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Monday, 25 April 2011

Insect-Tease-Sighed

I fucking hate insects. Dammit. Live insects. Some looks good in photos eh. And butterflies are not included.

It’s 05:08 in the morning. My eyes feel so heavy. I’m sitting on the living room sofa, watching Anger Management in HBO. So, why am I not sleeping?

Let me tell you the story.

I was lying on my bed, about to fall asleep at about 40mins ago when I heard my stack of earrings, that hangs on the wall, make a sound. It was like something or somebody touched it. So, I opened my eyes, darted them where my earrings hang, and then saw a horrifying insect about 2 inches long, 2/3 inch wide, with a pair of about 3 inches antennae, and three pairs of thorny legs. EWW!

I don’t want it posted on my blog so I hoped you just follow THIS LINK. That is the closest picture I could find in the internet. Minus the wings. It’s really, really scary, I think it could kill me. OA much? >.< Now, could you imagine how afraid I was?! I’d never be able to sleep tight again knowing that these kinds of bugs lurk inside our bedroom. Aaarrgghh.

And then I rushed to my sister’s bed and waited for the scary insect to fly somewhere near so that I could kill it with the slipper in my hand. Unfortunately, it decided to settle on my lamp. As in directly on the bulb. I figured there was no way I’d be able to defeat it. Or something. And then that was when I decided to just go downstairs. Like watch a movie or something.

So here I am. Sleep deprived, watching Anger Management, and occasionally laughing my ass off because of the movie. *Siiiigghhhh*

I fucking hate insects.

My Future Lies

I do lie, okay. Surprised? :P I never said I was a role model. So… Ugh.

I have an account on Tumblr and I call it My Future Lies. I dunno why exactly I picked that name, but it’s a line in one of my favourite songs from the legendary Elton John. The song is entitled “Goodbye Yellow Brick Road,” and this is the line I was talking about: Oh, I’ve finally decided my future lies beyond the yellow brick road…

(HERE's the link to the song if you'd like to check it out ;))

****

I created a Tumblr account on September 2009. I was thinking so hard for a name to go with the URL when the phrase came to my mind. I remember that when I was in highschool, I often stay up so late thinking about my would-be-excuses whenever I do something bad and/or in case I am caught doing something bad. My future excuses… My future lies. I was never a role model and I don’t think I ever will be. I am not the most praise-worthy girl you’ll ever meet. Never will be. I lie. I cheat (never relationship-wise, though). And I do regret some of the things I’ve done in the past.

When I know I’ve done something wrong, and I feel like no one should ever find out because it might embarrass me and/or ruin my reputation and/or hurt other people, I construct some white lies so that I know what to say if ever I get confronted because of that silly thing I did. If ever I get confronted, I say, because sometimes when you do something terrible, you won’t really tell someone, right? Unless you have too much confidence in that person. And not especially to the person that has something to do with why you are committing a lie. In my case, I think of some white lies to say if ever I get caught in the future, with regards to that wrong action I performed. Hence, my future lies.

Repetitive much? Well, I’m emphasizing a point here.

And please don’t judge me yet.

It is never good to speak of untruthful things, but I cannot say it is entirely bad. The end justifies the means. Right? Uhm… Wait. I know… I know…

I know it’s ideal to hurt someone by telling him/her the painful truth than to hide it from him or her. Well. Uhm… I told you I’m not perfect. It’s just that when you’re sure you’d be at risk when you speak of the truth, you tend to hide it and carry on with a good lie. With no real intention of hurting anybody.

Personally, whenever I decide on my lies, I also think about what it might possibly cause the person I will be lying to. I even think about if they deserve any little part of it. Will it hurt him/her if I didn’t tell the truth? If I were at stake, but no one else will get hurt or disappointed if I pulled off a good lie, then why not do it?

OMG! I am not saying it is okay to lie, kids. It’s just that sometimes we’re really better off with a good lie. If it’s to protect ourselves, to avoid a really bad conflict, to not damage someone else’s innocence, or to save a relationship… Sometimes we are really better off with an honest to goodness lie. If there was such a thing…

Just. Uhm… Make sure you would never ever get caught.

There are times, though, that one doesn’t have to lie but just not tell the truth in all its truthfulness. You wouldn’t have to lie, but you wouldn’t have to speak of the absolute truth neither. It’s all about the sentence structure. What they call syntax. *wink*

I don’t wanna be busted so I won’t give specific examples. But really, more often than not, it’s all about syntax, guys. When you become an expert with regards to this trick, they can’t really say you were lying. Or you lied.

Uh. That’s all I could say for now.

****

I DO NOT encourage lying. I am basically justifying my own actions, but really, if you could always tell the truth to everybody around you, please do so.

And if you think of lying to me, just make sure I would never ever find out. PLEASE. I do not like being lied to. Who the heck does?

Saturday, 16 April 2011

Eleven Minutes (An Excerpt)

From pussylequeer.tumblr.com
"The men she had met since she arrived in Geneva always did everything they could to appear confident, as if they were in perfect control of the world and of their own lives; Maria, however, could see in their eyes that they were afraid of their wife, the feeling of panic that they might not be able to get an erection, that they might not seem manly enough even to the ordinary prostitute whom they were paying for her services. If they went to a shop and didn’t like the shoes they had bought, they would be quite prepared to go back, receipt in hand, and demand a refund. And yet, even though they were paying for some female company, if they didn’t manage to get an erection, they would be too ashamed ever to go back to the same club again because they would assume that all the other women there would know.

‘I’m the one who should feel ashamed for being unable to arouse them, but, no, they always blame themselves.’
To avoid such embarrassments, Maria always tried to put men at their ease, and if someone seemed drunker or more fragile than usual, she would avoid full sex and concentrate instead on caresses and masturbation, which always seemed to please them immensely, absurd though this might seem, since they could perfectly well masturbate on their own.
She had to make sure that they didn’t feel ashamed. These men, so powerful and arrogant at work, constantly having to deal with employees, customers, suppliers, prejudices, secrets, posturings, hypocrisy, fear and oppression, ended their day in a nightclub and they didn’t mind spending three hundred and fifty Swiss francs to stop being themselves for a night.

‘For a night? Now come on, Maria, you’re exaggerating. It’s really only forty-five minutes, and if you allow time for taking off clothes, making some phoney gesture of affection, having a bit of banal conversation and getting dressed again, the amount of time spent actually having sex is about eleven minutes.’
Eleven minutes. The world revolved around something that only took eleven minutes.

And because of those eleven minutes in any one twenty-four-hour day (assuming that they all made love to their wives every day, which is patently absurd and a complete lie) they got married, supported a family, put up with screaming kids, thought up ridiculous excuses to justify getting home late, ogled dozens, if not hundreds of other women with whom they would like to go for a walk around Lake Geneva, bought expensive clothes for themselves and even more expensive clothes for their wives, paid prostitutes to try to give them what they were missing, and thus sustained a vast industry of cosmetics, diet foods, exercise, pornography and power, and yet when they got together with other men, contrary to popular belief, they never talked about women. They talked about jobs, money and sport.

Something was very wrong with civilisation, and it wasn’t the destruction of the Amazon rainforest or the ozone layer, the death of the panda, cigarettes, carcinogenic foodstuffs or prison conditions, as the newspapers would have it.

It was precisely the thing she was working with: sex."

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Please visit the author's blog HERE.
He is one of my favorites, by the way. And I genuinely look up to him... ♥

Hymn to Isis

Isis was one of the ancient goddesses of ancient Egypt, although it is not certain where her origin is. Isis was her Greek name. She was known to the Egyptians as Aset (or Ast, Iset, Uset), which is translated as "female/Queen of throne." However, the exact meaning of her name is still disputed. Her cult was very popular throughout Egypt. # Source

I stumbled upon this hymn, or poem, in Paulo Coelho's book, Eleven Minutes. I believe that I first read it about five years ago... And from that day on, this poem has been one of my favorites. I would just like to share the beauty of it in this blog. Here goes...

****

HYMN TO ISIS

For I am the first and the last
I am the venerated and the despised
I am the prostitute and the saint
I am the wife and the virgin
I am the mother and the daughter
I am the arms of my mother
I am barren and my children are many
I am the married woman and the spinster
I am the woman who gives birth and she
who never procreated
I am the consolation for the pain of birth
I am the wife and the husband
And it was my man who created me
I am the mother of my father
I am the sister of my husband
And he is my rejected son
Always respect me
For I am the shameful and the magnificent one

- 3rd or 4th century BCE, discovered in Nag Hammadi

What We Like, Love, and More!


I got a present from The Boyfriend when I went at their house today. He asked me to open it when I get home later that night. I had no definite idea what it was. Honestly, I expected the usual love letter, only sweeter … *wink* But to my surprise, well, it wasn’t! It was something I never imagined him doing, and getting from him…

So… This was what he gave me today, the 15th day of April 2011, which is also my parent’s 22nd wedding anniversary, Yay! And I really think this is so wonderful :( Dinaig nia pa yung mga bagay na binigay ko sa kanya... In this collage, he put together the things we Über like aside from each other :P

See the statement that says, “I wind up with you?” It has a message underneath that can be seen when you flip it. And I am not gonna reveal here what that message is :P But of course, it is heart-warming and nakakakilig. He keeps on surprising and surprising me. This is art, for art’s sake! I know deep inside that he still has many talents that he hasn’t shown me yet. He never fails to make me scream over and over again. He always titillates me. I know that together, we’d be able to discover a lot about each other’s hidden potential. He really brings out the best in me. And I hope I am doing the same to him.

I love him so much (Isn’t it obvious!!)… I’d never be able to look into another man’s eyes the way I look at his. I already found my greatest love in his eyes, in his heart, through his body. And I’m more than satisfied with all the blessing we share.

Now, this collage will go straight to the wall beside my bed so that it would be the first thing I’d see when I open my eyes every morning, and the last piece I’d look at before I go to sleep. ♥

*Siiiigh* Ako na ata pinakamasayang babae sa mundo… :”>

Thursday, 14 April 2011

Beauty and Adele

So, my siblings and I were contemplating this beautiful picture of Adele, the Heartbreak Superstar according to this particular magazine:




This was the conversation that followed:

Me: Ang ganda talaga ni Adele.
Mitzi: Sino ba yan?
Me: Yung kumanta ng Rolling In The Deep.
Mitzi: Ano yun? Kantahin mo nga...
Me: (Sings) We could have had it all, Rolling in the deep, You had my heart inside of your hand, And you played it to the beat...
Mitzi: Eh diba mataba yun? (Pertaining to the music video)
Me: Oo nga. Pero maganda naman sha diba. Mas maganda pa nga kay Katy Perry. And not because mataba naman, pangit na. It's all in the face.
*Biglang singit si brother*
Warren: Tange. Wala sa mukha yun, nasa personality.
Me & Mitzi: Ikaw na!!

%%%%

And it's true. Being beautiful is not all about the face or the type of your body. I believe what's internal plays a huge factor as well when it comes to defining what is beautiful. I just wasn't able to say it immediately because I was thinking about beauty in the physical aspect; between your body type and the kind of face you have. I admit that it was a shallow way of thinking, but I wasn't trying to be truly sentimental about it. We weren't talking about beauty in general, anyway. Heck, we were talking about Adele. But anyway... Since the topic's already on hand...

"What the fuck is inner beauty?" -- Kristen Stewart

Something Stupid


Girl, calm your whore moans.

Tuesday, 12 April 2011

Last Night: The Look


Why do we girls usually expect a man to know exactly what we’re thinking most of the time? Especially when we don’t like something he’s done unconsciously. I am guilty in that aspect, I admit. Sometimes it’s just so hard to explain why you’re upset that you kinda expect your partner to understand what you feel just by merely giving him “The Look.” And then when they don’t get it immediately, that’s where giving him the cold shoulder starts. And we’re not even trying to pick up a fight.

(Photo courtesy of the movie Last Night)

Last Night: An Affair To Remember


Do you regret not doing it? || I’d regret it more if I did.

* Spoiler Alert

In the movie, Michael (played by the uber handsome Sam Worthington), was asked by Laura (Eva Mendez) if he ever had thought of having an affair. He said no, and that whenever he thought of having one, he thinks about his wife, Joanna (Keira Knightley). When asked if he regrets it, he said he’d regret it more if he did. I liked that line. I like it that he said that. It means he cares a lot about his wife that her happiness and being loyal and faithful to her is more important than a temporary sexcapade. Duh. Of course he should care about what she’d feel. He’s supposed to be with her for the rest of their lives, right? At least he knows that giving into some temptation concerning another woman will only jeopardize his relationship with his wife and that it’s not worth it. And that before he does something, he considers the possible consequences first.

Well, it’s sad and very disappointing that he didn’t control himself much that he wasn’t able to resist Laura’s hotness. Ugh. Well, it’s Eva Mendez! Haha. And it’s not actually all about her appearance. For me, her character in the movie’s really interesting, too. And I don’t think I’d be able to resist her as well… :| (Kidding! :P)

(Photo courtesy of the movie Last Night)

Last Night: The Past, Our Part


"Once you know something like that, you can't unlearn it."

* Spoiler Alert

Joanna said this after Alex’s (her first love) friend asked her why Michael, her husband, does not know about Joanna and Alex’s past. This quote registered in my mind since I think that this bears some truthness in it.

I don’t know what EXACTLY there is about our partner’s past that makes it hard for us to forget once we learn about it, especially a part of the past where another person had something intimate with our beloved. The fact that someone had actually been cozy with our present partner gives us a weird feeling. That’s it: A weird feeling. It kinda makes us disdainful that someone was with our partner already before us. Dapat tayo yung nauna eh. Something like that.

It’s like it’s hard to admit na our partner has already experienced some sweet things with another person than us. It’s hard, but it’s not like you can’t accept it. Hello, para namang may magagawa ka pa. Just grin and bear it… :D

Well, this line from the movie kinda made me wonder if should’ve told Ken everything; everything about the people that became a part of my life. I want to. Kaya ko nga sinabi na lahat. Pero for his sake, dapat ba kinwento ko na lahat? Kasi nga those kinds of things are hard to unlearn. So, I guess it’ll sort of remain with him forever. No matter how… Sad? Painful? Hard to bear? Unforgettable? Pero he has a right t know those things naman diba? Especially if I’d spend the rest of my life with him. So, I think we should just bear those things na lang. Kasi the past will always be a part of us, no matter what. It added to the things that make up who we are. Ayun lang.

So, no matter how painful, how sad, or how hard to suck in something, if we gotta be absolutely honest with someone, I think they have the right to know the things about our ex-loves. I think. Well, that’s what I did.

And the fact that Joanna haven’t told her husband about Alex yet, makes the viewer conclude na she’s not yet completely over him. In my opinion ha, that’s it. And why still keep your ex’s photos hidden between your book?!

(Photo courtesy of the movie Last Night)

Monday, 4 April 2011

Life Is a Piece of Cake

I’m not being dramatic again; I’m merely sharing a story.

%%%%

he hugged her. said he was just checking if she were okay. said I love you, without her actually feeling it. then left.
she was facing the other side of her world. holding back her tears, trying so hard to be in control.
deep inside she was desperately hoping he'd come back.
she badly needed a hug. a hug that should specifically come only from him.
praying, hoping... waiting... needing... desperately wanting that to happen... without any luck.
after a few moments of trying to be in control, the wall that she built around her finally collapsed.
it gave way to succeeding hysterical sobs that left her hopeless. helpless...
out of control. confused. troubled. in a state of panic. anxious. lost.

she watched him longingly as he continued on his path.
wondered if he was crying like she was. she sincerely wished he wasn't.
he didn't even dare to look back. or did she just missed that?
with trembling hands, heavy chest, and non-stop, overflowing teardrops,
she managed to lift her head up above the heavens for inspiration.
to any possible temporary replacement for the inspiration that just left on a bus on the way to 45.
they couldn't stop hurting each other. why? she wondered why...

she stayed on the bench. desperately in need of company.
she decided that anyone who was willing to sit beside her would receive the honor of listening to all her tribulations and heartaches.
well, no one dared. someone passed by and looked her in the eyes.
the passer-by absorbed all the mess that defined her at the moment while she just shook it with a laugh.
another series of glances headed on her way but she didn't move a muscle.
she didn't care. why would she? did they care?
she needed that shamelessness. she couldn't stop crying, heavily.
she knew it was pathetic. it was beyond all modesty. it was a public place, after all. but who cares?
it was never shameful to cry for the one you love.
it was never shameful to cry because of the one you love.
"Emotions are like wild horses." she had to set them free.
or else they'd take control of her whole life. would drag her deeper into insanity.
she wouldn't be able to endure too much suffering anymore.

it did happen. he left her there. alone.
all by herself, in a world full of uncertainty and lost dreams and wandering souls.
she waited for a long moment that never seem to end...
then she stood up from all her hopelessness.
walked her way to the store and purchased her favorite softdrink, wished she was having it hard.
she'd want to eventually throw up every painful thing inside. figuratively.
she took the long walk home to dry her tears and let her eyes recuperate.

she went straight to the fridge,
took something she put there earlier, grabbed a fork,
then headed straight to her bedroom.
she swallowed what he gave her. she almost always does.
it was such a piece of cake.

Sunday, 3 April 2011

Moi

“Don’t bother trying to explain your emotions.
Live everything as intensely as you can and keep whatever you feel as a gift from God.


I was reading Brida by Paulo Coelho then I suddenly realized that I forgot many things about myself and all the other stuffs I used to believe in.

It’s not that I actually changed. I simply forgot what used to be.

Recently, I kept on blaming my hormones, and all the chemicals I have inside me, for the things I feel. I blamed my hormones whenever I become sad for no apparent reason. I thought that I just lack certain chemicals that make me break into tears without knowing why.

Today I realized that I don’t have to understand what I’m feeling and justify everything I feel. I don’t have to be logical about these things because feelings are irrational. Just like our instincts. My hormones and the chemicals that make me up do not actually define who I am. I am because of myself and not because of these fluids, glands, or organisms inside my body.

I feel all emotions I feel not because some chemicals from my brain want me to. I don’t have to explain what I feel because explaining is vastly overrated. I don’t have to make sense about who I am.

Fuck Science. I’m not merely a sum of all the organs that make up my body that is recognizable as a human being. We are more than just appearances. We are more than what we seem like.

I feel everything I feel because I am ME. I have a soul. A spirit that defends my characteristics as a person... I may have lived other lives and set on past adventures that are hidden inside the memory box of my soul. I, myself is an adventure waiting to be discovered through time.

I feel because I am. I feel, therefore I am. I simply am. I AM.

Saturday, 2 April 2011

Off

My hands are shaking
‘cause I’m so close to breaking down.
But I won’t let that happen.
I choose to be numb.
So, nervousness go away. I don’t need you right now.

My heart’s thumping so loud
‘cause I can’t believe I disappointed myself once again.
But I won’t entertain that idea anymore.
I won’t dwell in self-pity.
No, not now.

My chest hurts
‘cause my heart’s thumping so loud.
But I’m disregarding the feeling.
I know I can swallow this.
I’m chasing my breath; it hurts.

My throat’s dry.
‘cause I feel like wanting to cry.
But I won’t give way to tears.
I won’t let my voice break.

So, fuck off.

April Fool’s Extension

I feel like JC on BC in that particular movie.
Hyperbolic, yes. Uhhmm… It upsets me, but I have to pretend that it doesn’t. I know that eventually I don’t have to pretend anymore. It WILL NOT upset me next time. Lol. But it wouldn’t mean I would be okay with it na.

I guess on that aspect, I give up. It’s tiring.

Exhausts me much.

Don’t if you do not want to. Stop if you want. It’s as easy as 1, 2, 3. Yeah. I do care. I just don’t care like THIS anymore, I guess. Whatever. Hah.

I hate repeating myself. It’s starting to become nonsense… whatever I’m saying. People don’t hear me out anyway.

I guess you just have to learn your lesson the hard way. Sad part is, if you waited for that hard way, I’ll be going down with you.

It’s tiring. I sort of don’t want any explanation right now.

Friday, 1 April 2011

Stability Ball

Bakit ba ko nagkekwento in person? So I don’t have to blog about it. Bakit ba ko nagbblog? Kasi I feel like sharing something, and there’s no other way but to write about it. I guess.

Pero kapag nagkekwento ko in person, MINSAN I regret sharing it right after doing so. Minsan kasi it makes me feel like wala naman talagang pakialam yung sinasabihan ko. So, why share it orally? *Sigh*

I’m so sad it’s killing me. This is not the kind of sadness where I feel like crying my heart out. I feel a certain sadness where I refuse to think about anything else. I feel numb. Not that something’s changed in me, it just feels like all emotions I have inside me were blocked by something so strange I don’t know what I should call it, that’s why I’m kinda unsure what to feel, so it just makes me conclude that I’m just sad. Because that’s the simplest way to put it. I am sad. For no particular reason at all. I just feel sad. And I honestly don’t know why. Not that nawala na lahat ng emotions ko, okay? May block lang. But they're all inside me pa naman.

Kanina while I was on the phone, I wanted to be super sweet, cheerful, makulit and all the likes, pero it seems like I don’t have the “energy” to be all that stuff. I just don’t feel like it. Uhhmm… I tried. Pero it’s hard. And I swear I am not good at pretending to be someone I’m not. I don’t know how to pretend like I feel something when I don’t actually feel it. It makes me feel sad; Knowing that I should be okay but I’m not. Or wasn’t. I can’t pretend a happiness I don’t feel. I can’t.

If you look at the big picture, that is my life, I am happy. Generally speaking, I swear, I am happy. I have the love of my life and everything I could ever ask for. Di ko lang maiwasan na sometimes, I feel so down though I can’t think of any reason why. Iniisip ko na lang I am bipolar like that.

And I have no one slash nothing to blame but my hormones and all these chemicals inside me that are so imbalanced.

****

Oh, Ken. I’m so sorry your girlfriend’s emotionally unstable like this… :(