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Wednesday, 1 December 2010

I Am Tired Like This (But Still Awesome)

There are times when you just feel so heavy that the urge to lean or to lie down on anything is so strong, you can’t resist it. Most times, you’re just really tired, you feel so restless. But sometimes, your being restless is intensified by the fact that you have so many burdens on your back, you can’t take it anymore. Burden in the form of responsibilities, problems, commitments, expectations, etc. You feel so tired, all you want to do is give up. But you can’t. Because… well, you just can’t. Just because.

I hate this feeling sooo much. And I feel this more often than I should. Demmit. When I’m outdoors and this feeling strikes me, I kinda wish a car would just hit me right then and there. Seriously. ‘Cause I can’t just drag myself in the middle of the street and come across all the cars facing me, right? That would be like suicide. And. I. Am. Not. Suicidal. Anymore. Was I ever? Hahaha.

So anyway. Today is really fucked up. I hate the world today. Really. And I hated myself, too. When I was walking on the way to IC this afternoon, I wanted to just turn around, go home, and lie on my bed to sleep. I want to forget everything for the meantime. I was so tired, I nearly cried. Damn. I wanted to sleep and I wished that everything would instantly brighten up when I wake up. Today is one of those days that I wished I’d just be hit by a car. Whatever. Because I’m masokista like that. Haaay. I wanted to be saved. But. I dunno… It was impossible at the moment. Or whatever. I just kept on looking up at the sky, praying it wouldn’t rain. I felt so heavy, I didn’t think I would be able bear any addition to my tediousness, even if it would just be a single drop of rain. I swear I would’ve cried if that happened. If the sky rained down on me on one of my weakest state... Crying in the rain, oh yeah. Haha. Di ko pa nagagwa yun, to be honest :b

And it’s _____ that I know that only one person could’ve brighten up this day.

Uhm. Wait. I put a blank there ‘cause I can’t decide what word would best describe it eh. It could be awesome, weird, cool, strange, wonderful, pathetic, stupid, crazy, beautiful, or something. Whatever. You decide.

So… It’s blank that I know only one person could’ve brighten up this day. And I was waiting eagerly for that to happen. But it didn’t. And I am not blaming anybody anyway… So, no worries. And it’s nobody’s fault. I swear. I just know he could. But it was really impossible kanina. Because of the situation? Our emotions at that time? Because of what’s happening? Whatever it was… Really. When I was walking along SC (yeah, I did a whole LOT of walking today), I was kinda hoping he’d send me a message and all the blues would go away. I thought na if we were just in a good mood, I wouldn’t mind na magpabalik balik from IC and Kalayaan dorm kasi we were okay. Ayun. Kaya lang we’re kinda not. And I felt bad. My kapaguran was intensified. It was really exasperating. I wanted to uhm… die? Kidding. I just wanted to sleep :( and sleep and sleep. Until everything’s okay na ulit.

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