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Wednesday, 28 July 2010

Say You Don't Want It by One Night Only



I am currently listening to this song over and over and over again. Like it's the only song that exists. And I love George Craig since yesterday. Hehe. ♥

Tuesday, 27 July 2010

Not. Making. Sense. Again.

I just couldn’t bring myself to talk to you first. Whoever you are. Hehe. No. I’m referring to the people I like or care about but I just couldn’t really show the likeness like crazy yet. I don’t want them to think that I care so much for them. Not yet. Especially if they’re not returning the favour. And would never return the favour.

I like the people who like me. That’s a fact. But I don’t mean to say that one should like me first before I like them, alright. That’s different.

Every time I go online, of course I see some people who are online too. Of course, silly. And then I will see someone on the list whom I think is interesting. I would have wanted to talk to them but I just couldn’t, thinking they’d think I like them. Crazy like shit. I know. I just don’t want the person to assume something that may lead to something more serious. Or delicate. Whatever. Because on my part, I don’t really know what I want. So. Let’s just leave things in whatever way they are.

Like, if ever that person is sure that s/he wants me, or something, they’d make some move right? So I wouldn’t have to do anything else since I’m not sure and s/he’s the one who’s sure. Whatever. Hehe.

Not. Making. Sense. Again.

Pero the moment I notice na offline na yung person, I feel sad. I feel like I was left hanging. For no reason at all. Yung feeling kasi na parang pareho kayong nasa ere/online, kahit di naman talaga kayo naguusap, medyo reassuring din. Ewan ko lang ano inaassure. Haha. Pag tuloy hindi na OL yung taong yun, parang gusto ko narin mawala. Hehe. Parang tanga lang. Kainis.

Thursday, 22 July 2010

Jesse Guy (TBC)

It was late in December. He just had his dinner alone at a restaurant beside the hotel where he was staying, and decided to take a late night walk at the park. He was looking down at his feet, feeling secure with his thoughts, when suddenly he heard someone call his name. He stopped to turn his head around but noticed no familiar face against the crowd of busy strangers so he kept on walking. This time, he made up his mind to focus on the stars up above. “Jesse!” It was his name again. He stopped but did not move his head in any direction. He just stood there, waiting for something to happen. After two long minutes, somebody tapped him on the shoulder, making him turn sideways.

He looked surprised when he realized who was standing beside him. A long silence occurred, making the situation awkward. She was wondering now if he couldn’t remember her. Or something. She was all-smiles while he just stood there staring at her, breathing the moment, that face, and the girl’s whole presence in front of him. She was so sure it was Jesse. There was nothing left to do, so she decided to break the silence with a laugh then instinctively gave the guy a hug.

“It is you!” He doesn’t know exactly where to start, so he just blurted out those words.
“Of course, it is me. I didn’t know you were here. Aren’t you supposed to be in Manila or somewhere else not here?” She said, questioningly.
“Well, don’t you wanna see me? You called me across the street. I... Uh... I was on my way to the park.”
Laughs. “You see it’s already late and I am actually waiting for someone. I was hoping you could wait with me if... well, if you’re not busy... that is.” She said this, looking down at her feet.

*******

I dunno why I keep on posting stuffs that are not yet done. I just can't seem to finish them. Badtrip. Ayun lang naman alam ko, magumpisa. Heehee. :D:D Hay nako. Kaya bahala na. Dugtungan niyo na lang. Hehe. Tatpusin ko pag sinipag. Or when inspiration comes knocking on my door again :P Bleh.

Wednesday, 21 July 2010

Hi. Wala lng. Because I need someone to talk to. Whoever. Need. Or something. Ewan. I’m fecked up. Right now. So. I miss you. I think. Or talking to you. At least. And do I have to be the one to strike up a conversation first? Don’t you miss me and everything I did to color your life? Spice up your life would sound better but there would be many implications. Wait. What. Hehe. Whatever.

Aaargh. I can’t concentrate. I need to hear anything from you. Yknow. Catching up won’t be a bad idea. I just can’t talk to you first. Please makaramdam ka naman and talk to me. Like the old days. Hehe. Without malisya or anything. We’re friends naman diba. Tae. Kahit simpleng Hi lang. Eh kasi. Ewan. Aargh. Ewan. Because you were a part of me. Ang pangit naman kung dedmahan na lang. Hehe. Anak ng. Pero wala na talaga. K? :D I just miss talking. To yow. Hehe. And nope, wala ng issue sa ating dalawa :D Feelingero much? Hehe.

Monday, 19 July 2010

HD To The End of The W

I am currently listening to two of my most favourite songs of all time, namely The End of the World by Skeeter Davis and Hopelessly Devoted to You by Olivia Newton John. As in, these two songs are playing on repeat and I kind of don’t wanna hear anything else at the moment.

I am not actually in love or heartbroken or anything. I just love the songs. Really. And I really like listening to them like I am the one singing. Hence, I sing along. At the top my lungs. Yeaaah. The songs are, and the way these two artists sing is, so heartfelt that I am being swept away into some place where I can feel the things I am not currently feeling. Something like that. Haha. Like being in love again. Or having my heart broken once more. Like it’s the end of the world but I am still hopelessly devoted to someone, not caring if it’s not reciprocated or whatever. I love the way songs make me feel. They make me feel. As in FEEL. Whew.

I already know these songs when I was a kid and totally liked it. Since I was not yet familiar with the full lyrics, I just hum along on the parts that I don’t know or invent my own words. Like crazy. Para lang makasabay sa kanta :b

The song The End of the World is part of the soundtrack of the movie Girl, Interrupted and I also love the film. Amazing. I rather saw myself in either of the two protagonists in the film played by Winona Ryder and Angelina Jolie. Anyway. Last week, while I was in Baguio City, my friends and I were walking along Session Road when we passed by an old man who has impaired eyes who was playing some sort of an instrument. He’s doing this as a source of income. Yes, he’s blind yet he can still play an instrument. Beats me. Guess what he was playing?
Well. It’s The End of the World by Skeeter Davis! San ka pa. Upon hearing the song (or should I say tune because no one was actually singing?), April and I started singing along with it. In the middle of the fucking road, we were at bliss. We were ecstatic. I was happy. We were singing and laughing and dancing while the old man was playing his instrument. In the middle of the road. And we were not even drunk yet. (We’re on the way to a bar pa lang. Hehe.) The scene made me love the song more. I was really, really happy.

I love it when simple (even stupid, crazy) things make me want to stop the world and die at the moment. Because of happiness. And overwhelming emotions. I love situations like that that I wanna get married to it! Amazing.

And most importantly...
I love my friends. And music. And drinking. And acting stupid. And happiness. Bliss. Craziness. Wasting time. Bitching out. Dreaming. And life as a whole. REALLY.

Smoke And Mirrors (2)

This entry won’t be complete without mentioning my gorgeous girlfriend Xang (...my gorgeous girlfriend Mary Elesiah... would sound better but Xang or Shang is what we call her. So.) During my one-week stay in Baguio, there was never a day that we weren’t together. Of course, we were not together 24/7 but there was never a day in between July10 to 17 that I didn’t see her. She’s one of the people who made my stay there worthwhile. Hehe. So, thank you Shang for being a very promising host and for being one of my sweet girlfriends. ♥ We rocked BC, really! :D:D You know why. Haha.

*******

While I was in BC, something was revealed to me. I didn’t know then how I would react. Good thing I know how to keep calm and pretend like I don’t feel anything. Or something like that. When I learned about that something, I wasn’t a bit surprised. I kind of expected that thing would happen anytime. So. I dunno. Maybe that’s it. Haha.

******

I wrote in SAndM part1 how some of my friends now mirror a few things that happened to me in the past. It includes love life of course. Knowing I don’t have the right to tell her story here, I won’t elaborate na lang. Basta it’s about preparing yourself to a long distance relationship. Which sucks. When she was telling me her story and everything she feels about the upcoming “tragedy,” what I felt when I was also in that situation came back to be. Just like that. Faster than a snap of your fingers. I didn’t know how I should feel about it. I’m not hurting anymore. I totally accepted everything, and now I’m fine. Free. The memories just came back since what she’s experiencing now has a lot in common with what I experienced when I was in that situation. Crazy. I cannot tell her to stop the craziness. Because I know it’s fun and empowering (in a way. Haha.) What was left for me to do is to share my story, too. That’s the reason why it all came back.

I wondered if I was clearly over him already or what. Or I just remembered. Something was refreshed. Or something. Something.

Sunday, 18 July 2010

Chapter4: Despair

It wasn't the loving each other or the knowing they could never be together.
It wasn't the wind in the eaves of the empty house,
or the bone-dry rattle of the pills in the brown-glass bottle.
It wasn't the bitter taste, with only a stale box of red wine to wash it away.

It wasn't waking, with her dead and you all too alive.

It wasn't the way your fingers shook. It was a stammer, and the thickness of your tongue as you tried to speak. It was the sound of the sirens, coming closer.
It was knowing that you would never get another chance.

-Chapter4: Despair, The Sandman (Endless Nights) by Neil Gaiman

Saturday, 17 July 2010

Okey na?

Tagalog. Makapaglabas lang ng dinaramdam. Shet lang. Dapat nung Miyerkules pa ko bumaba ng Baguio kaya lang bumabagyo. As in. Hindi lang excuse yun nuh. Ayun, hindi isang daang porsyentong excuse yun. Pero may bagyo talaga. At xaka ayoko pa bumaba. Hindi ako sigurado kung bakit. Hindi sa ayoko sa Maynila at sa sarili kong tirahan sa Diliman. Nakakatamad lang magayos ng gamit at pumuntang Victory Liner at isipin na uupo ka dun ng halos pitong oras. Nakakapagod lang talaga bumyahe. Kung pwede lang maging diyos at ilipat yung bahay namin dito sa Baguio, ginawa ko na. Tae kasi eh. Grabe lang. Gusto ko sa Baguio kasi nandun yung mga kaibigan ko na alam kong hindi ako iiwan. Nga ba? Hehe. Alam ko pag kailangan ko sila talagang tatawagin mo lang ng ilang beses andyan na. Yung darating sa tabi mo kahit late. Ganun. Nakakainis lang na hindi yun maintindihan ng ibang taong nkapaligid saken. Hindi nila maintindihang kelangan ko ng karamay sa ilang aspeto ng magulo kong buhay. Hindi naman kasi nila maibigay kasi hindi nila ko naiintindihan. Ayaw nila ko bigyan ng pagkakataon na ipaintindi skanila kasi magsasalita pa lang ako, sermon na. Grabe lang. Pero minsan inaamin ko naman na pagkukulang ko rin kasi yung pagsasalita ko nauunahan ng emosyon. Maiiyak na lang ako agad. Mararamdaman na naninikip na yung dibdib ko tas yung lalamunan ko may something. Haha. Naiinis ako. Hindi sa ayoko sa bahay namin at ayokong bumaba. Tae. Shempre gusto ko. Mahal ko rin naman kayo eh. Duh. Mahal ko kayong lahat. Emo bigla. Kaya lang kasi kelangan ko lang talaga ng break dahil mapapraning ako na kayo lang kasama sa araw-araw na lang na hinihinga ko. Di ako maggrow. Eh yun pa naman isa sa mga importante para sken. Gusto ko kayong kasama. Ayun nga lang. Gusto ko lahat kayo kasama ng sabay sabay. Eh hindi nman pwede lalo pa’t pitong oras layo ng M at B. Tae.Nakikita niyo ba yung dilemma ko? Grabe lang. Malamang hindi. Kasi hindi kayo kasing babaw tulad ko. Alam niyo yun. Taena. Hindi ko nasabi lahat ng gusto kong sabihin dito. Sa susunod na lang siguro. Wala pa kong tulog. At gusto ko rin ng klima sa Baguio. Hello.

Smoke And Mirrors

Smoke And Mirrors. By Neil Gaiman. Well, that is the book I am currently reading. Thanks to AM who gave it to me, uhm, halfheartedly? Hehe. I kinda forced him to. Indirectly. Or something. Because there was someone whom you can call a middle man, you see. I was just about to borrow it, but anyway. He got a special mention here at least.

Smoke And Mirrors. I figured that would be a nice title for this entry considering the fact that my life consists of some smoke that blurs my vision and all the ways I view the things that make up my life right now. It blocks and distorts how I perceive things, making me hold on to wrong decisions and act stupid.

And mirrors. Because when we were watching The Sorcerer’s Apprentice yesterday, I realized that mirrors play a huge role in magic. Hehe. Despite the fact, I’m just kidding. So aside from that, it is actually because during my one week escapade in Baguio, I seriously observed some friends that mirror some, if not most, experiences I had in the past. Similar experiences that are being reminded to me once again... All the hurt I felt, tears I cried, all the laughter, and some sorts of sorrow. They are now reflected through other people’s eyes. A friend. A stranger. Whoever. The feelings that were already forgotten started seeping out. Been there, done that. Ouch. Nakarelate ba.

(To Be Continued)

Thursday, 8 July 2010

About Me and the Dead Kitty

Despite the fact that I have three existing blogs, I am still not used to writing about myself. About Myself = About Me, okay? I dunno how to introduce myself to other people. It’s kind of hard for me to share my likes, dislikes, interests, etc. Well, I don’t think it’s hard. Maybe it’s just because I haven’t even tried. And that I am not that interested..? I’m thinking, why do I still need to fill up that about me corner when everything that is written here is already about me? Anyway, I might as well just try it someday.

If ever you’re reading this and notice that the About Me section of this page, is not as empty as it was, then I have succeeded. You might want to check my other pages as well and try to see if I’ve managed to fill them up too. If it’s still empty or only has a line or two, then I am still struggling. Hehe. And thanks for reading this, btw. ♥

*******

No one is as lucky as us. –Paramore (Where the Lines Overlap)

Even though I disregard the fact that I am living a good life and often complain about how stupid, screwed up, and fucked up my life is, I know deep inside my heart how lucky I am compared to most of the inhabitants here in our country. It’s not like I am the luckiest person alive, but I am still one of the lucky ones. And I often take that for granted. Which sucks.

*******

Earlier, while I was walking towards the office, in which I play the role of a student assistant, I saw a dead cat on the street. Based on logic, it was run over by some vehicle that’s why its intestines and other fcuken organs were all over the place. It was so disgusting and heart wrenching that I suddenly hated the world at that moment. I though about looking for a dust pan or something to remove the dead kitty on the middle of the street but there was no way I would be able to find one unless I go back home. I hated everything about people and thought about my cat. What if that was my cat lying there? Maybe I’ll sit beside it and cry for it until somebody yells at me to get out of the way. It was ultimately stupid how some stupid individual could hit such a sweet little animal. I mean, it’s just a kitten for christsake. And don’t tell me that person didn’t saw it crossing the street. Was s/he blind? Well, s/he should just lose his/her eyes. Gademit. It ruined my day. Really.

Wednesday, 7 July 2010

Jeepney

When we were still living at my grandmother’s house somewhere in UPD, there was this girl who used to be my playmate until she lost her temper at me and scratched my face. Hard. Insecure? Haha. Good thing it didn’t leave a lasting scar.

The only reason she visited my memory is that there has been three incidents wherein I rode a jeepney that their family owns. It’s not much of a big deal, really. And it’s not like I have a grudge over her since I wasn’t able to get revenge or something. I don’t really care if I am on their jeep. What bothers, intrigues, or disturbs me is that beside her father, whose driving, is her mom. Those three times that I had been in their jeep, her parents were there, barely talking to each other. I know it is not my business and it should never concern me but I can’t keep on wondering if they were like that every single day. Like, why would the mother always tag along when she’s not doing anything in the jeep anyway? I mean, doesn’t she have more important things to do than just sit there and look ridiculously sad? Well, it makes me sad that she looks sad. And I keep wondering why she has that look.

I dunno. I’m just curious.

Saturday, 3 July 2010

Easier Analization

Analization.

The nation is once again open for new hopes and dreams that its citizens could ever think of. Wait… New? Were the old dreams and hopes fulfilled? Or are we once again dreaming and hoping for what we always yearn for since God knows when?

Oh. Well, Politics is not really my forte and I should never talk of Politics ever again. At least not now. Maybe sometime in the future. When I am already a politician. Kidding! But who knows, right? Hehe. It’s not that I don’t care about the present political situation of the Philippines. It’s just that I don’t know much about it and I am not really that interested yet. Maybe someday… Yeah, someday. Just someday.

So the reason why I made some “small talk” about our nation once and for all is that it rhymes with “analization,” a word which does not exist in my (and probably yours too) vocabulary until today at lunchtime. See, there’s no such word. The correct term that I was meaning to say was “analysis.” Right. Analysis. Underline that.

Around 12:15pm today (July 02), I was about to have lunch with Gretchen and Gely in the canteen in the Vinzons Hall in UPD. Gely was busy burrying her nose in front of a laptop while Gretch and I were waiting for her to finish so that we can already satisfy our churning stomachs. She was asking for some help with some sentence construction in which I blurted out, “…to make the analization easier…” And then I realized I was in an “oh, no” moment. Wait. Stop there. Does such a word even exists? Analization? Ah-nuh-lee-zey-shun? Whoah. I don’t think so. Silly us. It should be analysis. Dang. And we call ourselves UP students? Haha!

End of story. Well, I kind of find it funny that even if we regard ourselves to be fluent in English (yes, I sort of regard myself that way), to be wide-ranged readers that has a rich vocabulary, we could always commit mistakes when it comes to word structures or something. We could never say that we’re good at something unless we come face to face with some errors along the process and then correct it. We won’t be able to say we are masters of something unless we’ve also experienced the hardships that go with it.

Friday, 2 July 2010

Yearning And Learning

What I’ve learned from leaving and being left behind is that eventually, you’ll get used to being alone to the point that you’ll stop complaining. It’s not always that you have someone to talk to everyday. And by talk, I mean sharing your problems or any insights you’ve had during the whole day. You cannot always have someone beside you telling you you’ll be alright or all’s well that ends well. You can’t just demand someone to hug you when you’ve had a rough day. People should be able to feel the needs of each one and at least try something good to do about it. Utmost effort is not even required. A single smile can brighten up someone’s life even if it’s for a moment only. It can lift one’s mood or at best, change a person’s whole perspective.

I cannot entirely comprehend how we can or should get used to being alone. Why should we even try? Is it because it hurts when everybody starts to leave? Can’t we just cherish the moment while they were there? We just don’t deserve being alone. Even the most notorious criminal of all time in this whole universe shouldn’t suffer all his burden and verdict alone. He can still use some loving that another person aside from himself could and should provide. If we are meant to be singled out or outcasted, why are there other people? We might as well live in our own little worlds if we don’t need anybody. Literally. As in you’ll have your own planet and I’ll have mine. But will that be satisfying? Will you be happier or something?

What I’ve learned from leaving and being left behind is that the painful way of detaching will always haunt you. What will always stay in our minds is that you just can’t be with the people you love most of the time, or more than the circumstances allow. You’ll be forced to accept that everything just changes and that you can’t do anything to interfere or alter their course. Even if you try avoiding it, you can’t escape for so long, and you will never win because eventually, you have to give in, go with the flow and totally embrace everything that is in front of you. Deal with it with all your flesh and blood. That is the only thing that’s left for you to do. Everything is in flux so you might as well move that big fat ass of yours too. You can’t just watch the world turn around and flash before your eyes. You have to be in sync with it to be able to survive. I won’t and can’t always be with the people who forever changed my life because that is just how it is and I cannot really do any damage about that fact. It will stay that way, forever. I don’t own them and they also have a life to live.

It is crazy how your whole world functions for a certain person while you are just a dust compared to their other big dreams. It’s even crazier how you can say you cannot live without them while they are already living their lives without you in the company of other people and new faces. So what you should be doing is to try to coexist with other people as well. They might be insignificant at the moment, but who knows what kind of impact they’ll make in your life. The people whom you used to be with will always stay in your heart and in your memory. Seeing them in the future under various conditions will be a bonus. Really. Then you will be able to relive happy times with them. They don’t really go away and you do not exactly leave them. They will stay with you. Always.

Make Believe

There are some things or situations that happen in the movies that we think only happen in the movies. We’d even wish true love could be attained by bumping into a mystery guy down the street. We hope that rags to riches stories can happen to almost everyone. The world would be a richer place when that happens. Richer in the sense that we’d never know of poverty anymore. We’d be millionaires, carelessly travelling around the world. Movies proclaim some things that look so positive but would eventually leave you harmfully hopeless.

Earlier this evening, while I was cleaning the dining table, I felt a certain kind of drama that always takes place in the movies. Wait, I was not melancholic because I had to clean the table or anything. It’s just that there was really nothing to clean. And I was not sad about it either. The thing here is that no one ate at the table. There has been a cold war going on around the house. And everybody is affected. I feel kinda depress just thinking about it. Hell. The plates were just sitting there, with the spoons and forks on top, and the glasses were waiting beside the already sweating pitcher, but no one cared. Everybody was busy doing something else. Doing something else to avoid something. It’s amazing how we can distract ourselves from something we don’t want to acknowledge. It’s amazing how we can close our eyes and cover our ears whenever we don’t want to accept a certain phenomenon. We know it is right there, breathing us in, but we always held back and not let ourselves be carried away. The force is strong, but the resistance becomes stronger.

Now, don’t get me wrong. We did eat. Each one of us. We took our own plates from the dish rack and ate in our own rooms, the living room, or anywhere else but not on the dining table. I dunno why exactly. As for me, I ate while watching TV. I dunno where my other family members were, and I respected their privacy, solitude, or whatever you wanna call it. I decided not to eat on the table because it’s really sad eating there alone. Right?

After an hour or so, when I thought that the others were already sleeping or something, I cleared the table. I put the unused plates and utensils right where they belong, and that was when this particular scene hit me. As I mentioned earlier, it was melancholic. It’s like what happens in the movies where the protagonist (usually a heroine), cleans up a table after waiting for her significant other for dinner but unfortunately, he was out spending some pleasurable moments with some stripper. Or. Someone clears the table because no one ate because none of them has gotten over a loss or some freakin disaster. That was how it felt. Dang.

So. My head hurts already. I should really be sleeping right now.

Thursday, 1 July 2010

Bee Gun

I hate you. Not. Well, erase that. There are just some aspects of YOU that I don’t like. And I really hate that fact. It’s like I am being shallow or something because I can’t accept who you are. Although I’ve tried, really really hard, I just can’t swallow every inch of your whatever personality, and it is really wracking the nerve out of me. Like whatever. I know I am not supposed to feel this way towards you, especially because we are not supposed to feel this way towards each other but really, I am done. Ikaw na! Ikaw na maganda. Ikaw na magaling! Ikaw na sosyal. Ikaw na sikat! Fine, ikaw na lahat! Argh. I don’t intend to pour out all my bitterness or insecurities here alright, it’s just that I am so not over your pagkaFeelingera and it’s really purging the shit out of me. I don’t care if I am not making sense here anymore. Alright. Whatever. And don’t give me that face. Ever. That immature looking face that knows nothing but nothing. Darn it. And I think I am being immature here. But damn. You will always be immature in your entire life. So. Don’t. Ever. Talk to make about that childishness. I don’t wanna here any of it. Ever. I did my best to try to understand you. I just cannot. I thought I did, but I was wrong. I will never understand someone whose wavelength is not even close to mine. I am not imposing hierarchy, superiority or fuckenity, but really, you are not my equal. Well, we are equal, but we are just not in the same class. It’s like we’re in the same house but not in the same room. It’s kinda like that. Like, we have the same parents but you’re the black sheep. Or I am the black sheep. Whatever. Shoot. I can’t believe I am saying these things. Things that people should never hear from me. Damnit. See how much you’ve affected me? To think na we don’t even spend that much time with each other. Right. And I would never ever spend time, in the deepest sense of the word, with you again. Kahit inuman session – Oh wait. Of course that’s impossible. You will most of the time be where I am. Darn. Why did I ever get in touch with you? You’re not my kind of person. I hate this. I hate hating you. But I hate. Whatever. I don’t hate you. I hate who you’ve become. And I know you are more than that. Can you please do me a favour and remove this hate from me by not hating yourself?