 September 2010

Morning Madness

If you talk to me the moment I wake up in the morning without me talking to you first, then you don’t know me, man. You’re screwed. I don’t like talking to anybody as soon as I wake up. I would just look blankly at you if you did so. Worse, tatarayan pa kita. And you wouldn’t be able to talk to me for the rest of the day. Yeah. In flesh ha. Pag sa text medyo okey lang, k. You are not able to see my face, anyway. After waking up, I usually just stare up in space and wonder why I’m once again in my waking life. Can’t I just stay in my dreams forever? Seriously. That’s why I don’t like saying ‘good morning’ (face to face) to anybody at all. Like, what is good in the morning when I should still be sleeping? Not that I don’t like my life. Actually I hate it soooo much. No, erase that. I’d like to keep a positive attitude, okay. So let’s just pretend I like it. Whatever. Laboooo.

So. The reason I'm not fond of getting up early in the morning is that I lack sleep. Forever. I could never get enough sleep. Everrr. Whenever you catch me, right after I woke up, with a super bad mood, that means I had slept for three to four hours only. And I hate the feeling. Who doesn’t? You can’t blame me for hating it since I’m a girl who badly loves dreaming and doing nothing but lying on the bed. Or cuddling, if I have a partner. Okay? Wahehe. God. I miss having someone hugging me when I’m about to sleep. So sad. And nostalgic. Anyway.

I remember one time when a friend pointed out my unbelievable morning attitude to another friend. I was so touched! Haha. I was so moved that he knows me enough to say how monstrous my attitude is every morning. I was in Baguio then and we usually had overnights together so we wake up in each other’s faces. And they know better than to look at me. Or to talk to me. They know I would approach them when I’m ready to talk to people na, so they just leave me alone for a while. They’d have a taste of my bitchface if they don’t comply. Exagg. If they did the wrong thing, which is to talk to me, I just shrug them off with a mischievous smile. And then they’d keep quiet. No offense was made. Everything was understood. I’d usually make it up to them later Ü

So. I already shook off this morning madness once. It just came back. When? That’s a secret I would never tell. Kidding. Ü Well. It was when I was in love. Haha. Which feels like a long time ago. Well, it was really a long time ago. Almost a year na. And I’m feeling great. Seriously. Not as great as I was then. But great, nonetheless. Just saying.

I think. I am not capable of brushing off this morning madness. At least not for now. So. If you happen to see me in this state, sorry. But you just have to bear it. *wink.wink*

Incubus - Love Hurts

Hi Brandon Boyd! You're so UNF! ♥



Love hurts
But sometimes it's a good hurt
And it feels like I'm alive
Love sings when it transcends the bad things
Have a heart and try me
'Cause without love I won't survive

Sunday, 5 September 2010

Don’t litter!

I know this topic is actually for Grade 1 students, but I just really need anything to write about. As in. Haha. I am dying to write about anything. As in anything. I dunno what’s happening to me but I can’t really think of anything nice to write. And I badly need to type something. I’m not sure why but all I know is that I love updating this blog. So. Before I start, I am really bothered that I am running out of topics to dwell on. I mean, I used to be busy whining, ranting, and/or philosophizing on paper. Now, it seems like I can’t feel anything. I liked writing down what I feel but now, there is nothing to write about. I feel so empty. Empty to the point of eating every food I see just to feel full. Darn it. I even looked up this topic on Write Source. I mean, how pathetic is that? (Well, not much. Haha.) Ok. So this is the moment where I should talk about the topic I’ve chosen. Hehe.

****

So. Don’t litter. I like my things organized. I want my room clean and I love to make everything in order. My life is kinda screwed and my head’s really messed up so I try to make some things around me better. I try to systemize material things around me since the things inside my mind are harder to touch, if not impossible.

At home, whenever I see some trash displaying itself somewhere it shouldn’t be, I immediately call the suspect. Meaning, the person responsible for putting it there. I ask them to throw it away in the trash bin. Harshly. I swear. I yell at them and scold them and get mad at them for not throwing that piece of shit properly so that they won’t do it again. Unfortunately, they never get tired of the things that come out of my mouth. They do that thing repeatedly. I am so pissed off whenever that happens. Really. I hate dirt. I’m allergic to it. I swear.

Well, how about the issue of littering outdoors? When I’m with a person and s/he throws something, say, a butt of cigarette or a candy wrapper, on the road or sidewalk, I just pick it up myself if I can’t ask her/him to pick it up. Why can’t I ask? Not because I know I would yell at them, alright. I just don’t want them to think that I am that OC. Because I’m not. I just want my environment clean. Haha.

I remember this incident with my mom. She threw something out of her pocket, I can’t remember if it was a piece of paper or a candy wrap, and then I got mad. Not mad mad. Just a bit mad. I was irritated. A little. Like. HELLO, MOM! HOW COULD YOU?! Haha. And she just laughed it off. I was so pissed off. Really. And then what did I do? I picked it up, of course! I am not used to throwing things anywhere. It ruins my view of my surroundings. The world is so fucked up, why do we people still have to mess it up, literally?! WHY? What I do when I have to throw out something and there are no trash cans around, I just put it in my pocket or in my bag for the meantime and just throw it out later when there’s a trashcan already or when I got home. Of course I’m sure there’s a trashcan at home. See? Practicing this won’t hurt. You might try it if you’re not doing it yet.

I believe we could make this world a better place if we could just dispose our garbage properly. If we can’t do that little thing, we have no right to dream about larger things like world peace. I think we should start changing ourselves little by little. Step by step. This statement is so overrated, but it’s true. If we yearn for some change, there is no other way but to change ourselves first.

“We have to be the change we want to see in the world.” Something like that. So please, DON’T LITTER!

Saturday, 4 September 2010

Love Letter To Self

So. I promised a few people I would update this page now. Damnit. I hate making promises. Kidding Ü So. I really don’t know what to write about. I don’t have anything. Anything. Anything. Ok. Just anything.

Before I went to sleep at around five thirty this afternoon, I remembered a.. uhm.. a friend back in high school. Oh. Wait. I dunno if she is a friend. But I think she was. Oh, well. Life. I remembered her telling me and another classmate that she got some love letters from a secret admirer. WHAT. She’s not really blessed in the looks and personality department so I think I could say that there was no way she would be able to get some letters especially from a secret admirer. Take my word on that. So. After showing us three or four letters from her so-called secret admirer, we found out (I forgot how we did) that she was just making everything up. The letters were from herself. She made herself a love letter. Cool. Woooow. I can’t understand how a person can do that. I mean. Send yourself love letters and then tell your “friends” it was from someone else. Why? To get some attention? To emphasize how likeable you are? (She wasn’t the least bit admirable, okay.) I dunno. I wasn’t able to understand her then. And I don’t think I even care now.

That was when I came up with a plan. Haha. I’m not sure why I did what I did. All I know was that it was fun doing it, fooling her. So mean >.< What I did was this. I made an elaborate love letter one night. I wish you could imagine how sweet and romantic I am so that you could envisage how great that love letter was. HAHAHA. Written there was something every girl would want to hear from an admirer. Really. The next day, during one of our breaks, I put the love letter inside her bag. I was so wary when I was doing that. Someone might see me and think that I was stealing something, you know. I didn’t want anybody to get the wrong idea although I know that what I was doing was entirely wrong. But, whatever. So when we met the following day, she showed us the letter that I made! Hahaha. Imagine how proud I was when she showed it. I mean, I made that! Hehe.

Anyway. I just wanted her to stop making stories, stop making issues about herself, and stop pretending she had an admirer. I just wanted her to stop fooling herself. I was just sort of getting her out of that make-believe situation she made for herself. I wanted her to stop fooling herself, so I fooled her instead. Wow. There’s some logic in that, btw Ü At least she was able to stop pretending that someone liked her, and believe that someone really does because she had something that she didn’t make for herself. Gets? Only it was a joke as well. Hell. She doesn’t know that truth anyway. She never will. (Unless she read this page) Ü Hehe.

****

Shy? No, I’m not. Not really. It’s just that in certain situations, I really dunno what to say so I just stay quiet and eventually get lost inside my own head. It doesn’t mean I’m bored and that I’d rather be somewhere else. I just think that I don’t really need to say something sometimes. And it doesn’t mean I’m not interested. I just don’t know what to say. It’s just me. It’s just my face. Haha. Sometimes I am comfortable just being with other people, especially those who are close to my heart that I don’t think I really have to say anything at all. At least not at all times, right? Their company is enough to make me feel happy and contented. So if ever you’re with me and I am not talking, it wouldn’t necessarily mean I don’t like you. I just don’t like talking much. Sometimes.

Wednesday, 1 September 2010

After Dark by Haruki Murakami (An Excerpt)

"You know what I think?" she says. "That people's memories are maybe the fuel they burn to stay alive. Whether those memories have any actual importance or not, it doesn't matter as far as the maintenance of life is concerned. They're all just fuel. Advertising fillers in the newspaper, philosophy books, dirty pictures in a magazine, a bundle of ten-thousand-yen bills: when you feed 'em to the fire, they're all just paper. The fire isn't thinking ‘Oh, this is Kant,’ or ‘Oh, this is the Yomiuri evening edition,’ or ‘Nice tits,’ while it burns. To the fire, they're nothing but scraps of paper. It's the exact same thing. Important memories, not-so-important memories, totally useless memories: there's no distinction—they're all just fuel.

Monday, 30 August 2010

Blazer


Current favorite Kristen Stewart outfit Ü I know she's handsome, yeaah. ♥

Wednesday, 25 August 2010

Twilighting

According to the movie I watched last week, “twilighting” is when you think of your past, someone who was special, life in general, or all of the above. The way I understood it, it kinda means contemplating or reflecting about yourself and the life you’re living. Haha. Yeah… Something like that.

I don’t really intend to think about someone who was special. It’s just that lately, whenever I was walking with someone, I miss those times when we walk side by side and you were holding my nape. That used to tickle me, but I was comfortable when you were doing it. I felt so secure. So carefree. So special.

So, anyway. I don’t wanna miss you more so I would stop talking about our past, like, now. It’s nonsense. Ok.

****

My photos reveal something of me… Like duh. Of course it should. But wait. What I mean is that they reveal something beyond the physical aspects of me. (Yeah, I’m trying to be deep here.) So. I dunno what exactly but it has something to do with what’s inside me. Something that I didn’t know was there when the photos were being taken. Now that I was able to see the photos in front of me, I instantly knew what was wrong.

And I won’t tell anyone.

****

Kanina when I was at a photo shop at SC to make paPrint of something for the dorm manager of IC, the one working there kind of made my eyebrow twitch. He was eating some bread so he asked me to wait a minute. Good thing the other staff offered to print it instead. Idk. It’s nothing, really. I am somewhat used to waiting for other people to do something for me nman eh. Kaya lang, hello kuya customer po kasi ako. Having a kind face doesn’t mean I wouldn’t be pissed off. I was really tired and all I wanted to do was lie down. If I weren’t tired, I would just shake it off, and then the whole situation wouldn’t even be mentioned here. It’s just that I reminded myself to put it here. So. There. If I were a total bitch, I would have had answered that kuya and pulled off a bitch face. I dunno. I was so restless. I was so fucked up. Whatever.

****

I really wanna talk about something else. Something more important than anything that’s already written here. Kaya lang it’s not yet safe to talk about it. And I really don’t know if that time will come. I am so.

Sick. And tired.

****

So yesterday, or was it early this morning? Whatev. Ava asked me why I don’t put here the daily happenings of my life. Uhm. I told her I am uninspired. And there was really nothing exciting about my everyday life that I can put here. Haha. Just saying.

****

I’m so sad. I dunno what to do with my life.

Friday, 20 August 2010

Suzie’s Side




You woke up one morning and suddenly hated everything. The moment you opened your eyes, you instantly wished you were dead. You dragged yourself from the bed and then looked at yourself in the mirror. You just stood there and stared at your eyes. Dead. Empty. Hollow. Blank. You didn’t dare to smile the way you used to. You just walked away; walked away from the truth that you don’t wanna see. Ever. The truth that you can’t bear to acknowledge.

The phone rang but you just didn’t care enough to pick it up. The one who was calling couldn’t be that important anyway. You sat at your favourite chair overlooking the window. The sun was about to set, but for you, the day was just starting. But were you about to start it… or end it?

You were so alone and no one cared. You were so sad but nobody noticed. The few moments that you were happy, no one was there. You had fun all by yourself. You wondered how you could be so alone in a crowded place or in an over-populated city. Things felt surreal. Everything seemed like a dream. You had to wake up. And to be able to do that, you had to kill yourself in this dream.


(I dunno how to end this.)

* The photo is from the movie The Virgin Suicides.*

I Said "I don't know" Ten Times

You never know a good thing ‘til it’s gone. Or when you’re starting to lose it. Trust me. I know what I’m talking about. I dunno exactly how many times I let something good slip out of my hands. And it’s not like I don’t really want it. I’m just thinking that whatever good thing that lurks in my life, almost always, it takes something in return. And I can’t really give anything yet. Or I think I can’t. Idk. At least not for the time being.

Of course I appreciate everything I have. Or the things I think I have. Appreciate. I restrict myself on holding onto them too long because of the fact that everything is temporary. And I’m just scared of losing something that I had so close to my heart. That’s why before I get really stuck on something, like an object, a situation, or even a person, I kind of make myself withdraw little by little. Idk. I just don’t like giving false hopes. Especially because I often get misunderstood due to the mixed signals I give unintentionally. I am not sure of what I want yet. I can’t explain myself properly because even I don’t understand what I’m feeling. Idk what I want. Not yet. Not now that I’m screwed. Screwed out of my wits. And I’m not used to people fixing anything for me. Idk. It seems like I don’t wanna get out of my comfort zone again. Not yet. I’m fine with how things are going. Boring. But reassuring. Idk. I don’t like it. But I don’t think I am ready to take some risk again. And I can’t make things wait. Because that would be selfish.

I could be selfish sometimes, though. Sometimes, I feel like I want all the attention to myself. And then I’ll start to realize that it’s wrong. Then I feel sad. Because I want everything but I could never have them all. I know. It’s depressing. It’s just that I don’t really know what I really really want yet, that’s why I seem to want everything at the same time. Which is really sad. And mean. Idk. It’s like I don’t really know what would make me happy that’s why I try everything that promise me happiness. Something like that. Idk. Shdjshfeiuhdfjsnciuewndsucmrvnseidnwixc.

****

I love writing down my thoughts on paper because when I do so I know I would never be interrupted. I could say everything I want without being stopped. I don’t care if people don’t actually read what I write. What’s important for me is that I get to let it out of my mind, my soul, and my system. That’s when I know I could achieve some sense of peace with myself. I think.

Thursday, 19 August 2010

Missed

I imagine the feelings of two people meeting again after many years. In the past they spent some time together, and therefore they think they are linked by the same experience, the same recollections. The same recollections? That’s where the misunderstanding starts: they don’t have the same recollections; each of them retains two or three small scenes from the past, but each has his own; their recollections are not similar; they don’t intersect; and even in terms of quantity they are not comparable: one person remembers the other more than he is remembered; first because memory capacity varies among individuals, but also (this is more painful to admit) because they don’t hold the same importance for each other.
–IGNORANCE, Milan Kundera

Paramore: Ignorance is your new bestfriend.

****

It feels like forever since I last wrote anything and then posted it on this page. Idk. Everything just feels so distant now. I miss my friends. I miss doing the things I love. And most importantly, I miss who I used to be. I hate the fact that life goes on but I feel like I’m left here, doing nothing but crap. Or something else. Something not important. At least not important to other people. Whatever.

I miss the mountains. I miss climbing mountains. I miss hiking with my friends, exHousemates, orgMates, and schlmates. Hehe. I’m not sure what I especially like about mountain climbing. It’s very tiring. It makes you all sweaty. It makes you thirsty. It can numb your leg. But it makes you feel so in touch with nature. It offers some sort of detachment that feels so natural. It makes you feel closer to who you really are and where you always belong. It offers you an escape from the busy, noisy, and fucked up life in the city.

****

I super struggled with this article. Di ko tuloy natapos! I dunno if it’s just me, or wala na talagang alam utak ko. No. Wait. It’s not that. Erase that. May laman utak ko, for sure. But I don’t know what I really feel aside from missing the people I love and missing all the fun. I can’t function well, I can’t think properly and now I’m back to the phase of not wanting to do anything but sleep. I’m that lazy, I’m that restless, I am that fucked up. My life is so screwed up; I dunno how to untangle all the things that are intertwined. The things that make my head full of shit are shitty. Idk. Wtf. I know I don’t make sense and I don’t think I have to. Feel free to leave.

****

Nung nakita ko yung Freshie Night ’10 pictures, I felt so jealous. Idk. Jealous of everybody? Kasi they were together. I told myself that I should be there, too. With them. In the pictures. It was so sad. I felt like crying. God. I miss them so much. I miss the laughs. Tambay moments. Alcohol, anyone? Jk. I miss the life I used to have. If I had any. Haha. Fcuk. I wanna break free. Again. From everything. That hurts. Wuhoo!

Tuesday, 17 August 2010

Moments Between Sleep (Acoustic) VersaEmerge

I am so in love with Sierra's voice, I wanna marry it.

We don’t read and write poetry because it’s cute. We read and write poetry because we are members of the human race. And the human race is full of passion. And medicine, law, business, engineering, these are noble pursuits and necessary to sustain life. But poetry, beauty, romance, love, these are what we stay alive for.
– Dead Poets Society.

Monday, 16 August 2010

Turn It Off



Turn It Off. Acoustic. Paramore ♥

I scraped my knees while I was praying
And found a demon in my safest haven
Seems like it's getting harder to believe in anything
Than just to get lost in all my selfish thoughts

I wanna know what it'd be like
To find perfection in my pride
To see nothing in the light
But turn it off, in all my spite
In all my spite, I'll turn it off

And the worst part is
Before it gets any better
We're headed for a cliff
And in the free fall
I will realize I'm better off
When I hit the bottom

The tragedy, it seems unending
I'm watching everyone I looked up to break and bending
We're taking shortcuts and false solutions
Just to come out the hero

Well, I can see behind the curtain
The wheels are cranking, turning
It's all wrong, the way we're working
Towards a goal that's non-existent
It's not existent, but we just keep believing

I wanna know what it'd be like
To find perfection in my pride
To see nothing in the light
I'll turn it off, in all my spite
In all my spite, I'll turn it off
Just turn it off
Again, again, again..

Saturday, 14 August 2010

Rant

Boredom. I am so bored with this life, I can’t do anything about it. I don’t wanna admit this, but it seems like I need someone to spice it up for me. Wtf. I’m always sleepy. Always tired. Always wish I were somewhere else. I think I need to try something new. Or at least change something in my life now. Wtf. Uhm. My hair? I'm thinking about getting a haircut. Or dyeing it again, maybe? Basta I know I need to change at least something in my body. What about my weight? Maybe I should just not eat for a week or something? I want a firm ass. Would running/jogging three times a week help? Argh.

Anythng. Please lang. Just anything. Help me change something in me. Everything kind of felt usual and ordinary nowadays. Idk. I just can’t find meaning in everything I do. Lately. Idk. Whatever. Or hindi ko lang napapansin. Fek. Maybe I’m just stuck up in this phase that I don’t really notice the changes that are in fact going on around me. Why do things feel ordinary? MyGod. Why?! Why do I feel so plain and ordinary?

And why doesn’t anybody understand me?

Idk. Not. You cannot imagine the intensity of the crap I do not give. Or something. Idk. Maybe. I really just dgaf.
"Two things that a recurring heartbreak does to you, among many: you die incessantly, and you lose all eloquence. You die, always already still and ever." (Ramoya, 2007) :D

Do It Yourself… Or Not.

(I am not sure why I chose the title. Just read the article then try to figure it out by yourself. Whew. Anyway, this is for one of my course, Social Science 1. I tried my best to make it formal and comprehensive, it's just that due to the limited time I have to work on this, it might be crappy. And it's all my fault. So.)

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I’ve been in this community for as long as I can remember. In other words, I’ve been here since the day I was born. So, I think I have the right to say what I need should be improved when it comes to the welfare of this community. Opinions, suggestions, and other views for the progress of this district are always appreciated, anyway.

First off, there’s a reason why we have what we call a “neighbourhood.” Our houses aren’t located near each other just because there’s no other place to put them in. We live in one community because we have to help each other to be able to develop. We need each other to be able to survive. And we won’t be able to live normally unless we acknowledge the fact that we are a part of one group and that that group is essential for our survival. Because of the fact that we are now in the modern era, what we Filipinos call “bayanihan” seems to lose its meaning. I think the first step to be able to do something that would spur the growth of our community is to get to know each other first.

When my family and I moved here, from a place that is actually within the campus as well, of course I didn’t know anyone yet. The feeling of belongingness was a hard process. The new neighbourhood was so quiet. It was very peaceful. And it’s as if nobody knew anyone else. It’s as if no one else existed aside from his or her family and everything that is inside their house. My new place seemed boring. I felt like I didn’t belong there. Most importantly, I felt like the original residents didn’t like me to be there. Or they just don’t care.

That is actually the reason why I think it is important that people within a single community get to know each other. It is the primary step to be able to plan something more intimate for the betterment of a specific region. A simple welcome party or something for the new residents would do. Practices like sharing food from house to house would be nice. To be able to receive warmth, of course it should be given first.

After we work on tightening our ties with our other kababayans, planning on actions for development would be easier. I believe that it is easier to work with the people you know since you would be able to know their background and some of their preferences.

Now, what I like most in this community is the fact that the inhabitants know where to throw their wastes. They make it a point to make sure that there are no trashes anywhere near the vicinity. If ever they see one, the initiative to put it away is there. They want their places clean because they know that it mirrors them in a way. The residents know how to maintain their places and this simple act suggest that they want others to do the same. So even if we do not actually generate a plan to make the roads clean, each unit makes it known by setting an example. That’s why when it comes to environmental concerns, I don’t think my community has a problem with that. Now keep in mind that I am just talking about the area where I actually reside, not necessarily the whole UP community.

So anyway, I mentioned earlier how the people in my place seemed detach but is still mutually united in keeping the whole community clean. Compared to my previous neighbourhood, this by the way is also located within the UP Campus, this second place does not have the Flores De Mayo. I dunno why that practice is the first thing that came to my mind when the word “cultural” was brought up. Maybe it’s because aside from the connection it has with our history, I really love seeing beautiful maidens parading in front of me in their beautiful dresses. I never got the chance to be a “reyna” in the Flores De Mayo. Actually, I never got the chance to be in a FDM even if the role is only to hold an arch. I would have liked that! Haha. So. Every time I hear that some village near ours would be having one, I always wished that the adults in my community would gather and act on it. I want one too! By the way, I was in my first few years of high school when we set off for a new area. That’s when I realized that not all villages or areas in the UP Campus have events such as the FDM. I actually thought there was only one group of them and that they actually go around the whole campus to show off their beauty. Well then, I thought wrong. It was too late for me to realize that as long as I live where I do, I would never be able to see an FDM ever.

So. I want to change that for the younger generation. I fear that they would not be able to see girls dressed like queens or be like queens themselves even for a night only. This tradition used to be valued a lot. I believe it is a part of our history already. Right? Because it involves Spain and Christianity. And these two concepts has a huge impact on us Filipinos. It’s sad that little by little, it’s as if it is being erased in some of the communities here in the Philippines. Sad, because it is really beautiful, though.

Events such as that, whether cultural or historical, not only showcases the talent of the people but also binds them. It makes the bond of the people tighter every time a program like that is executed.

The only event that is being held in my community every year is a New Year’s party, which is also a year ender party. It happened every year and the fund that is being used is actually from the people of the community. The week before the actual program takes place, some residents responsible for the event go to each of the house to ask for a contribution. The people has the option whether they wanna give money, candies, or other valuable things that could serve as a prize for the games that would be played.

I can’t actually say much about the changes that should be done in my community that would make me feel satisfied. I like it the way that it is. I know the people here would be at an arm’s length if ever the time comes that I would badly need them. We might not talk everyday about the stuffs that are going on around the country or around the world but we know mutually that if ever one needs something from the other, all s/he has to do is ask. We are neighbours, anyway. We should rely on each other in times of need.

Whom else should we yearn for in times of trouble aside from the people that are closer to us? ##