Saturday, 31 December 2011
Ayoko athindi ko kayang magalit ng sobra kasi alam ko nasaktan ka rin lang naman. And I’ve been there. I know the feeling.
Ayoko na magassume and all. Sana yung iba din. Di porket may something, lahat ng ginagawa ko may kinalaman na dun. I’m a LOT of stuff compressed in this frigid body. So. Ayun. Go figure. Bahala na ulit magisip yung mga tao. After all, who am I to put ideas in your head? May sarisarili tayong utak kaya walang pakialamanan.
But, hey. Di ko alam san nanggagaling to. I’m typing straight from my head. Kung ano lang lumabas sa utak ko. Ayun. Bahala na si Batman. Or Spiderman. Or kung sinumang superhero. Hehe.
Like, whatever. This is so last year. I promised myself na hindi na ko makikialam, di na magrereact mashado, at hindi na papansinin yung mga papansing tao. They can go to hell for all I care. Ew. So. What I have to do now is mind my own business (though I don’t actually have one) and amuse myself with things that are actually worth my time and focus on people that are truly worth it. Yeah, there’s that.
As long as I know the truth, alam ko may laban ako. To think na imaginary pa yung mga “kaaway” ko. Anobanamanyan. Kaloka. Di ko alam kung nagiilusyon lang ba talaga ko o I can foresee the future lang. Hehe. I’m one step ahead of things minsan. I just know. I’m not sure if this is a Pisces thing with all our intuitive behavior whatever, but yeah… There are scenarios that I play in my head tas nagkakatotoo. Yieee. I’m psychic like that.
Katamad magEnglish minsan. But who cares! Anyway. That’s it for now. I MIGHT post my New Year’s resolution here later, but…Katamad. Ewan. Whatever goes.
On second thought…
Yeah, I think it would be nice to post something here for the New Year. Makapag move on lang sa 2011. Get it? Move on…
Friday, 23 December 2011
I just realized that Ken, aside from being the one and only love of my life, makes me think about things that I know I cannot think of by myself. As I said in one of my past blog entries, well, he lights up my world. He really enlightens me at times. Like, almost literally. Chos.
Being a proud and somewhat know-it-all kid that I am, I’m often the one who corrects people and make them realize their mistakes. I don’t always tell them directly that they were wrong at doing something. I want the revelation to come out of their mouths. I just give them examples or questions that would lead them to the truth that they are sometimes too blind to see.
But with Ken, especially when we’re arguing and I am sort of doubtful of myself as well, there are times when he’d contradict me and I would be too lost to say anything. I’d be somehow enlightened by what he said that it’d take me a couple of seconds to answer him back. And although I already knew I’m wrong and I already realized my mistake, I’d still force myself to come up with something just for the sake of not admitting defeat and not being pahiya.
Only he could make me realize my shortcomings. And I’m glad he’s that person. It would be so uncomfortable if it were someone else. He’s the ONLY person in this world who knows me aside from myself. Word. I’m a million percent sure that Ken’s the only person who knows me inside out. And I love him so very much so consider me lucky. Very, very lucky at that. He knows EVERYTHING about me yet he’s staying. I’m still kinda surprised that he’s still with me and he even assured me that he’s not going anywhere no matter what.
And as time goes by, I just adore him more. He’s someone I know I could look up to for the rest of my life. I want to spend the rest of my life with him, loving him, and breathing for him. Word.
So. Sabi ko nga inaantok na ko…
Hi, Ken! ♥ Will see you later! >:D< Happy 1 year, 3 months, 1 day, my love! :* :*
Sunday, 18 December 2011
Satirical, isn’t it. And the duration of my crying throughout the movie was almost equal to the half of it. I saw parts of myself in all the three main characters. One’s when Sam (played by Jennifer Lawrence) was crying on Jacob’s (Anton Yelchin) arms because she heard, yet again, about Anna (Felicity Jones); I remember how my face was contorted in front of the mirror a few hours ago. Theirs were honest to goodness acting. Even if not in a long distance relationship, the audience could totally relate to what the characters were going through. The film explored what actually happens in relationships: how it affects the things that surround them, how the external factors affects, and how and why people do all they can to deal with hardships and strive to hold on to what really matters to be able to be in that place they call home.
They were torn between staying together and moving on from each other but not being able to. They already know they were meant to be together. Being with each other and reliving the past became an addiction that was so hard to shake off that even when they were seeing other people, they still exhaust each other with the idea of “them” forever and ever. They both know they won’t be able to get rid of each other. They became each other’s piece. It’s obvious they can never live without the other. It was like it’s okay for them to fool around with other people ‘cause each thinks that the other would still be able to accept them; that they would still end up together, no matter what. Being selfish and not thinking about the people they would hurt. They belong together for them.
Towards the end of the film, I kind of got lost and forgot what the point of everything was…
It’s about hoping that in the end, after confusing words were spoken, glances were exchanged, spending nights by yourself, deceptive moments shared with someone else, after all liquors were drunk, and despite the distance, you’d still be the chosen one; that love really conquers all and is the most powerful emotion or force in the world. That no matter how many struggles lovers may experience, as long as their love for each other and their desire to be in each other’s arms are very genuine and strong, they could and would still end up together with their treasured, sacred love.
Anyway, I just wish that the protagonist’s name were different. The commonality of it annoys me. I guess life’s playing its little joke on me again. Tsktsk.
I just missed Ken more. There are still some things to sort out between us. And I’m still on the verge of pulling out my hair and scratching my skin… Like crazy.
Let’s remember what we said about forever.
Saturday, 17 December 2011
I always find myself in this kind of situation: with a pathetic face, messed up hair, slouched posture, and god-forsaken eyes. It’s always me versus the world and to tell you the truth, I never win. I always end up feeling sorry for myself, shaking my head, saying, “I knew this would happen.” I’m not sure why I always struggle to get everything my way when I know there are external forces that would just always blow me away and prove to me that I would always be that silly little girl that has no chance on, well, almost everything.
But knowing doesn’t actually stop us from doing something we already knew would hurt. Because it never hurts to try. And hurt always arrives latterly. You’d just realize it’s there when you could already hear the sound of your heart breaking, making its way down to the floor in slow motion, as if its making you realize so damn hard what you lost or are starting to lose. It’s not the breaking that hurts the most; it’s hearing it break to pieces, shattering like your favourite chinaware; it’s knowing that even if you find a way to put them back together, it would never ever feel the same. It would always twitch, reminding you of how much pain you’ve endured. *SIIIIGH*
And then this song plays on the background… Thus this post’s title… Talk about perfect timing…
What I hate most about being hurt is the fact that no matter how much I distract myself, I would always have that split second out of mind/body experience. It’s rather hard to describe but I’d try… Uhm. For me, it’s like being out of this world. It feels like nothing else ever existed but you and an enveloping darkness that you wouldn’t be able to run from. It’s the rush of memories drowning you. It’s the random emotional outbursts that would be available all throughout the day. Unlimited, for that matter. It’s tearing up when you least expect it. It would make you wonder about the things that could and would happen now that you’re sort of on your own, even, at least, for a while.
And there would always be that thinking-about-you moment. I’d wonder what you’re doing. I’d think about whether loneliness is keeping you company as well. If we’re still both in this together. Or if you’re sound asleep already, while I’m wide awake, scared to close my eyes and have these motherfucking nightmares. Vivid nightmares that would make me wanna wake up immediately or would seduce me into sleeping forever.
I hate this feeling. Finding myself in this situation is indescribable. It really makes me want to take the easiest way out. Like kill myself or something. I don’t like struggles. And conflicts. I may appear strong, it would seem like I don’t care, but deep down inside the deepest corner of my center, I know that I’m wasting away. And I’m really losing it. What only keeps me from shutting down the life spark is not yet being ready to face nothingness. I’m still dealing with the fact that after this life, I would be completely erased on this planet. And not seeing what would happen to the people I love after my death makes me worry, too. See, I still care about you guys. Why can’t you see that!
I couldn’t accept that what I have now is all that I could ever have. I couldn’t just sit up straight and wait for things to happen. Ranting about it and complaining about it is what I do best. Hey, at least I’m doing something… I’m just waiting for the perfect time to restart my life. I love what I have and I’m very thankful about them. It’s just that I know that this isn’t everything for me yet. I know my life could be better. And I also know that talking or blogging about my problems won’t get me anywhere… Duh.
It’s just that not having anyone actually listen to what you have to say is making my insides rot. It makes everything that I’m going through a million times hardeeerr.
I’m in this shithole again. And instead of crawling out of it, I confuse myself into sliding farther away from the exit. I really don’t know what to do. If I had a brain, I would gracefully use it more often than I use my heart. I’m fucked up… Again. And again. And again.
Sunday, 27 November 2011
It was a group swimming and I was with my “friends.” I had no idea who they were. They weren’t part of my real life. I just knew that we were friends (in my dreams, at least). So anyway, we went to the beach. In the first dream, I didn’t swim. It was as if I was scared with the water. I could see the current and I was too scared to jump in. I just sat by the seashore, made myself a little wet by playing with the small waves that rushed to me, and watched as my friends enjoyed the water. However, with the same setting in my dream last night, I plunged right it. I was floating… My mind was adrift… I let the current take me… After a few minutes of losing myself, I realized I was already in the middle of the ocean. I panicked. I rushed back to the shore…
I searched THIS SITE for the meanings, and voila! They fit.
* To dream that you are swimming suggests that you are exploring aspects of your unconscious mind and emotions. The dream may be a sign that you are seeking some sort of emotional support. It is a common dream image for people going through therapy.
* To see the sea in your dream represents your unconscious and the transition between your unconscious and conscious. As with all water symbols, it also represents your emotions.
Saturday, 26 November 2011
Someone from Baguio tweeted or posted on FB that Christina Perri’s A Thousand Years that is included in Breaking Dawn’s OST was superb or something, so I watched it on YouTube, wasn’t let down, downloaded the whole album from KickAss Torrents and then listened to the song for about four hours, straight. Whew. I instantly fell in love with it! I guess it’s because I kinda fancy Christina Perri, too. Hehe.
Moving on… Ken and I were crashing the mall earlier today and passed by the cinemas when they were playing the song! Talk about timing and coincidences… The song was already halfway when we caught it so we waited for it to start again. I told him it’s our theme song from now on. *wink*
Check out the music video of the song with clips from the movie, Breaking Dawn. Yay!
I can’t wait to watch Breaking Dawn! Again, it’s solely because of the stunning Kristen Stewart. ♥
Sunday, 20 November 2011
On Thursday, November 17, Xang and I decided to go to UP-Ayala Techno Hub to look for work. My mom’s patient who works in HSBC told us to apply.
Xang arrived at my place at around 9.30am. I hadn’t taken a bath yet when she came so she had to wait for me for at least an hour before we could leave for TH. We went to SC first to buy some things and prepare ourselves for the so-called job interview(s) that we’d be dealing with. At this point, Ken had been texting me that he’s arrived at Techno Hub already and was waiting for us at Ministop.
Now to my dismay, I left my ID at home. Dang. It didn’t occur to me that I would be needing it. Hehe. It’s a good thing Ken was with us to save the day. He went to my place and then asked my mom for the ID. While we were waiting for Ken, Xang and I decided to hang out at Ministop. A few seconds passed and then some girl from Teletech approached us and asked if we were applying for jobs and if we could go with her for a while.
Since we went there not to waste time, we said okay to the girl and went with her inside Teletech. To make the story short, applying in Teletech didn’t push through. I enjoyed munching on their free Pizza, though. Yum!
At around lunchtime, Xang, Ken and I went to HSBC. I texted my mom’s patient but she wasn’t replying so we just got on with the application without any guidance or help from her.
I passed the initial interview via phone but failed their super hirap na exam. Gaddemit. While I was answering it, I feel like what I was reading was a language that is beyond this world. I wasn’t really prepared for it. I was completely lost in the first part of the exam. The next two parts were easy though, even if my seatmate kept on asking me questions and distracting me. Ugh. Since I wasn’t very sure about the first part, they call it Buplas btw, I knew then that I might not be hired. It was kinda heartbreaking, but not really. At least next time, I already know what to review on. Heehee.
When the guy there confirmed that I failed the first of three parts of the exam, I was kinda disappointed with myself. Well, yeah, it was technically the first job interview for me. But still… I despise being rejected, really. It’s too much for my proud self. Heehee. Good thing, though, Ken was there to hold me. After the guy at the reception desk dismissed us, I asked for Ken immediately and then hugged him. The day was very tiring; I wouldn’t have survived it without his loving and supporting self. Upon leaving HSBC, we ate our hearts out in KFC. Hehe. It seemed like a celebration or a blowout even if I wasn’t hired. Lol. Or we were just that hungry! :*
I was really kinda disappointed by not getting the job, but it was quite an experience. And Ken made it super worthwhile, yay! I know he’d be there for me no matter what. He already proved that.
Thursday, 27 October 2011
there’s always something that is happening in between the sheets and the bed.
But let me tell you, It’s not always like that.
The feeling of actually hugging each other until you fall asleep, the warmth of each other’s breath, and the total happiness in the morning when you wake up right beside them.
Everything may sound so good to be true,
but sometimes it takes a lot of responsibility and love to be able to be as wholesome as possible.
Sleeping with your special someone is one of the most heartwarming experiences you’ll ever have.
No nothing, simply hugging and smiling yourself to sleep."
Tuesday, 25 October 2011
I guess the book Walong Diwata ng Pagkahulog by Edgar Calabia Samar came to me just in time. Well, the moment I decided to read it wasn’t really the first time it landed on my hands, but the time “life” kinda forced me to read it, I believe it was just right on time.
Jamie asked me to read the book earlier this year, I think, and said that I should because it’s weird or something, so I would definitely like it. But since I am not really fond of reading books in Filipino, I lent it to Gely instead.
However, because of some issues or misunderstanding or whatever that occurred, Jamie asked me to give her the book back (and all her things I still have that time, for that matter). So. I scheduled Gely for us to meet so I could have Jamie’s book in my hands again. I thought I couldn’t give her back the book yet without reading it. That’s why I did. And to my surprise, I became hooked!
I was currently reading The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle by Haruki Murakami when I decided to read Walong Diwata ng Pagkahulog as well. And I was surprised when there’s a part in the book where the main character, Daniel, was also reading it! When I got to that part of the book, I thought that this came to me in the right time. The fact that I wasn’t able to read it the first time I held it meant that I was really supposed to read it when I actually read it. Like, whoa! I rather thought that this book was particularly written for me. Haha. I just won’t accept the fact that what was presented to me was just a series of coincidences.
I kinda told myself that the main character and I were somehow related. Lol. Daniel, like me, has been through different courses in college, reads the authors I’ve read, plus he’s a frustrated writer and so am I! :D Not to mention the fact that we’re both born in February; he’s on the 19th and I’m on the 23rd. My mom was born in Samar pa. Oha. Okay guys, believe me, there’s moooore. I just chose not to identify all our similarities here. Hehe.
The whole story was kinda weird in an unconventional way. Hey, I liked the book! I just kinda felt like the ending was bitin or something. Anyway… It kinda freaked me out when I thought that the whole story changes depending on who’s reading it. Like, the book rewrites itself with the reader’s struggles and personal thoughts. Idk. Maybe that was just my imagination running wild. Hehe. Yeah, there’s that.
Well, I’m suggesting you guys read the book so you’d have an idea of what I’m talking about. But if my hypothesis that the storyline changes depending on who reads it… Uh-oh. Then things that are written here won’t be true. Hehe.
It’s a different kind of experience for me since I’m not used to reading these kinds of stuff from Pinoy writers. I’m not sure what’s the trend here na… But. For me it’s the first of its kind. So. Just read it.
In my Komunikasyon 1 class, we were asked to analyze a book using PAPITS (don't ask). And I chose this book, yay! And. The book is with it's owner now. Hee.
Monday, 17 October 2011
Wipe away your tears of failure and misfortune. Lay aside your heavy load and rest until your heart is still.
Be at peace. Already it is later than you think, for your earthly life, at best, is only the blink of an eye between two eternities.
Be unafraid. Nothing here can harm you except yourself. Do that which you dread, and cherish those victories with pride.
Concentrate your energy. To be everywhere is to be nowhere. Be jealous of your time, since it is your greatest treasure.
Reconsider your goals. Before you set your heart too much on anything, examine how happy they are who already possess what you desire.
Love your family and count your blessings. Reflect on how eagerly they would be sought if you did not have them.
Put aside your impossible dreams and complete the task at hand no matter how distasteful. All great achievements come from working and waiting.
Be patient. God’s delays are never God’s denials.
Hold on. Hold fast. Know that your paymaster is always near. What you sow, good or evil, that you will reap.
Never blame your condition on others. You are what you are through your choice alone.
Learn to live with honest poverty, if you must, and turn to more important matters than transporting gold to your grave.
Never meet trouble halfway. Anxiety is the rust of life. When you add tomorrow’s burdens to today’s, their weight becomes unbearable.
Avoid the mourner’s bench and give thanks, instead, for your defeats. You would not receive them if you did not need them.
Always learn from others. He who teaches himself has a fool for a master.
Do not overload your conscience. Conduct your life as if it were spent in an arena filled with tattlers.
Avoid boasting. If you see anything in you that puffs you with pride, look closer and you will find more than enough to make you humble.
Be wise. Realize that all men are not created equal, for there is no equality in nature, yet no man was ever born whose work was not born with him.
Work every day as if it were your first, yet tenderly treat the lives you touch as if they will all end at midnight.
Love everyone, even those who deny you, for hate is a luxury you cannot afford.
Seek out those in need. Learn that he who delivers with one hand will always gather with two.
Be of good cheer.
Above all, remember that very little is needed to make a happy life:
LOOK UP. REACH OUT. CLING SIMPLY TO GOD and journey quietly on your pathway to forever with charity and a smile.
When you depart it will be said by all that your legacy was a better world than the one you found.
-- fr. THE GIFT OF ACABAR by Og Mandino & Buddy Kaye
Sunday, 16 October 2011
I almost never go out on Sundays. Even if I wanted to. It’s either there’s no one I could hang out with or I have nowhere to go. And well, yeah, I’m broke. So I have no choice but to stay at home. It’s one of those days I wish I had a job already. I need something I could spend, okay. But I guess I really lack any will or motivation to look for a job and therefore earn money. I would have one now if I were just THAT determined to earn. Or whatever. Fcuk this. So, yeah. I hate Sundays. It always reminds me how boring my life is.
Was really hoping I’d be able to see Ken on this Monday. But I didn’t. And I was supposed to apply for a job at IBM with Xang but she had to do some school work so we decided to cancel it.
At around noon, I texted Gely if I could get back some friend’s book that I lent her. She agreed then also asked if we could have lunch at McDo or KFC. We texted another highschool friend, Rosanne, and then went to her place at around two in the afternoon. Rosanne had to help another friend first, Camilla, so Gely and I just headed to CHE to watch and support her classmates and friends defend their thesis. I thought theses aren’t for me and that they should have never been part of being a student. Gely and I just chatted and share stories during that thesis defence. She gave me five grad photos and these are my favourites:
At madumi pa scanner :| Hey, Gely! Sorry for posting. I just had to. You are so very beautiful, that’s why! :D
Well, back to my story… After a few hours, Rosanne texted that they were finish already and we can go eat na. We met at Vinzon’s, then rode a jeepney to UP-Ayala Technohub, and had our super late lunch at KFC. If you could still call it lunch, that is. Hehe. It was a very fun day! :D We planned to eat at Cravings on 17, tomorrow, but I don’t think that would push through.
I guess it’s true what they say, that your highschool friends are your lifetime friends.
During the week before this, I’ve been spending some energy making something for Ken. I call it Love Pills. Lame? Well, whatever, I’m in love! ♥ I wrote some inspirational, cheesy statements on small strips of paper, folded it and then put it inside a small jar that I decorated. I told him he was supposed to get one each day. The total number of paper strips is 75, so the last strip would be on Christmas Day. Idk. I was inspired. Hehe. I gave it to him on this day. We spent the whole day at his place eating Tuna Pasta. It was love-filled and I was very ecstatic! ;)
Hey! This day inspired THIS ENTRY. Lol. I asked Ken to wait for me at SC ‘cause I’m not yet done pampering my pretty self. Hehe. But my mom saw him so he decided to just go to my place and wait for me there. He played with my little brother, Kaiser, while I was upstairs, changing my wardrobe repeatedly. I can’t instantly decide what to wear. So I just wore my gray shirt, skinny jeans and chucks. Then Ken and I went to SM North, had lunch there, window-shopped, walked a lot, ate a lot, cuddled a lot, kissed a lot, and pissed each other off a lot. But we still love each other a lot, to begin with. Hehe.
We did a lot of talking, yeah. And those were intellectual conversations, mind you. We had the strawberry sundae at Jollibbee in Trinoma, which was SORT OF a source of one of our past arguments/tampuhan or something. Although we parted ways in a not so cool manner, it was a very fun day, after all.
I stayed at home the whole day. I woke up at around noon, drank a cup of coffee, watched a few episodes of The OC and realized that I haven’t eaten anything yet. But since there was nothing to eat (at least nothing that I like), I just waited until dinner and finally was able to eat with gusto.
The boyfriend and I weren’t totally in good shape the other day but I still managed to go to his place because I so wanted to. And I miss him so much, already!
Though the day with him didn’t actually start modestly, we were able to smooth things over. We were all over each other until his highschool friends crashed his crib. I guess we needed to be somehow decent or something so I can’t just kiss him randomly. But anyway. It was okay and I didn’t lose my cool towards Ken, mostly. Hehe. I can’t say that I really enjoyed hanging out with them. I mean, I’m not really friends with everybody… But I can’t also say that I didn’t like being with them. I just feel like it wasn’t really my reality or something. I’m still very cool about it, though. And I managed to tease Ken a lot. You should’ve seen him. Hehe ;)
But. Sometimes it’s just so hard to make believe and detach yourself from what you actually feel. Uhm… To be able to save face? Idk. Uhm. Yeah, but whatever. I wasn’t born to please someone I’m not really fond of, anyway. Will probably explore more about the issue at hand someday. Or never. Hehe. Moving on…
Xang texted me the other night that the soulful band Up Dharma Down has a gig at the UP College of Science amphitheatre for the Friday Night Lights to promote their new album. I didn’t think I’d still be able to meet Xang after hanging out at Ken’s but just when I was at my house already, she texted me that I should drag my fat ass over there na while the band hasn’t played yet. I just lay down on my bed for a while, changed my shirt and then headed to the amphitheatre.
I wasn’t able to find Xang and the others immediately, so I just stood there by myself during the fantastic fireworks display. Oh, how I wished that Ken were there with me. It was somehow romantic, I even imagined us making out under the night sky, which came to life with all the flaring fireworks.
I didn’t know where the theatre was at first. I pretty much guessed where it’s located. I walked, jogged, and ran from my house on the way to NIGS. I was still a few blocks away from the venue but I could already hear the crowd. And they were screaming so loud. It was my kind of crowd, actually. Haha. Dang. I approached the crowd excitedly and saw a few familiar faces.
I wasn’t able to find Xang and the others immediately, so I just stood there by myself during the fantastic fireworks display. Oh, how I wished that Ken were there with me. It was somehow romantic, I even imagined us making out under the night sky, which came to life with all the flaring fireworks.
I found Xang and friends near the Hen Lin booth. When the band started playing, the crowd went wild and almost all the audience were singing their hearts out with Armi. It was such a wonderful night! I felt very light and happy. I miss nights like that one. It was very nostalgic; I actually didn’t feel like I was in UP Diliman. I felt so free and problem-less. I felt like it was a different kind of night; one that I am never used to anymore. I feel wonderful, really. And I wished with all my heart that Ken were standing there beside me, holding me in his arms.
Armi Millare, Up Dharma Down's vocalist, sings orgasmically:
Photo was taken by Xang :D And yes, we were THAT close to Armi!
The cat was sleeping by my feet when I decided to make fun of him. I was caressing him with my right foot at first and decided to pinch him using that foot as well. Being a cat that he is, his version of paglalambing includes biting and scratching, so he bit me. But it was just like a small puncture, I wasn’t even sure if it bled. I’m still worried I’d be Catwoman one day, though. But hey, ain’t that grand?!
It’s a Saturday and we supposedly have classes on Saturdays. Well, except that we’re on the semestral break already. But since I had to get out of the house and I needed to be with my counterpart, we just hanged out at the mall. And yes, we were at SM North Edsa, to be specific. It was fun! :D Every day with Ken is fun naman, even if we always have petty fights that sprout from God knows where. Miraculously, though, we didn’t fight during this day. When we got back at my place at around 4pm, we just sat and talked for a while and decided to eat again.
And then when it was time for him to leave, I was again left with my boring, lonely self.
A few DeMolay brods from Baguio asked me to go with them at the installation of officers of the Mabini lodge at Las Piňas. I did plan on going but later on decided against it. I had no regrets about that, though. I might be a little (if not super) bored at home but what the hell. At least I wouldn’t have given someone something to rant about for the upcoming week. So, I’m fine with that.
However, I’m still kinda worried about being Catwoman when I wake up tomorrow. Lol.
I hate Sundays.
Saturday, 15 October 2011
I swear I was ready to cry. I was so scared; I didn’t even dare to move forward. I was ready to cry because of the possibility that he was dead. I love that cat.
Bea and I exchanged a few nervous looks. A few moments later, the beloved cat finally moved. I even think that it suppressed a yawn when he saw our nervous faces. It finally said “meow,” then relief finally replaced the agony I felt. I let out a heavy sigh. He jumped off the CPU and we moved towards each other.
I held him with my both hands and told him that he scared me. Fuck that. I kept on scratching the back of his head while he was just purring incessantly.
I am so glad he was very much alive and nothing bad happened. He really scared me to death.
Aahh, that cat.
I love the fact that I could tell him anything that’s on my mind without him judging me. Explaining our own sides in every issue helps in understanding each other, I guess. Although we don’t actually agree with what the other person has to say, we could always agree to disagree. The only important thing for me is that he understands what I said and why I said them. It’s important that although he doesn’t agree with me, he have in his mind my explanations on why I felt the things I feel (if ever I succeeded in explaining them).
I care about what he thinks, really. Even if I don’t understand why he did some things sometimes, I do my best to understand him, put myself in his shoes and try to see what I’d do if I were him. I admit that it isn’t an easy task. You can’t actually put yourself in someone else’s shoes and be sure that you could internalize what s/he’s exactly going through and understand the whys and causes behind it.
Another factor regarding my understanding of him is how he perceives me. I know I’m a huge pain in the ass and that there are times when even I don’t like myself. I can be too paranoid, demanding, controlling, and egoistic. I kinda have this disorder when I want everything to go according to my plan. I have an ideal vision of what should be done and I know that sometimes they are kind of impractical and unattainable. Stupid me. So yeah. I know I also have to consider the hardships of dealing with me in the picture. Being my counterpart isn’t an easy part to play or whatever you wanna call it… Hence, I should praise him for keeping up with me for a long time already.
‘Cause even I don’t understand myself. This entry became so confusing to me too. I was supposed to talk about how I love having intellectual conversations with him. I don’t really know how it shifted into our arguments to me being a pain in the ass. I don’t know. Go figure. Hee. I love him. <3
She wouldn’t have been taken aback if only they haven’t talked about the issue a thousand times already. That habit has already heated a lot of arguments between them and should have been kicked out of the range completely. Is she asking too much? Was it too hard to accomplish? In that split second, a few number of pillars of trust that she built collapsed instantly.
After hearing out all her pet demons inside her, hearing them scream out their stands regarding the real issue that was there in the open, she just ignored them. Pretended that it doesn’t bother her. It shouldn’t anymore, right? She closed her eyes and chose to believe in something that wasn’t really there. She loves him so much, that’s why believing in the impossible is somewhat part of the whole loving plan. Therefore, she just smiled. She smiled at him and made herself focus into something else. Something less… important.
It was only later that day when she thought about what really happened inside her, the actual event that was instantly covered by the lingering smile she decided to show instead. She made her demons stand in court and voice all their troubles away. What occurred isn’t really good, mind you. They were all negative. They choose not to be caressed by words that are meant to comfort but are actually insincere.
It was like in every puff, every burnt part of that cigarette signifies her trust. Slowly diminishing every time. Every time “want” takes over “principles,” selfishness weighs more than being trusted, and a few seconds of escape wins over making your girlfriend happy, something is being taken away from both parties. Something that wouldn’t be restored no matter how hard one tries.
Yes, smoking kills. It was said that in every stick you suck, your life span decreases by a few minutes, I think… In the same way that it kills… Relationships.
Sunday, 2 October 2011
I feel like I’m being lied to. By the whole world. Or this universe.
Today... I feel like I don’t actually know anything anymore. I feel like my whole life’s a lie.
Everything. What is LIFE, btw?!
I want to doubt everything but believe on them at the same time. Now, isn’t that being stupid.
Fucktheworld. At least my world…
Why do I always have to be reminded of my fuckedupness.
I just relaxed for a minute, and the next thing I know,
the awful things that I have to endure in my waking life has increased already.
I feel small. Pathetic. Crazy. Stupid. Me.
I’m not exactly sure what my current feelings are called right now.
I want to cry soooo baaaad. But I’m restraining myself from crying ‘cause I feel like if I let tears flow,
it’s like admitting that the fuckingworld has won over me again. And although I’m such a small creature living in this stupid, fuckedup big world, I still have to make a stand.
And shove up his ass the fact that I can’t be tamed.
Lol, what? Miley Cyrus, is that you? Lol.
I wish I made sense. Haaaay. I’m so tired. But I can’t give up now.
Heart. Break. Disease. Anyone?
Saturday, 1 October 2011
Call me out, you stayed inside
One you love, is where you hide
Shot me down as I flew by
Crash and burn
I think sometimes
You forget where the heart is
Answer no to these questions
Let her go, learn a lesson
It's not me, you're not listening
Now, can't you see something's missing
You forget where the heart is
Take you away from that empty apartment
You stay, and forget where the heart is
Someday if ever you loved me you'd say, it's okay
Waking up from this nightmare
How's your life? What's it like there?
Is it all what you want it to be?
Does it hurt when you think about me?
And how broken my heart is
It's okay to be angry and never let go
It only gets harder the more that you know
When you get lonely if no one's around
You know that I'll catch you when you're falling down
We came together but you left alone
And I know how it feels to walk out on your own
Maybe someday I will see you again
And you'll look me in my eyes and call me your friend
WHY DO I EVEN BOTHER. ^kinam.
Monday, 26 September 2011
(Not in particular order)
1. Gossip Girl
Season Five Premiere: Monday, Sept 26
Now on it's third season. I watched the first episode earlier and Quinn's so hot, I was distracted. I hope she'd get longer airtime. That pink hair! *drools*
3. Vampire Diaries
Now on it's third season. Since Nina Dobrev would play three characters in this season, I think it'd be more exciting. I'm loving Katherine Pierce than Elena Gilbert, btw. Go girl!
I've read on IFTN that there wouldn't be season two for this series anymore. Which kinda broke my heart. WHY?! I barely understand why. I liked it a lot! I was excited for season two the moment the 1st season was over. I wish that the people responsible for this show would change their minds. Anobayan.
5. Game of Thrones
Season two will premiere next year, yay! Please bring Ned Stark back to life. Everything's possible, I believe. Pretty please? It would never be the same without him. I'm sure I'd miss him a loooot. And oh, I still can't get over his death. Sad.
6. True Blood
Yes, there'd be a fifth season. Excited much? I can't wait too! In the meantime, I'd be reading the latest installment of the Sookie Stackhouse novels where the TV series was based, entitled Dead Reckoning.
8. Pretty Little Liars
Season two will continue airing next year. I can't wait. Seriously. Why does this show have a loooong mid-season break? I don't really like waiting! Argh! However, there would be a Halloween flashback episode that would premiere on October 19, 2011. Bring it on!
I'm also watching The Secret Circle as of the moment but not yet really hooked on it. It'll be airing its third episode this week. I'm kinda hopeful about this series, though, since I'm into witchcraft and I kinda feel like I have some kind of power in me. Lol. Will still try to find out how the show would progress.
So... What are your favorite TV series? :D
Sunday, 25 September 2011
Some days, I just wanna die. I wouldn’t want to die, in the literal meaning of the word… I just wanna lie down and rest... Close my eyes…Turn off my mind… Shut off myself completely.
Sometimes it becomes one of the things I wanna escape from. It feels so illogical and senseless sometimes. I just wanna be by myself sometimes. I want all the boundaries and limitations I have to imprison me. Put up barriers between the world and me.
Some days, I just wanna be alone… And I can’t blame hormones for that.
I’m so bored, I wanna cut myself to pieces. Create tension; make that red stuff flow outside my body and with it, all the negative thoughts I have. Be freed from something that doesn’t quench my need to comprehend. I just wanted to feel that stinging sensation and the throbbing pain I wouldn’t be able to escape from for at least a while...
I’ve been catching myself looking over the horizon, a lot. I can’t actually group together some words to come up with an explanation… And I don’t think I could come up with an excuse for this action, anyway. It’s just that I’ve been catching myself looking over at the horizon without actually realizing I was doing it… With my sad, disappointed eyes.
I’m kinda disappointed with my life right now, you know… And by how it’s turning out to be. Well. Not everything about my life though… I’m being such a big disappointment to myself and it sucks, really. I don’t know why I ended up here, what exactly I did, what’s the main cause of every wrong thing that eventually happened, what actually happened, and what were the first signs of trouble… *SIIIIGH*
We cry for the things we can’t understand. We’re scared of the things that might be lurking in the dark… Of what’s hiding under our beds at night, when we’re comfortably sleeping and we feel like everything’s sound and nothing would hurt us… Or of what we might find beneath the deep well that stays safe on the corner where we keep our darkest secrets… Swallowing up our ground, leaving us defenceless.
We’re so scared, we can’t do anything about it but cry.
Wednesday, 21 September 2011
Hey! That's my favorite superhero over there! :* And he goes by the name Ken, mind you. I favor Batman, too. But I'm just too goddamn purrfect for him, I settled with someone equally perfect... Ken. And I can proudly say, with my head held up high, that I've never been this happy in my entire, as in entire, life. It feels soooo good to have found someone I'm sure to spend the rest of my life with.
He's my greatest superhero of all time. He triggered in me a more positive life. He saved me from myself...
I would've wanted to share him with you guys.
After all, I'm the most interesting
I love you, Ken. I so can't wait for 2NE2! :P :*
Wednesday, 14 September 2011
Your subtleties, they strangle me
I can’t explain myself at all.
And all the wants, and all the needs
All I don’t want to need at all.
The walls start breathing, my minds unweaving
Maybe it’s best you leave me alone.
A weight is lifted, on this evening
I give the final blow.
When darkness turns to light, it ends tonight
A falling star, least I fall alone.
I can’t explain what you can’t explain.
You're finding things that you didn’t know
I look at you with such disdain
When darkness turns to light
It ends tonight, it ends tonight.
Just a little insight won't make this right
It’s too late to fight
It ends tonight, it ends tonight.
Now I’m on my own side
It’s better than being on your side
It’s my fault when you're blind
It's better that I see it through your eyes
All these thoughts locked inside
Now you’re the first to know...
Monday, 12 September 2011
So many words get lost. They leave the mouth and lose their courage, wandering aimlessly until they are swept into the gutter like dead leaves. On rainy days, you can hear their chorus rushing past: I was a beautiful girl, please don’t go, I too believe my body is made of glass, I’ve never loved anyone, I think of myself as funny, forgive me… There was a time when it wasn’t uncommon to use a piece of string to guide words that otherwise might falter on the way to their destinations. Shy people carried a little bunch of string in their pockets, but people considered loudmouths had no less need for it, since those used to being overheard by everyone were often at a loss for how to make themselves heard by someone. The physical distance between two people using a string was often small; sometimes the smaller the distance, the greater the need for the string. The practice of attaching cups to the ends of string came much later. Some say it is related to the irrepressible urge to press shells to our ears, to hear the still-surviving echo of the world’s first expression. Others say it was started by a man who held the end of a string that was unraveled across the ocean by a girl who left for America. When the world grew bigger, and there wasn’t enough string to keep the things people wanted to say from disappearing into the vastness, the telephone was invented. Sometimes no length of string is long enough to say the thing that needs to be said. In such cases all the string can do, in whatever its form, is conduct a person’s silence.
-- Nicole Krauss, The History of Love
Sunday, 11 September 2011
It's raining so hard
Looks like it's gonna rain all night
And this is the time
I'd love to be holding you tight
But I guess I'll have to accept
The fact that you're not here
I wish the night will hurry up and end, my dear
It's raining so hard
It's really coming down
Sitting by my window
Watching the rain fall to the ground
This is the time
I'd love to be holding you tight
I guess I'll just go crazy tonight
It's raining so hard
It brings back memories
Of the time that you were here with me
Counting every drop
About to blow my top
I wish the rain would hurry up and stop
I've got the blues so bad
I can hardly catch my breath
And the harder it rains
The worse it gets
This is the time
I'd love to be holding you tight
I guess I'll just go crazy tonight
I was watching Bridesmaids a few hours ago and heard this song somewhere in the middle of the movie and I instantly loved it.
I can imagine myself listening to this song during rainy days, missing my boyf. It's not even raining tonight but I miss him a lot already... I guess I'll just pretend that it's raining so I can feel the song and inhale its soothing melody... Feel it inside my body, caressing my heartstrings. Hee. I feel so sentimental just listening to this song.
The movie, by the way, is really really funny. I loved it! Praises to Kristen Wiig and the super stunning Rose Byrne. Yay! I got kinda emotional and missed my girl friends by watching this. I thought that this is one of the movies that I should be watching with them. Aww... Sad. It also has a lot of lessons that I should try applying to my life right now. Hmn...
Oh. And. This is one of the movies that I think I'd watch again. It made me laugh a lot. Hehehe.
Thursday, 8 September 2011
« You and your best friend can say one word, and crack up.
« You hate when one string of your hoodie is longer than the other.
« You hate it when people think you like someone when you clearly don't.
« You hate it when your favorite song comes on, as you pull into the driveway.
« You feel like if you turn on the lights, you will be safe from anything.
« You push those little buttons on the lids of fast-food drinks.
« You laugh until people get hurt, then stop when you realize it's serious.
« You hate it when parents get serious about something funny you tell them.
« You hate when you tell a guy to shut up and they copy you in a higher voice.
« You pretend to sleep when your parents come in.
« You text the person next to you things that you can't say out loud.
« You hate when people in front of you walk really slow and you can't get past them.
« You're always tired no matter how much sleep you get.
« You use the "sup" head nod. You just did the nod after you read it. (Lol Yeah!)
« You hate when you are mad at someone and they make you laugh.
« You check the fridge every ten seconds to see if food magically appeared.
Found this on Tumblr but couldn't find the original source. So... Yeah.
I’m currently listening to Speak Now, Taylor Swift's third album. It was released on October 2010, but I just listened intently to it last month. I kinda belittled this album since I WAS not actually a fan of Taylor Swift… until now. Sshhh… Don’t ask.
I downloaded this album the moment it was released but I never really got the time to listen to it with all my heart. Heehee. I just decided to take some of my time to listen to her and feel her after I noticed my siblings singing most of Taylor Swift’s songs from this album. And. Gosh. I became so addicted to it. I don’t know what’s there is about her and her voice but I instantly loved her. She’s so addicting, I kinda feel like I am under a spell.
Now, I make it a point to listen to her album every day. O diba. How’s that?!
Here are my favourite songs from the said album (in no particular order):
1. Sparks Fly
2. Back to December
4. The Story of Us
8. Speak Now:
Wednesday, 7 September 2011
I also like the fact that this series is trying to show us how guy friends can help a girl regarding her love problems. I kinda relate to that, actually. Sometimes the best advices come from the people whom you least expect to get them from. There are really times when it feels so good to have your guy friends around, instead of girl friends. I even feel like there’s no pretentiousness when it comes to guys. As in no bullshit. No fuckery of some sort. And when they care about you as a friend, they really care about you. Do you guys agree with me? Or am I just super lucky to have reliable guy friends? Heehee.
I seriously can't wait for this new series!
For more information about New Girl, visit THIS PAGE :D
Sunday, 4 September 2011
Emotions aren’t actually felt with the heart, including love. I’ve read somewhere that Love is just being associated with this shape: ♥ because when we’re hurt, it feels like it is breaking. We’d have a tight, stabbing feeling in our chest, making us feel like our heart’s hurting. It’s such an unbearable, uncomfortable pain that our brain would start yelling “I told you so.” It hurts once again. Why do I never listen to my brain? *SIGH* With this chest pain, maybe it’s really our heart that’s breaking. Even if the amygdala that controls our emotions is located at the brain… Plus. It wouldn’t look really appealing if we use a symbol of the brain to say “I love you.” Like, I [insert picture of brain here] YOU. It wouldn’t look as cute as I ♥ YOU. Agree?
All this heart talk because I kinda feel like my heart’s breaking tonight. I feel used, unloved, consumed, uncared for, and being lied to. By the people I love. Or is it just me? And. But. I don’t wanna feel these feelings tonight. Or ever. I wish I could take my heart out, keep it in a metal vault, and hide it in a dark, cold place where no one would be able to find it. I just don’t wanna deal with my heartache right now. Whatever its cause is… I wanna detach to some things. I keep on looking for a distraction. I just couldn’t find it.
I don’t know what’s happening to my life right now. I feel like it’s starting to be unfixable. I hate the things that are starting to become routine. I call them routine because I don’t really enjoy doing them. Quarrels, for example. It’s starting to be a habit... Us. Fighting. It’s been a fucking bitch that lurks around the corner… Hiding itself behind a lamppost down the street. Watching our every move. Ready to attack whenever it finds a crack. Such a bitch that’s starting to shake this foundation. *SIGH*
I’m fucking tired. Do you care.
I’ve always dreaded job interviews especially the part where you have to tell them something or anything about yourself. I don’t actually know how to start telling people things about me. I kinda feel like this would be the death of me. Chos.
I do know myself but when asked to tell or write something about me, it’s like I don’t really know who I am. Damn. I wish I could just ask them to read this blog and let them find out for themselves. That would be easier.
I just don’t know how to start, what to say, and how to say it. The topic’s so broad. I consist of a lot of things, that’s why. I stutter. My mind goes blank. Who the hell am I?
In other news…
I get really, really sad nowadays. I guess I can’t blame the hormones inside my body anymore. I feel like I need to see a psychiatrist already and ask her to prescribe me some anti-depressants. I’m so helpless. My God. I’m so fucking sad with my life right now. What sucks is that I know I should be happy. I just can’t figure out yet why I’m not.
I was listening to Mellow 94.7’s The Twist and the Twisted Tell-All topic for the day was: WHAT’S YOUR TYPE? I wanted my answer to this question to be read on air but since I had no cellphone load and I wasn’t online, I would just put my answer here. Hee.
I don’t think I have a particular type. What matters to me is that we get along very well and the other person won’t try to change me or control me in any way. Because I like being myself. The people whom I used to “hang out” with don’t have certain characteristics in common, so I can’t tell if I have a particular type. Haha. I just need to be comfortable with them, whatever their type. Lol.
Wednesday, 31 August 2011
Not only friends nor boys come on go…
Everyone in our life comes and goes as they please.
They think they could just turn up in our life and walk away.
Turn up and walk away… Walk away.
Why do I never learn?
In the end, the fact that
“You only have yourself”
Will be smacked right into your face and
There’s nothing left to do but turn your eyes into waterfalls.
No matter how hard you control the flow,
The current’s just too strong to be handled.
I always end up being hurt because I easily let people in.
They get too close to hurt me. I turn out stupid.
I never learn. I just realize all my mistakes when it’s too late already.
I never learn.
Is this the price I gotta pay for all the wrong things I did?
… To be taken for granted by the people I care for?
You know what sucks?
It’s the fact that I know I’ve been through this already.
I just can’t do anything to avoid it.
(I’m so emotional, I hate myself sometimes… //wrist)
Saturday, 27 August 2011
After almost a week of just staring at the “New Post” page, I thought I should update this blog now (since it’s raining and the plans for tonight have been cancelled)…
Starting in 5… 4… 3… 2… 1…
☒ My dad still hates me. Or something. We’re not talking to each other since forever. I don’t really care now. I’m already used to it. It just feels so weird now that when he needed something, like a glass of water, he’d call anyone but me even if I’m the one whose available or in sight. It’s so strange; we’re like strangers living in the same house. At least he doesn’t actually “require” me to do something for him anymore. I’m not sure if that’s something to be happy about, though. We live in the same house as if we’re not recognized in each other’s radar. Pfft.
☒ A few weeks ago, Xang planned to celebrate her birthday today. But due to some things that I should be upset about but not really, the celeb that was planned since last last week didn’t happen.
I was even KINDA sad last night when Ken told me he wouldn’t make it. I just badly wanted him to be there. I want to be with him at every possible time, event, or phenomena. Lol. I just can’t accept the fact that he couldn’t be always available when it comes to things like that. I know I should learn to live with that na. I have no hard feelings left anyway already. Anyway. The other participants for tonight’s supposedly celeb also backed out. They clamoured they were busy. It came to a point na it would only be Xang and me na lang sana. Wow diba. Chos.
At around 3pm, Xang decided to watch a movie na lang with her boyf so her birthday celebration was rescheduled. But Idk when pa. I feel bad for her. I feel bad like/with her. Really. And I also feel kinda sullen towards the others.
But. Since it was rescheduled, Ken still has a chance to ask permission from his parents to be with me at Xang’s party. *crossfingers* And I hope the others would be able to be there as well. I miss them.
☒ I’m still upset, though. What’s happening to us, myGod.
☑ Just saw this on Tumblr. Couldn’t get more accurate… Dedicated to Ken, my one and only:
I hate you and then I love you. It’s like I want to throw you off a cliff, then rush to the bottom to catch you.
That’s my thought, exactly. Earlier today, when we were walking otw to McDo, Philcoa, he stepped on a puddle, that is full of germs and other icky microorganisms, as if he didn’t see it. Eeew. If he weren’t complaining about his semi-aching, wounded, wet feet before that, I wouldn’t have been so mad at him. (Hi, Ken! :* Haha) I kinda yelled at him pa nga eh. Kasi I was really super mad. I swear. Ang kulit talaga, hindi mapagsabihan. We ended up not talking the whole time that we were having lunch. Tengene that.
After about an hour ata, he told me he needed to go home na ‘cause he’s dizzy. But since he had to wait for his brother pa, we kinda chilled at my place na muna and waited for his twin brother there.
We ended up kissing and hugging and laughing, btw. It was such a crazy day… It was a crazy week actually. So many things happened. And they’re all insane… And very tiring. But aside from the madness and all the abnormalities of Ken+Me, we’re still super in love with each other, yay! And I’m sure as hell that I’m gonna stay in love with him for the rest of my life. *kisses*
☑ It’s less than a month na lang until my first FIRST! ♥ I’m so excited I can’t help but be giddy about it… And I am beyond happy and blessed that it’s with Ken.
Whoo. Party! ◕‿◕
In other news...
Ken was (kinda) looking at the underwear pages of the MSE brochure. I felt kind of ashamed with my body. Lol. What the hell. You could buy them for me naman my love. Ako na magsusuot para sayo! *wink*
Wednesday, 24 August 2011
Oh, God. I miss her so much. I miss listening to her stories, sitting beside her, and just rubbing her back or playing with her hair. I miss her eyes that still twinkled despite their tired looks. I miss the way she fanned herself. I miss the way she looked at me. I miss how she said my name. I miss hugging and kissing her before I head home. And saying “I love you, lola.”
I miss everything about her… :(
I miss you, Inay. I love you so much.
29 MAY 2011 An Affliction That's All Mine
17 JUNE 2011 June 03 2011 ; Lea Andrea, Andrea
Sunday, 21 August 2011
I love this song. But I hate Sundays. Because the following day’s Monday. And. There’s something about Sundays that makes me wanna kill myself. Lol. Seriously. I don’t know why it’s always gloomy for me. I never get to hang out with my friends on Sundays. Because it’s family day… And my family, on most days, doesn’t get along really well. Chos. Therefore, Sunday as family day doesn’t work for me. I hate Sundays.
Wednesday, 17 August 2011
I was kinda lost in my own world thinking about trivial things. Looking up at the magnificent moon on the night sky, I absent-mindedly placed my hands on each front pocket of my jacket. And then it hit me.
Nostalgia… It’s a bitch in its own way. I felt odd; I had to conduct a reality check. I kinda felt like I was walking somewhere in the streets of Baguio. It just rained, hence the cold night air.
I made a trip down memory lane. I remembered those nights in the City of Pines when I had to walk home by myself… Those melancholic walks that usually occurred in the middle of the night… That pathetic feeling of alone-ness… of not having someone to walk with… Those things were the only stuff I had that time. Things that I could actually call mine. The suffering and longing that I felt then was only mine, anyway. Sucked me dry…
It was depression in its unique form. Well, I’d like to think it was unique… That I am unique. I guess that’s what we all have in common. The feeling of uniqueness… Yeah, we all have that.
Anyway. Although I spent most of my nights in Baguio walking alone, I still love it there. Those walks made me think of where my life’s heading. Too bad I only think about them… I never do anything to improve my life, up to now. So… Whatever.
I was reminded of that feeling tonight... That sad, dramatic, I’m-a-living-nonsense-my-life’s-not-going-anywhere feeling… *sigh*
I briefly re-evaluated my life... And realized I’m still the same me. Not much has changed. Sure, I’ve learned a lot from my experiences… But I still can’t say that I’ve grown up even a bit. I still don’t know what I want want. I’m not exactly doing anything useful with my time.
I’m just a brat wanting and making other people provide me with my “needs.”
My obnoxious self’s still with me so I had nothing else to do but hate and complain.
I fucking hate myself right now……
Moving on... Before I knew it, we reached home already.
I guess I should dust off these negative feelings for now.
My sister and I watched this movie just a few hours ago and the ending was super bitin, I wanted to kill myself. Lol. OA. But seriously! Why does the ending had to be super open-ended?! That’s its essence, I guess…? Chos.
One Million Yen Girl is about a girl who was just released from jail and was having a hard time getting her “normal” life back. She served time in prison due to a crime she committed because she felt so bad when her roommate dumped a kitten that she found. She was very mad so she threw out all of his things; hence, she was charged with some criminal action cheneloo. Oh, well… One could never imagine the things we cat ladies do for our felines… Hehe. She realized that she couldn’t live in her parents’ house anymore, so she looked for part-time jobs in different places within the country. Whenever she’d have 1Million Yen in her savings, she’d start to move into a different place. She dislikes getting to know people and sort of hides the fact that she’s an ex-con.
When she was on her third job, she fell in love with her co-worker whom she thought was just being with her because she has money. In the end, it turned out that the guy was just borrowing money from her because he doesn’t want her to get that 1Million threshold and leave town.
Okay, I’m so sorry I’m spoiling the movie. But! Uhm. I’d like to think that the guy in the movie failed to do his best to show the girl how much he loves her, that’s why she ended up leaving him anyway. She felt that she was just being taken for granted. Yeah, I thought that, too. Oh, God. Affected much?
The guy decided to tell her the truth so he rushed to the station but they didn’t meet. The movie ended there. And I was super nabitin, it’s frustrating. I’d like to think that they did meet, though. TeeHee.
You could catch the Japanese Film Festival at the UP Film Institute in UP Diliman. Just visit THIS PAGE for more info. I’d be there again tomorrow and on Saturday, btw. See yah! ;)
(Yay, you read my blog! *HUUGGS*)
Well now then Mardy Bum
I've seen your frown
And it's like looking down the barrel of a gun
And it goes off
And out come all these words
Oh there's a very pleasant side to you
A side I much prefer
It's one that laughs and jokes around
Remember cuddles in the kitchen
Yeah, to get things off the ground
And it was up, up and away
Oh, but it's right hard to remember that
On a day like today when you're all argumentative
And you've got the face on
Well now then Mardy Bum
Oh I'm in trouble again, aren't I
I thought as much
Cause you turned over there
Pulling that silent disappointment face
The one that I can't bear
And yeah I'm sorry I was late
but I missed the train
And then the traffic was a state
And I can't be arsed to carry on in this debate
That reoccurs, oh when you say I don't care
but of course I do, yet I clearly do!
I remember April calling me Mardy because of this song. She says that I reminded her of the song when she first heard it somewhere. Like, this is our theme song already. Lol. I guess she thinks that this song sums up or summed up our relationship. Hahaha. Yeeaaah. Whatever relationship we had/ve…
Therefore, every time I hear this song, it reminds me of April, as well. And I sometimes wonder if I was really like that girl. I have different personality types, anyway. Right, Ken? Hehe. When I heard this song this morning, I thought this really describes me whenever I had fights with someone… In this case, with my boyfriend na lang. Yes, we often argue like that. I never like myself, too, when I’m in my disappointment face. Hehe. Can I just say that I love this song?
Anyway. I said I have many personality types. Well, I confuse even myself sometimes. One minute I’m so happy and then I’d be super irritated the next. With no particular or valid or sensible reason. I know I’m better off with my erratic emotions, but I just can’t disregard them whenever they hit me. I’d think that I could just shake them off and assume a positive vibe, but when I’m on it, I just can’t make those emotions fuck off. WTH. I’d just sort of require whoever I’m with to deal with me, whatever I may be. I can’t deal with them by myself. I’m sorry.
Tuesday, 16 August 2011
I want you to moan...
I want you to gasp in my ear, pretending like you're trying to hide the sound, like you're trying to smother it, but I still hear it.
I want your fingernails to dig into my skin and your lips to move faster and harder and deeper against mine.
I want your eyes to roll back in your head and your body to push into mine, until we're sticking to each other's skin.
I want to feel the heat radiating from your skin,
I want to feel your muscles shake against my flesh.
I want you to beg and
I want you to throw your head back, shuddering for breath.
I want your neck to be exposed for me to bite and your chest to be bare so it can be skin on skin, flesh on flesh.
I want my legs wrapped around you,
I want us to grind on each other so hard it makes your muscles clench and your jaw drop and your face to tense in ecstasy.
** Got this from Tumblr.
I wasn’t prepared so I had nothing to wear. I just decided to wear slacks so as not to get too much attention (and because I’m sure Ken won’t really like it if I showed off). Heehee. I was in all black, by the way.
Since I am too lazy to share everything here, let me just say that the installation turned out nice. It made me miss my orgmates in Baguio, though. Truth be told, I wished it was the Baguio chapter’s installation that I was attending. It’s been more than a year already since I saw them eh. Plus, I know most of the sisses there. And because I am soooo much closer to their chapter than any other DeMolay chapter, I could act more like myself with them. I just miss that… And staying up so late and drinking ‘til I’m drunk during the fellowship. I just miss those things, but don’t mean I want them now. *Ehem*
Anyway, I still had fun. Something happened between my sister Mitzi and the new MC pa. It’s kinda funny but jerk-ish at the same time. Lol. Everything turned out okay in the end, anyway. And Mitzi got her bouquet of flowers earlier. Yay! Now, ain’t that sweet? Sa MC, so much for being apologetic, huh? Hehe. Puppy love… Hahaha. Chos.
If you're one of my contacts in FaceBook, you'd be able to view the photos HERE. Yiehee.
Friday, 12 August 2011
I’ve been through a point where I almost lost everything I valued, everything I wanted, the things I wanted to keep -- or thought I wanted to keep…
I’ve fallen, got up, lifted my chin, and looked straight ahead…
Somehow, I still can’t find my way back. Back where? I'm not even sure where.
It’s so hard; I really don’t know where I’m going.
I’m losing my mind.
I’m expecting a lot from myself that all the people around me are starting to be negatively affected and strained.
Sure, I want more…
But I only want more from no one else but me. I could and would never ask anyone else for something more than what s/he can actually give.
I guess it’s true what they say. That
Only you can make you happy. You choose to be.
Simply be happy.
Which is so goddamn hard, you’d just keep on being sad.
I could never fully satisfy myself. And it always leaves me wanting more.
I feel the need to constantly change my environment,
But I fail to change even a bit about me.
I sorta wanted to control the whole world. Because. But. Unfortunately.
I just couldn’t control myself.
Sunday, 7 August 2011
I never imagined na Someone Like You by Adele yung bagay na kanta for us. For now…
I feel so sad and alone. I miss you :( I never thought na magkakaganito. It feels like the gap between us is starting to widen each day. Why. What happened. Where did we go wrong? Ang sakit lang. You’ve made your choice kasi. And I’m not saying it’s wrong. Whatever makes you happy, game ako. That’s why I really do hope you’re happy. I’m always here lang naman. Grabe.
Saturday, 6 August 2011
I wasn’t behaving properly during the last few days. And by “properly,” I don’t really know what I mean. Lol. It’s just that I’ve been more moody, I got easily irritated, became less interested about going online and staying up late, and kinda wished I were dead. Yuck, so emo. Chos. I felt really really restless, I wanted to sleep for a whole day. I even blamed my period at that time, but when I noticed that the period was already over but I was still my irritable self, just a little bit intensified, I realized there was something else that’s wrong with me…
After eating lunch earlier, I took Paracetamol (I’m allergic to Ibuprofen, btw), and made myself a cup of Nescafé Brown and Creamy (because I love Coco Martin like that). Heehee.
So anyway. It hit me, then. I realized, for the second time, that the reason why I’m having killer headaches is that it’s been a while since I got my caffeine fix. Was it two or three days? Not sure. But I sure missed drinking coffee. I kinda made it a point before that I should be drinking at least a cup a day. I just refused drinking coffee recently because it really doesn’t make me sleep and I sorta needed to get up early during the past mornings.
So I did some research. Again.
I’ve always known, though, that Caffeine, which is commonly found in coffee, is a drug that makes people stay awake and alert. It is actually, "the most widely used psychoactive drug in the world." Caffeine is a low profile drug also found in tea, cocoa, soft drinks, ice cream, chocolate, and some OTC drugs. Caffeine relieves tension headaches by constricting blood vessels. I’ve read that a combination of caffeine beverages and Ibuprofen actually relieves headaches faster and more effectively. I’m a living proof of that. The headache that was killing me for two days already gradually diminished the moment I had my coffee fix.
Wow. I’ve been suffering from terrible headaches because I missed drinking coffee and having my caffeine fix, but the moment I had it, it went away. So, the cause of and cure for this headache is coffee. Just wow. Parang sa love lang. Hahaha. Anyway…
Caffeine intake increases the secretion of norepinephrine, a neurotransmitter that is associated with the so-called fight or flight stress response. Hence, the resemblance of the symptoms of panic attacks. Too much caffeine intake leads to undesirable traits such as anxiety, nervousness, irritability, rapid heartbeat, depression, mood changes, and other psychological and physiological abnormalities. And here I am wondering why I usually wake up in the middle of the night suffering from breathing problems and increased heart rate. So, I now conclude that I’ve been behaving really weird lately mostly because of this caffeine abuse.
Btw, the symptoms of caffeine intoxication include:
Restlessness | Nervousness | Excitement | Insomnia | Flushed face | Diuresis | Gastrointestinal disturbance | Muscle twitching | Talking or thinking in a rambling manner | Tachycardia | Periods of inexhaustibility | Psychomotor agitation | Ringing in the ears or seeing flashes of light
Sad to say, I’ve been through all of that already.
So. Because of what I’ve read about Caffeinism today, I feel like I should stop wanting coffee already. It makes me go crazier and weirder than my usual self. I know it’s gonna be hard. But I don’t have any actual plan of dissing coffee pa naman. I’m still playing with that idea in my mind pa.
Sucks, though. Because I love coffee so much! And Coco Martin for that matter. Hahaha. Yaaaamiiii! ♥
Caffeinism: Symptoms and Remedies of Caffeine Addiction
Thursday, 4 August 2011
I was really really hurt that time. I couldn’t explain the sadness I felt. It is actually the most painful heartbreak I’ve ever experienced in my whole life. I could still vividly remember my younger self, looking up on the sky and imagining my little brother dancing up above in heaven along with the angels of God. The image is so divine; it still brings me to tears.
He was something I desperately wanted to have, but never had. I wanted to be with him, to hug him, and to feel him. I never got the chance to do that. Looking back, I still couldn’t imagine the grief that my mom felt. I forgot what it was for her since I was trapped in my own devastation at that time. I am not yet a mother and I am not sure when I will be, but I am certain that the unbearable pain from losing a child is unexplainable. Maybe it will be like describing the colour pink to a person who was born blind. Unbelievably incomprehensible; no words will be able to describe it.
August 02. It was around four in the afternoon when we received a phone call from the hospital. It was my mom’s friend, who also happened to be a doctor. She was calling to tell my dad that my mom had a miscarriage. I remember myself peeking from our room. My dad was yelling so loud, it was like he could kill anybody with it. I was so scared of what might happen. Apparently, he didn’t know that my mom was pregnant. But I did. There had been a cold war going on inside the house for a few weeks already. Or was it months? They weren’t talking to each other, I kinda suspected a divorce approaching. Chos. Divorce my face. Lol. So anyway, my dad was so mad but he rushed to the hospital anyway. What could he do? It’s her wife and baby. He can’t just ignore them even if he wanted to. But he didn’t, okay.
The hospital did everything they can to save my brother. It was just downright impossible ‘cause his lungs weren’t fully developed yet and there was no way they could save it. He was only eight months at that time. My aunt told me that he was too beautiful to live; he deserves to be in heaven with the other handsome angels whose beauty the earth does not justify.
Today, August 03, is his death anniversary. I feel bad that I don’t know what age he would be right now had he lived, though. But I’ll let you know after I ask my mom.
I remember asking God if my brother could be our angel up in heaven. I was on tears, literally looking up above the sky. Thinking about the things that could have, but didn’t. Until now, I’m not sure who’s to blame. Actually, I’m not sure if someone should be blamed. I guess not. It’s just that sometimes, bad things happen to good people.
Even if I didn’t have the chance to meet him outside of my mom’s womb, hug him, nor be with him, I just wanna say that I love him. And I miss him with all my heart. So yeah, I guess it’s possible to miss someone you never actually met. I miss him with all my heart; I wanna spend some time with him. I love him. He’s something I never had, but couldn’t ever forget.
His name’s Andrei. I like to think that he got the name from me and my lola. Hee ♥