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Friday, 20 August 2010

I Said "I don't know" Ten Times

You never know a good thing ‘til it’s gone. Or when you’re starting to lose it. Trust me. I know what I’m talking about. I dunno exactly how many times I let something good slip out of my hands. And it’s not like I don’t really want it. I’m just thinking that whatever good thing that lurks in my life, almost always, it takes something in return. And I can’t really give anything yet. Or I think I can’t. Idk. At least not for the time being.

Of course I appreciate everything I have. Or the things I think I have. Appreciate. I restrict myself on holding onto them too long because of the fact that everything is temporary. And I’m just scared of losing something that I had so close to my heart. That’s why before I get really stuck on something, like an object, a situation, or even a person, I kind of make myself withdraw little by little. Idk. I just don’t like giving false hopes. Especially because I often get misunderstood due to the mixed signals I give unintentionally. I am not sure of what I want yet. I can’t explain myself properly because even I don’t understand what I’m feeling. Idk what I want. Not yet. Not now that I’m screwed. Screwed out of my wits. And I’m not used to people fixing anything for me. Idk. It seems like I don’t wanna get out of my comfort zone again. Not yet. I’m fine with how things are going. Boring. But reassuring. Idk. I don’t like it. But I don’t think I am ready to take some risk again. And I can’t make things wait. Because that would be selfish.

I could be selfish sometimes, though. Sometimes, I feel like I want all the attention to myself. And then I’ll start to realize that it’s wrong. Then I feel sad. Because I want everything but I could never have them all. I know. It’s depressing. It’s just that I don’t really know what I really really want yet, that’s why I seem to want everything at the same time. Which is really sad. And mean. Idk. It’s like I don’t really know what would make me happy that’s why I try everything that promise me happiness. Something like that. Idk. Shdjshfeiuhdfjsnciuewndsucmrvnseidnwixc.

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I love writing down my thoughts on paper because when I do so I know I would never be interrupted. I could say everything I want without being stopped. I don’t care if people don’t actually read what I write. What’s important for me is that I get to let it out of my mind, my soul, and my system. That’s when I know I could achieve some sense of peace with myself. I think.

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