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Tuesday, 29 March 2011

Uncertainty

I just did a hundred jumping jacks and 70 crunches. And I feel sleepy. I learned that mini “exercises” like this kinda revs up the system and releases some kind of hormones that makes you somewhat happy or something that’s similar to being happy. What chemicals, I forgot. Did it make me happy? Uhm... Sort of. Not entirely. Well, I was kinda ecstatic the moment I was finished but then I felt I was sleepy. Maybe that’s just how it works.

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Last night I was talking to the phone with Ken and then I suddenly felt like crying. I don’t know why. But I actually cried. Seems like the tears just started flowing freely and I couldn’t stop them. I felt something… weird. It was like I suddenly became afraid of something that hasn’t actually showed its face yet. Maybe I was afraid of the future. I don’t know. Or I just needed to breathe those tears out.

After fixing myself (I really look ugly after crying), I went downstairs to brush my teeth so that I could finally sleep. I saw my sister doing some kind of project and then I remembered she took the necklace I made without asking for my permission. I just finished making that necklace a few weeks ago and I haven’t had the chance to wear it yet. Naunahan niya pa ko. Grabe. I made a mental note of making some poster saying she should never touch my things ever again. It’s not that I’m madamot like that. I just don’t like lending my things to people knowing that they would never take great care of it. And I know because I’ve already seen them do it. Especially my sister. Whenever she borrows my shoes, I’ll just see each shoe later that day in different places. So anyway, I was nearly yelling when I asked her for the necklace. And since she was doing something, she couldn’t just leave it to get my necklace. See. That’s one trait I don’t also like. “Borrowing” my things without asking me and then not returning them immediately afterwards. It really pisses me off. I called her by different names. I couldn’t help it. I was so mad. After a few minutes, she gave it back and then the string was so tangled, I was fuming. Grabe lang. I hate her.

See. From being sad to the point of crying, I transformed to being soooo mad. I’m unpredicatable like that. I swear. Not to mention na yesterday morning, I was super happy with Ken naman. I feel like I have multiple emotions and I can’t just let it out normally. It’s like they’re all mixed up, they leave me restless. Kaya siguro I feel tired all the time---it’s all because of my tangled/overlapping emotions. Haaaay. I’m chemically imbalanced like that. Whew.

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This afternoon, I asked Gely to accompany me to enrol for summer class. It’s been a while since we saw each other and I broke my multiple promises to go to her house during the past week. So anyway, I asked her to meet me at my house and then we’ll go to my school na. After doing this, we decided to go to her house and then watch a movie. We sort of did that but we can’t decide what movie to watch so we just shared some stories about each other and the people we know. Hehe. After that, at around 5:00PM I told her I had to scoot na ‘cause I’m gonna visit my grandmom who also lives in the area.

When I get there, my aunt greeted me with “Buti na lang dumating ka.” So, I asked her why. She told me that my lola is being makulit again and she’s telling my aunt that they should go home already. Since they’re already at their house naman, my aunt asked her where does my lola think they live ba. And other questions like that. My aunt told me that my lola seems like a child already. And it made me wonder if it’s always like that. When we get old, we eventually act like we were children again. It was like that commonly used Filipino phrase “tumatanda ng paurong.” I guess. It’s sad. And it’s no secret that death is gradually approaching my lola already. She told my aunt about her dreams where she saw her mom asking her to go with her somewhere. And she did. She only decided to come back because she can’t leave my aunt behind :( My other tita actually told my lola last month that if she dreamt about something like that again, she should just go with them and don’t think about us anymore. That we can take care of each other already and that she should just think about her own happiness or whatever. In this case, that happiness is simply going with her mom to wherever place. Tears wanted to flow down my cheeks the moment I heard that. I can’t believe my tita said that. I can’t believe she could say that. I know it was hard. And she was merely trying to accept reality for what it is. That death is really part of life no matter how hard it is to let go. That sooner or later we have to face the fact that the people we love will eventually leave us and choose to be in death’s arms instead.

This talk made me think of the future, of my parents getting old, and me having to take care of them and myself. I don’t know where I’d find myself without them. Though I pride myself on being independent (but not financially, though I think I can look for a job easily), I don’t think I’d ever get used to living without them. I don’t know. I would never be ready for that.

See, my aunt doesn’t have a husband but she has a child, who is my cousin. Duh. She takes care of my lola since no one else could look for her 24/7. Every time I’m with my aunt, she tells me stories about her childhood, their childhood, about my dad, and how their parents treated them when they were just children. And these stories make me love my family more. Although they had some trials like most families have, they also had happy moments that I think were priceless. Her other stories are about her teenage life and how much she enjoyed everything reckless she did then. She told me that she feels that her life is complete already because of the adventures she had during her early adult years. She does not regret anything and she’d probably do those things again. Talk about being contented. And I think it’s good; Not asking for anything else and accepting whatever life throws at you. My aunt tells me a lot of lessons that she knows about life. And I promised I would keep them in mind. Although experience is the best teacher, at least I now have an outline ;)

Monday, 28 March 2011

Mixed Signals And Second Thoughts

I write “fiction” to hide the fact that I felt something so real it had hurt me. I write stories using the third person point of view so I don’t have to claim that I am writing about myself. I write something without using “I” to confuse my readers. I don’t want them to be certain that I was the one in my story. Most of the time these stories are sad, shameful, and full of regrets.

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After reading some blog from 2007, I realized (though I already know) that when people fall in love, they usually feel, think and act about the same things. We do everything to be with the beloved person even if it means hurting another human being subconsciously. We tend to surround ourselves with the beloved even if it’s wrong or even if we were not sure we’d have a hold on them for a long time. There’s no concept of right or wrong when it comes to love, anyway… Most of the time we’re forced to face the options of fighting for the people we love or leaving them alone with their own lives. They’d fight for us if they wanted to be with us, right?

We girls usually think that guys should make the first move. Although we exhale so much hints that we like them, we don’t actually tell them straightforwardly that we like them during the first few days. Or weeks. Or even months. We wait for them to notice our pagpapa-cute and then we pray so hard for them to approach us first. To ask for our numbers and ask us out. We think that they’ll do everything to be a part of our lives. But what about us trying to make more effort to be part of their lives?

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L♥VE. It’s so complicated, you give up trying to understand it. But when the time comes that you’d actually fall in love, you’d start concluding that…

Love is in the eyes of the person you care so much about. It’s the warm feeling that flows in your veins when you see him smile. It’s being happy knowing that he’s happy. It’s kissing him with your eyes closed, smiling in between smooches. It’s the warm feeling you get when you know he got home safely after an amazing day together. It’s cuddling on the couch on a lazy Saturday afternoon. It’s holding him in your arms, consoling him, smoothing out his hair, wishing that time would stop. Then you know you could actually die right then and there, ‘cause you know you already got what you want. Or not yet.

I believe each one of us has their own definition of love. It varies from person to person. The definition, that is. But what we feel when we are in love could all be the same things. Being in love connects us with other people. It’s understanding each other without rationally thinking why we do.

Love is the person we personally love. They’re literally everything we have that we’d die the moment we lose them.

Thursday, 24 March 2011

Then And Now

LEA (January 21 2009)

I love chocolates. A bar could lift up my spirits whenever I’m down.

I know people don’t take me seriously most of the time. Yet I trust them easily. Someone told me I have trust issues, though. Ano ba naman yan.

My patience is kinda mahaba. That’s why people find it quite comfortable to pick on me.

As I come of age, I feel less. LESS. I can’t feel much anymore. Parang wala na ko mashadong pakialam sa mundo at sa mga bagay bagay. Guess I have my own world.

“Yeah, you bleed just to know you’re alive.”

I like physical pain than emotional pain. Who doesn’t? Ugh.

Bakit may mga taong sensitive pero insensitive sa feelings ng iba?
How enough is “ENOUGH?” How will you know when to stop?
When should we take things seriously?
Why does the sun keep on shining? (Lol.)
Why does it hurt?
Why am I so fucking emotional?
Nauubos ba ang luha?

I don’t really like being under the spotlight.

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LEA (March 24 2011)

Then, it was “okay” lang.
But now that I know more, I guess if it happened now, I wouldn’t allow it.

I know it’s from the past na. And people do change.

My stupid self is stupid. I dislike conflicts. I tend to escape from it.
I know I’m very hard to deal with. I can’t even deal with myself sometimes.

I think friends are precious. That’s why I keep as many as possible.
I dunno if that's a good thing. Minsan ang hirap din kasi pag maraming kaibigan. Naiipit tuloy ako minsan. Haha. But I really value favours. I like giving favors, actually. The more people who asks, the more you can possibly get when the time comes that you’ll be needing them.

I love myself. I like looking at myself in the mirror.
Though I know I’m actually faaaar from being perfect, I still love who I am. Flaws and all.

Career Vs Love?
Uhm. I can’t lose my lovelife for a career. And I don’t want a career without the love of my life beside me. But I need to think about my career already. Or I need a job, at least. Ugh. I kinda hate this life.

I’m so tired. Can I give up now?
Oh, I remember the time when I used to say that a lot. I really hope it’ll never come again.

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UHM. I guess that’s it muna for the THEN and NOW.