Bakit ba ko nagkekwento in person? So I don’t have to blog about it. Bakit ba ko nagbblog? Kasi I feel like sharing something, and there’s no other way but to write about it. I guess.
Pero kapag nagkekwento ko in person, MINSAN I regret sharing it right after doing so. Minsan kasi it makes me feel like wala naman talagang pakialam yung sinasabihan ko. So, why share it orally? *Sigh*
I’m so sad it’s killing me. This is not the kind of sadness where I feel like crying my heart out. I feel a certain sadness where I refuse to think about anything else. I feel numb. Not that something’s changed in me, it just feels like all emotions I have inside me were blocked by something so strange I don’t know what I should call it, that’s why I’m kinda unsure what to feel, so it just makes me conclude that I’m just sad. Because that’s the simplest way to put it. I am sad. For no particular reason at all. I just feel sad. And I honestly don’t know why. Not that nawala na lahat ng emotions ko, okay? May block lang. But they're all inside me pa naman.
Kanina while I was on the phone, I wanted to be super sweet, cheerful, makulit and all the likes, pero it seems like I don’t have the “energy” to be all that stuff. I just don’t feel like it. Uhhmm… I tried. Pero it’s hard. And I swear I am not good at pretending to be someone I’m not. I don’t know how to pretend like I feel something when I don’t actually feel it. It makes me feel sad; Knowing that I should be okay but I’m not. Or wasn’t. I can’t pretend a happiness I don’t feel. I can’t.
If you look at the big picture, that is my life, I am happy. Generally speaking, I swear, I am happy. I have the love of my life and everything I could ever ask for. Di ko lang maiwasan na sometimes, I feel so down though I can’t think of any reason why. Iniisip ko na lang I am bipolar like that.
And I have no one slash nothing to blame but my hormones and all these chemicals inside me that are so imbalanced.
Oh, Ken. I’m so sorry your girlfriend’s emotionally unstable like this… :(