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Monday, 20 December 2010

"You have trust issues."

Some things are hard to write about. After something happens to you, you go to write it down, and either you over dramatize it or under play it, exaggerate the wrong parts or ignore the important ones. At any rate, you never write it quite the way you want to.

-- Sylvia Plath

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Something’s going on inside me lately. And I don’t really know what it is. I don’t even know if I wanna entertain the idea that something weird is happening inside. I have no concept of what it’s about. I don’t feel like naming it, never. The only thing I’m sure of is that I don’t like it, whatever it is.

I don’t want to talk about it sana eh. Kaya lang I feel the need to let it out. Because I am concluding that, it’ll eventually eat me up. I feel like crying, it hurts. Why? I’m not sure if I wanna talk about it here. I don’t want to. Not now, not ever. Ayun nga lang, para naman na kong in denial nian. I say one thing, even if I am actually feeling the opposite of what I say. Makes sense? Does not... Not to me, either. I’m not even sure why I’m working on this blog post right now.

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I hate expecting. I hate being hopeful. I hate the statement ‘I’m looking forward to it.’ I hate fickle-mindedness. I hate making impulsive decisions. I hate planning. I hate plans. I hate routine. I hate myself right now. I hate. I bluntly hate. And I hate the fact that I’m not sure why.

Almost a year ago, someone said about me that I have trust issues. That time, I didn’t know what that means. I didn’t see myself that way. I didn’t know I have any problems when it comes to trusting people. I actually believe that I am too trusting. Like, I give everybody a chance, always. Really. I didn’t know why in the world he said that. Pero the moment I heard it, napaisip ako. Is it true? Do I really have trust issues? It’s just hard to forget. Since then, hindi na nawala sa isip ko. I still think about the essence of that statement until now.

Hmn.. So, bakit kaya? Is it because I am used to saying Weh, Talaga, Seryoso, and Hindi Nga? I guess nasabi nia yun because of that. Ayun lang siguro. Pero kasi naman. Since narinig ko na ngang nanggaling sa ibang tao, feeling ko tuloy, oo nga. I have trust issues.

Why? How come? What? I dunno… I trust the people I love, that’s for sure. Always. Pero minsan kasi, they still INEVITABLY or UNTINTENTIONALY let you down. It doesn’t actually hurt me when that happens, pero it makes me sad. Minsan hindi pa nila alam na they had let you down na. It’s sad. Kasi. I feel like it’s my fault. It’s my fault for expecting. And, at some point, kahit konting konti lang, kasalanan ko for believing in what they say? Am not making sense now, am I? Of course I’m supposed to believe in what they say because I love them. Super! I just don’t really like expecting. And it’s my fault I expect… I look forward to things… I anticipate events… I… I don’t know what else to say. I don’t think I am voicing out my feelings properly tonight... :( Grabe.

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Pano ba… Teka para kasing ang inappropriate ng post na to. Ang gulo, ang labo, nonsense, incoherent, mysterious, secretive, whatever… Nalihis na sa talagang topic. Anyway. I don’t know what I feel :| Ang weird ng feeling. Sobra. And I can’t and don’t wanna try to analyze it here today. Wag muna...? Deym.

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Most of the times, I don’t make plans. I know I have to make things happen if it’s really up to me lang. Kapag may involvement na ng ibang tao, I need a Go signal. Pero unless mangyayare na or we’re doing it na in a minute, dun pa lang ako super maniniwala na it will happen na nga. I’m vague. Sobra. And honestly, I am leaving something out. It just feels like now’s not yet the right time to make sense out of the true issue… Or whatever this thing inside me is. This thing that is bothering me and making me sad. Sucks.

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