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Friday, 1 April 2011

Stability Ball

Bakit ba ko nagkekwento in person? So I don’t have to blog about it. Bakit ba ko nagbblog? Kasi I feel like sharing something, and there’s no other way but to write about it. I guess.

Pero kapag nagkekwento ko in person, MINSAN I regret sharing it right after doing so. Minsan kasi it makes me feel like wala naman talagang pakialam yung sinasabihan ko. So, why share it orally? *Sigh*

I’m so sad it’s killing me. This is not the kind of sadness where I feel like crying my heart out. I feel a certain sadness where I refuse to think about anything else. I feel numb. Not that something’s changed in me, it just feels like all emotions I have inside me were blocked by something so strange I don’t know what I should call it, that’s why I’m kinda unsure what to feel, so it just makes me conclude that I’m just sad. Because that’s the simplest way to put it. I am sad. For no particular reason at all. I just feel sad. And I honestly don’t know why. Not that nawala na lahat ng emotions ko, okay? May block lang. But they're all inside me pa naman.

Kanina while I was on the phone, I wanted to be super sweet, cheerful, makulit and all the likes, pero it seems like I don’t have the “energy” to be all that stuff. I just don’t feel like it. Uhhmm… I tried. Pero it’s hard. And I swear I am not good at pretending to be someone I’m not. I don’t know how to pretend like I feel something when I don’t actually feel it. It makes me feel sad; Knowing that I should be okay but I’m not. Or wasn’t. I can’t pretend a happiness I don’t feel. I can’t.

If you look at the big picture, that is my life, I am happy. Generally speaking, I swear, I am happy. I have the love of my life and everything I could ever ask for. Di ko lang maiwasan na sometimes, I feel so down though I can’t think of any reason why. Iniisip ko na lang I am bipolar like that.

And I have no one slash nothing to blame but my hormones and all these chemicals inside me that are so imbalanced.

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Oh, Ken. I’m so sorry your girlfriend’s emotionally unstable like this… :(

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