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Thursday, 30 December 2010

My Life Has Changed A Lot This Year (2010)

MY LIFE HAS CHANGED A LOT THIS YEAR. I can’t grasp the immensity of these words, grabe. I can’t believe that in a span of twelve months, I have undergone a lot of life-changing experiences. As in. I might complain that everything around me seems boring, but looking back, I can see that I have succeeded in making it somewhat interesting, after all. I lost a lot of things this year, and some people, too, but the things I’ve gained and new personalities I've encountered still make me a winner in some aspects. Heehee.

So, to emphasize how much my life has changed in 2010, I’m gonna list down the most memorable events that took place in my life in each month. Good luck reading! :D


JANUARY

16 (Saturday): Life Speaking Volumes @ the CAP Building

It was soooo fun. Need I say more? Hehe. Shucks ang hirap na kasi mag name drop and everything. Haha. I’ll just keep in my memory the things that happened. Haha. Basta I know I didn’t get drunk. I was actually on the entrance, nagbabantay lang most of the time. Guess why. Kasi may crush ako dun? Uhhm.. Maybe. Chos. Ang gagwapo kasi ng mga Molay eh. Naks! :D Pasalamat kayo sis niyo ko ;) Pinakanaaalala ko lang yung moment when this lower-year-guy na crush ko eh dumating with other Anak UP people. I told sis Ivon na tatayo ako sa likod ni Rain tas picturean nia kami. Haha. Eh ang pahalata ko ata and I was giggling like stupid. So sabi nlng ni Ivon, “Picture daw kayo.” And Voila! May picture nga kaming dalawa. Yay! :D Ayun. It was really a helluva night. It was very fun and I was really happy. :D

That’s why I super miss my Baguio brods and sisses. They really know how to have fun :( Not just in events like this. Pero kahit simpleng hangout lang, super ang saya saya nila kasama. Huhu.


24 (Sunday): DD ng batch nina Nico. Ito yung may pimple akong malaki sa ilong eh. Anak ng. Haha. Hmn. May meet sa lodge yung Jobies pero umalis din agad (nagChurch kami, oha) tas bumalik na lang kami nina Iya para manuod saglit nung program. Hindi namin pinanuod yung buong cheneloo kasi bawal. And then fellowship na kina Kenneth. Witwiw. Ang ganda ko lang :D:D Chos!


FEBRUARY

06 (Saturday): I’m not sure kung ito yung akyat ni April na sinurprise nia ko eh. Basta one time kasi umakyat sha ng Baguio na hindi namin alam. Sabi nia kasi days before, hindi na nga sha matutuloy. Tas katext ko pa sha nun eh, morning. And then may biglang kumatok sa door tas sha na pala. Ang eksena lang ni April, grabe. May surprise pang nalalaman. Haha. I’m not really sure kung ito yung pagSurprise nia sa amin. Basta the whole week na she was there, ang saya saya ko lang. Ayoko mang aminin ng bongga, she really knows how to make me laugh. She makes fun of me a lot din kasi. And ang sarap magtampo kunwari. Lalo na pagfeel nia nang nagtatampo na nga ko, she’ll do everything to make me feel okay again. WEH. Hahaha. She stayed for a week tas sabay kami bumaba ng Manila, Feb12 :D In time for the VDay na as usual, I celebrated inside the house with me, myself, and I. Heehee.


20 (Saturday): Traffic Jam (A Sigma Beta event)

Dito ko nakilala si Pierre, na naging crush ko for some time. Hehe. And other brods from different places. Like most org events sa UPB, this is parteey party where one would wear Green if single, Red, if you’re in a relationship, and Yellow for it’s complicated. Hehe. I was wearing a black long-sleeved top inside a Green shirt. Mukha kong punk na ewan. Hahaha. Hindi naman ako dapat pupunta kaso yung brods at sisses andun so go lang. And! I was single and ready to mingle that time, so mas lalong go na tayo jan. Haha. Hindi kami okey ni Kat neto eh. Hahaha. I remember I saw her there. And ayun. Awkward. Date ata sha ni Jamil nun kaya nung may “after party” yung Jodera, she was there din. And since hindi naman ako nagsama sa kanya dun, at di nga kami okay, parang wala talaga akong paki skanya. Pero sabay parin ata kami umuwi. Hehe.

Another memorable thing that happened in this event was that nakapagusap kami ni Marvin after a loooong time and after what happened between us. I was about to get a drink and then he was standing beside the bar so parang ang automatic na na dapat talaga magusap kami. Gaddamit. Like how most awkward conversations start, nagkamustahan lang kami about his work, my studies (that he took part in damaging, loljk), and other “pang-hindi-close-na-usap.” I told him na magkagalit na naman kami ni Kat, blah blah blah. Hindi na sha nagulat dun shempre kasi I used to tell him about our rifts ni Kat eh. Hehe. We never talked about what happened to us. Like, everrrr. Until now. And I don’t think it still matters. So, whatever. Nakausap ko rin si kuya Jay and he was asking me kung si Greg daw ba yung bago ko. Haha. Well, hindi. Muntik lang. Chos! :D:D


23 (Tuesday): It’s my birthday! Weeee! ♥

Nagkaayos kami ni Kat dahil bday ko nga. Haha. at sinurprise nia ako. Sa Sunshine Park. Wahehe. Eto yung araw na naging close kami ni Xang! Si Jemo kasi, kahit di naman kami super close ay napasama because of Roan, Jan, ate April, at shempre, Kat. Kasi nga UPB Mountaineer silang lahat, ako lang di napasama magmountaineer dahil hirap akong gumising tuwing umaga. Pffft. So ayun, dahil magbrod si Jemo at Xang, at dahil crush pa namin sha ni ate April nung time na yun, sabi ko itext nia si Xang at isama kasi magpapainom nga ako. Haha. Tas nung nasa Kanem na kami, biglang dumating grupo ni Magne. At crush ko si Christian nun. Sayang wla ng free na table so di sila natuloy uminom doon. Tas katext ni Kat si Magne, so after a while Kat asked me kung pwede raw ba makisama si Magne. I said it was okay. Brod ko naman. Kung okey lang ba sa kanila.. Parang ang off kasi nandun din si Jemo. Eh hello, pinopormahan nio po ba pareho si Kat? Hehe. Awkward! And super naawa ako kay Jemo nun. Nakakatawa lang, si Xang at Magne andun tas di namin inisip na magiging couple sila after some time. Hahaha. So ayun. Birthday ko eh. Kaya sobrang masaya ko :D Hello, dapat lang. Yung buong week neto, grabe ubos pera ko kakapainom. Grabe!

Eto rin ata yung araw na natulog si Xang sa bahay at magkatabi kami at hindi ako makatulog dahil ang lakas niya lang humilik. Haha. At sobrang sikip ng kama. Tatlo ba naman kami nun nina ate April. Ako sa gitna :D


28 (Sunday): Panagbenga. Float Parade. Open Climb na nakakairita :D

Open Climb. Pinakahihintay ko. Medyo.. Kasi I really like mountain climbing! And I super miss it na! Huhu. Dahil maraming tao sa Session Road kasi nga float parade, and we were kinda sawa na kakapanuod at ayaw namin makipagsiksikan sa dami ng tao, we decided na mamundok na lang. Medyo nairita na ko, umpisa pa lang ng araw kasi ang daming pinapabili ng mga tao bago kami magkita kita. Nauna na kasi ako sa SM with ate April. Hinihintay na lang namin yung ibang housemate tas aalis na kami. Badtrip, ang dami pa palang kulang like batteries, drinking water, etc. Nautusan pa kami bumili. Eh hello ang daming tao. Hello rin, mahabang pila. Tas nung wala pa kaming makita, parang kasalanan pa namin. Eh wala nga. Kaasar talaga. Hindi na nga dapat ako sasama kaya lang niLure ako ni Roan. Wahehe. Kung hindi lang talaga dahil skanya, di na ako sasama nun eh. Kaso I promised kasi. Kaya sumama na ko, kahit sobrang wala na ako sa mood.

So, nung buong climb ang sungit ko na ewan. ‘Cause I’m bitchessa like that. Hehe. Feeling ko ang sama ko nun. Pero wala na kong magagwa. Haha. ayoko naman sila awayin lahat. Kaya ang tahimik ko na lang. Kasi alam kong wala talagang magandang lalabas sa bibig ko that time. Hehe. Pero nagEnjoy ako sa Tuna Pasta! Ever! Favorite naming magkakabahay ;) Uhm.. So. Dun ko lang narealize na when I’m feeling super bad, people won’t be able to do anything talaga to please me. And that I really can be super mean. Grabe! Natakot ako sa sarili ko nung time na ito talaga. Hahaha. Pero in fairness, through me, nalaman nila yung mistakes nila and narealize nila na ang amateur nila ever. Chos. sobrang kulang kasi sa experience. And sinabi ko naman na compared dun sa 1st Open Climb na napuntahan ko, this 2nd time was really crappy. Peace! It turned out to be just like a barkada trip lang. Nagkagalit galit, nagkagulo pa. Grabe. I know kasi na they could do better sana. Kaso ayun nga napabayaan. Anyway… It’s still experience ;) I’m gonna treasure it just the same.



MARCH

01-07 (Monday-Sunday): Session in Bloom

What I remember most about 2010’s Session in Bloom was that most of my wanderings there, I was all by myself.

21 (Sunday): Lipat Bahay with Jamil, Nico, Jerick

23 (Tuesday): Volante with Veena

25-28 (Friday-Monday) Party til you drop, literal


APRIL

06-09 (Tuesday-Friday): Akyat ng Baguio para a sikasuhin sana yung enrolment for Summer class

21 (Wednesday): Akayat ulit ng Baguio. 1am nakarating dun, nanggulo pa ko. Oha.

23-25 (Friday-Sunday): North Face Marathon

25 (Sunday): Installation ng Molay. Naks, Chapter Sweetheart!

26 (Monday): Born To be Wild!


MAY

21 (Friday): Birthday Celeb ni Jesse @ Club Filipino, first time ko mag MRT! Whooo!

22 (Saturday): Orientation sa UPOU


JULY

09 (Friday): Akyat ng Baguio

10 (Saturday): Concert ni Sarah G. Wahehe.

11 (Sunday): Installation ng Jobies, shot sa 7/11 lang ‘cause I was feeling really sick at busy din mga tao

13 (Monday): Shot kina Shang, PO at umuwi ng wasak si Veena magisa

14 (Tuesday): Nawalan ng cellphone sa GA

16-17 (Friday-Saturday): Inuman to the max hanggang madaling araw nina Shang tas sabay na kami bumaba ng Manila


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Will stop there :D Wait na lang for the second part. I guess hanggang July na lang kasi medyo updated naman na yung mga sumunod na months dito sa page ko. Hehe. Halatang tamad eh nuh. Ahaaay. Anyway, the second part would be the conclusion of this whole year. OhYeah.

Monday, 20 December 2010

Fed Ex. Fed Up. Feed Me.

Bakit feeling ko ang liit liit na ng mundo ko. I feel the need to broaden my horizon once again. I feel so confined and restricted in everything I do. It’s crazy. I need to learn how to start breathing again. I guess. I'm so tiiiiiiiiiiiiiiired.

"You have trust issues."

Some things are hard to write about. After something happens to you, you go to write it down, and either you over dramatize it or under play it, exaggerate the wrong parts or ignore the important ones. At any rate, you never write it quite the way you want to.

-- Sylvia Plath

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Something’s going on inside me lately. And I don’t really know what it is. I don’t even know if I wanna entertain the idea that something weird is happening inside. I have no concept of what it’s about. I don’t feel like naming it, never. The only thing I’m sure of is that I don’t like it, whatever it is.

I don’t want to talk about it sana eh. Kaya lang I feel the need to let it out. Because I am concluding that, it’ll eventually eat me up. I feel like crying, it hurts. Why? I’m not sure if I wanna talk about it here. I don’t want to. Not now, not ever. Ayun nga lang, para naman na kong in denial nian. I say one thing, even if I am actually feeling the opposite of what I say. Makes sense? Does not... Not to me, either. I’m not even sure why I’m working on this blog post right now.

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I hate expecting. I hate being hopeful. I hate the statement ‘I’m looking forward to it.’ I hate fickle-mindedness. I hate making impulsive decisions. I hate planning. I hate plans. I hate routine. I hate myself right now. I hate. I bluntly hate. And I hate the fact that I’m not sure why.

Almost a year ago, someone said about me that I have trust issues. That time, I didn’t know what that means. I didn’t see myself that way. I didn’t know I have any problems when it comes to trusting people. I actually believe that I am too trusting. Like, I give everybody a chance, always. Really. I didn’t know why in the world he said that. Pero the moment I heard it, napaisip ako. Is it true? Do I really have trust issues? It’s just hard to forget. Since then, hindi na nawala sa isip ko. I still think about the essence of that statement until now.

Hmn.. So, bakit kaya? Is it because I am used to saying Weh, Talaga, Seryoso, and Hindi Nga? I guess nasabi nia yun because of that. Ayun lang siguro. Pero kasi naman. Since narinig ko na ngang nanggaling sa ibang tao, feeling ko tuloy, oo nga. I have trust issues.

Why? How come? What? I dunno… I trust the people I love, that’s for sure. Always. Pero minsan kasi, they still INEVITABLY or UNTINTENTIONALY let you down. It doesn’t actually hurt me when that happens, pero it makes me sad. Minsan hindi pa nila alam na they had let you down na. It’s sad. Kasi. I feel like it’s my fault. It’s my fault for expecting. And, at some point, kahit konting konti lang, kasalanan ko for believing in what they say? Am not making sense now, am I? Of course I’m supposed to believe in what they say because I love them. Super! I just don’t really like expecting. And it’s my fault I expect… I look forward to things… I anticipate events… I… I don’t know what else to say. I don’t think I am voicing out my feelings properly tonight... :( Grabe.

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Pano ba… Teka para kasing ang inappropriate ng post na to. Ang gulo, ang labo, nonsense, incoherent, mysterious, secretive, whatever… Nalihis na sa talagang topic. Anyway. I don’t know what I feel :| Ang weird ng feeling. Sobra. And I can’t and don’t wanna try to analyze it here today. Wag muna...? Deym.

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Most of the times, I don’t make plans. I know I have to make things happen if it’s really up to me lang. Kapag may involvement na ng ibang tao, I need a Go signal. Pero unless mangyayare na or we’re doing it na in a minute, dun pa lang ako super maniniwala na it will happen na nga. I’m vague. Sobra. And honestly, I am leaving something out. It just feels like now’s not yet the right time to make sense out of the true issue… Or whatever this thing inside me is. This thing that is bothering me and making me sad. Sucks.

Wednesday, 1 December 2010

I Am Tired Like This (But Still Awesome)

There are times when you just feel so heavy that the urge to lean or to lie down on anything is so strong, you can’t resist it. Most times, you’re just really tired, you feel so restless. But sometimes, your being restless is intensified by the fact that you have so many burdens on your back, you can’t take it anymore. Burden in the form of responsibilities, problems, commitments, expectations, etc. You feel so tired, all you want to do is give up. But you can’t. Because… well, you just can’t. Just because.

I hate this feeling sooo much. And I feel this more often than I should. Demmit. When I’m outdoors and this feeling strikes me, I kinda wish a car would just hit me right then and there. Seriously. ‘Cause I can’t just drag myself in the middle of the street and come across all the cars facing me, right? That would be like suicide. And. I. Am. Not. Suicidal. Anymore. Was I ever? Hahaha.

So anyway. Today is really fucked up. I hate the world today. Really. And I hated myself, too. When I was walking on the way to IC this afternoon, I wanted to just turn around, go home, and lie on my bed to sleep. I want to forget everything for the meantime. I was so tired, I nearly cried. Damn. I wanted to sleep and I wished that everything would instantly brighten up when I wake up. Today is one of those days that I wished I’d just be hit by a car. Whatever. Because I’m masokista like that. Haaay. I wanted to be saved. But. I dunno… It was impossible at the moment. Or whatever. I just kept on looking up at the sky, praying it wouldn’t rain. I felt so heavy, I didn’t think I would be able bear any addition to my tediousness, even if it would just be a single drop of rain. I swear I would’ve cried if that happened. If the sky rained down on me on one of my weakest state... Crying in the rain, oh yeah. Haha. Di ko pa nagagwa yun, to be honest :b

And it’s _____ that I know that only one person could’ve brighten up this day.

Uhm. Wait. I put a blank there ‘cause I can’t decide what word would best describe it eh. It could be awesome, weird, cool, strange, wonderful, pathetic, stupid, crazy, beautiful, or something. Whatever. You decide.

So… It’s blank that I know only one person could’ve brighten up this day. And I was waiting eagerly for that to happen. But it didn’t. And I am not blaming anybody anyway… So, no worries. And it’s nobody’s fault. I swear. I just know he could. But it was really impossible kanina. Because of the situation? Our emotions at that time? Because of what’s happening? Whatever it was… Really. When I was walking along SC (yeah, I did a whole LOT of walking today), I was kinda hoping he’d send me a message and all the blues would go away. I thought na if we were just in a good mood, I wouldn’t mind na magpabalik balik from IC and Kalayaan dorm kasi we were okay. Ayun. Kaya lang we’re kinda not. And I felt bad. My kapaguran was intensified. It was really exasperating. I wanted to uhm… die? Kidding. I just wanted to sleep :( and sleep and sleep. Until everything’s okay na ulit.