Sunday, 29 May 2011

An Affliction That's All Mine

Tears. Shameful Cries.
You can’t hide them.
But pretend to, at least.
Courage. Lacking.
You lack courage.
Not being strong enough
to drive all
the fears and worries that eat you up.
You wish you could
bottle them all up.
Every little thing
that burns up
the faith you have inside.
Amidst all the chaos…
and confusion.
Reaching up to the
hopes, lies, promises…
That are left.
Pretense. That’s all there is to survive.
To hide.
And pretend.
That you could be saved.
That you could save…
who means so much to you…
Who made it possible
to give you life.

It can’t be wasted.
You still have so much
to give.


I despise the fact that you’re not strong enough to face this... to handle this… to accept the truth… tell us what to do. And I hate it that we are so alike in that aspect… and a lot more others. I need you to be strong for us. Choose courage. Provide us the strength we need. We can’t handle this without you. It hurts not discussing things. Pretending like nothing sorrowful is about to come.


Such frailty.
I just can’t look you in the eye.
It’s hard for me. I can’t take it.
Such frailty.
It’s destroying us both.


The reason why it was hard for me to see you right now is that I know I won’t be able to look at you with such peacefulness required. I never want you to see in my eyes the burden of the thought --or the fact-- that you’ll be leaving me soon. The weight of the words is very consuming; it’s making me so weak just thinking about them. I can’t take it. Not now. Or ever. I keep on denying it. I keep on denying that what you’ll be presenting us is part of life. It’s eating me up right now. Everything that has passed keeps on coming back. The good memories and the not so good ones. All of them are part of my childhood that I would never ever be able to forget. They are making me remember them with such brevity, recently. And I can’t do anything but cry. I hate myself for crying.

I would never be ready when your time here on Earth’s up...
I would never be able to understand death… and life… for that matter.


I won’t be able to forget the feel of your hand in mine, today. The way you squeeze it every time I say “I love you” makes me look away because of the tears that start to swell up in my eyes. I just can’t look you in the eyes and say that everything will be fine. I don’t feel fine. I am sorry. But still. It really feels good to see you smile despite everything. I tried to sport my best smile, too, and pretend like I’m the most beautiful lady you’ve seen. The way you looked at me actually made me feel like I was an angel. I want your suffering to go away already… But I don’t wanna lose you yet… :((

I love you, Lola. Always. I will always love you.
And take you with me wherever I go. I have your beautiful name, after all.
I love you.

Tuesday, 24 May 2011


Quagmire. That’s my word of the day, by the way.
-- A difficult or precarious situation; a predicament.


“The limits of the universe of your mind and those of the universe of your self rarely coincide. The former has none; the latter defines you.” (Ramoya, 2007, from Live Journal)

I was browsing over my writing journals from the past when I bumped into the quotable quotes I had written down from one of my instructor’s blog site. I remember that during the time when I was reading it, I was so down and depressed and I could totally relate to what the whole blog was about. I even thought that we were so alike in almost every way. Kidding! No fway. Of course, she’s wiser than me, has more life experiences, and she is far more talented in so many ways that I could ever think of. She was my Philosophy teacher, btw.

What I remember most that time was that I realized that whenever someone breaks our hearts, we kinda go through almost the same phases, situations, thought patterns, feelings, etc. Point is, all heartbreaks, in whatever angle you look at it, are usually the same.

Ayoko na magElaborate. Di naman ako heartbroken ngayon. Hehe. I would have shared here the link to that blog site but I kinda lost it when I deactivated my Live Journal account due to personal reasons. Chos. I’ll try to look for it again, though. But I’m not sure if hers was still active. Anyway… It was also because of one of her posts that I decided to read Milan Kundera’s The Unbearable Lightness of Being. The book is super worth it to read. I started to love Milan Kundera because of that. Anyway…. You might wanna check the movie, too. Hehe.

I might share here some of Ms. Ramoya’s quotes, that are my favourite, next time. They just don’t fit me right now since I am so happy and so in love. Heehee.


“Leaving or letting go is not, and never will be, my forte. I’ll hold on to anything as much as I can. Really.”

This time, that quote is from me… :P I saw it on one of my journal page dated May 03, 2010. I think it was supposed to be an opening sentence to a promising entry that didn’t ever happen. Oh, well…

Maybe next time.


Saw this on one of the pages as well. The list is actually long pero ito na lang yung safe eh. Lol. So…

November 2009
Share lang. Medyo cool kasi. In a puzzling way. Hehe..

1. One night, I was thinking why this particular classmate of mine does not wear his blue Superman shirt anymore. It just popped into my mind. I remember thinking that he looked super good in it kasi. Anyway… The next morning, I bumped into him at school, and voila! He was wearing it. It was such a coincident or something.

2. November 24: Kanina I was reading the short story entitled “Chance Traveller” in Blind Willow, Sleeping Woman by my favourite author Haruki Murakami. The book talks about coincidences, chance encounters, etc, and how these things affect our lives. It was said there that everything is revealed to us in such a fashion that really takes our attention in order for it to be recognized. Well, tonight I am reading Milan Kundera’s The Unbearable Lightness of Being and the second chapter exactly talks about chance, too! Yun na yun. Haha.

Neither one of these incidents was anything special. It wasn't like my life turned in a new direction. I was simply struck by the strange coincidences - that things like this do actually happen. (HM)


Uhm. Di ko alam bakit eto title ng post. Haha. Awkward... ;)

Monday, 23 May 2011

Sneaky Sunday

In a supernatural world where my dreams exist and where people I want and don’t want to be with reside, I braced myself and dragged my body away from the burning car. It was a car accident. I ran as fast as I can away from the wreckage, afraid that it might explode any minute.

I could feel the heat of the atmosphere against my skin. The other vehicles were parked at about 10m away from the car that I was riding earlier that was now in flames. I heard some siren wailing. A few people were in some sort of panic.

And then I heard someone call me…

“Ate Ley. Uyy, ate Ley!”

I awoke with a start. Damn. Frowning as I struggled to look at the disturbance of my action-packed dream. It was just my brother. He was telling me that Ken’s outside… I closed my eyes again and lay down. Maybe I could still continue that dream if I slept asap?

BUT. Wait a minute. WHAT. OhMyGod! The love of my life’s outside. On a Sunday morning!

I stood up from my bed and hurriedly put on a more decent top and immediately ran down the stairs. I went to the sink, splashed my face with cold water, and then washed my mouth. I took a look at myself in the mirror and went outside to greet my love “good morning” and led him inside the house.


Clearly, I was more than happy to see him. I didn’t ever imagine that he would drop by my house on that lazy Sunday morning. A few minutes ago, I was just having an interesting dream when someone who is far more interesting decided to pay me a visit. Not to mention that he is the guy I have so much love to give to... It was unusual and very gratifying at the same time since we rarely see each other on a Sunday.

He made that day brighter than the sun. Heehee. He replaced that action-filled nightmare with reality that is full of love, laughter, hugs, and kisses.

It was a perfect way to start the week, really. And I am so excited that we’ll be spending the next days of the week together again. Yey! :D He simply makes everything extra special. He drives bad vibes away and brings all the good vibes and happy moments with him.

He is unmistakably my one and only… ♥

(May 22 2011. And. Oh! Our 8th month together :P)
When the person you love leaves you…
You move on. You start from scratch.
Restart your life. And all the promises and other lies go straight to the trash.
You don’t let that cripple you. You still have many miles to tread.



If forever were substantial,
It would taste like you.
It would smell like you.
And would be visible through your eyes.

If it were materialized into something,
I’m sure it would be you.
You represent the concept that is forever, in my life.

Forever isn’t enough to show you my love.
I may not actually believe in it,
But I believe in you.

Forever is nothing without you.
Forever is you. And me.
This love… Us.

(for HKLY. This may not be my best poem for you... Yet.)

Sunday, 22 May 2011


Sylvia Plath (October 27, 1932 – February 11, 1963) is an American writer whose best-known poems are noted for their personal imagery and intense focus. Sylvia Plath wrote only two books before her suicide at the age of 31. Plath's early poetry was based on then current styles of refined and ironic verse. Plath's Collected Poems (1981), assembled and edited by her husband, Ted Hughes, won a posthumous Pulitzer Prize. Hughes, who explained that he wanted to spare the children further distress, published in 1982 a heavily edited version of her journals. #SOURCE

Here are some of my favourite quotes and poems by her copied from GoodReads:

Mad Girl's Love Song

I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead;
I lift my lids and all is born again.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

The stars go waltzing out in blue and red,
And arbitrary blackness gallops in:
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.

I dreamed that you bewitched me into bed
And sung me moon-struck, kissed me quite insane.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

God topples from the sky, hell's fires fade:
Exit seraphim and Satan's men:
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.

I fancied you'd return the way you said,
But I grow old and I forget your name.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

I should have loved a thunderbird instead;
At least when spring comes they roar back again.
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)



The prince leans to the girl in scarlet heels,
Her green eyes slant, hair flaring in a fan
Of silver as the rondo slows; now reels
Begin on tilted violins to span

The whole revolving tall glass palace hall
Where guests slide gliding into light like wine;
Rose candles flicker on the lilac wall
Reflecting in a million flagons' shine,

And glided couples all in whirling trance
Follow holiday revel begun long since,
Until near twelve the strange girl all at once
Guilt-stricken halts, pales, clings to the prince

As amid the hectic music and cocktail talk
She hears the caustic ticking of the clock.


"And by the way, everything in life is writable about if you have the outgoing guts to do it, and the imagination to improvise. The worst enemy to creativity is self-doubt."

"Some things are hard to write about. After something happens to you, you go to write it down, and either you over dramatize it, or underplay it, exaggerate the wrong parts or ignore the important ones. At any rate, you never write it quite the way you want to."

"Perhaps when we find ourselves wanting everything, it is because we are dangerously close to wanting nothing."

"Remember, remember, this is now, and now, and now. Live it, feel it, cling to it. I want to become acutely aware of all I’ve taken for granted."

"Is there no way out of the mind?"

"And when at last you find someone to whom you feel you can pour out your soul, you stop in shock at the words you utter— they are so rusty, so ugly, so meaningless and feeble from being kept in the small cramped dark inside you so long."

"I lean to you, numb as a fossil. Tell me I'm here."

"I didn’t want my picture taken because I was going to cry. I didn’t know why I was going to cry, but I knew that if anybody spoke to me or looked at me too closely the tears would fly out of my eyes and the sobs would fly out of my throat and I’d cry for a week. I could feel the tears brimming and sloshing in me like water in a glass that is unsteady and too full."

"I write only because
There is a voice within me
That will not be still."

"So much working, reading, thinking, living to do! A lifetime is not long enough."

"I guess I should have reacted the way most of the other girls were, but I couldn't get myself to react. I felt very still and very empty, the way the eye of a tornado must feel, moving dully along in the middle of the surrounding hullabaloo."

"I wonder about all the roads not taken and am moved to quote Frost...but won't. It is sad to be able only to mouth other poets. I want someone to mouth me."

"Oh, something is there, waiting for me. Perhaps someday the revelation will burst upon me and I will see the other side of this monumental grotesque joke. And then I’ll laugh. And then I’ll know what life is."

"So many people are shut up tight inside themselves like boxes, yet they would open up, unfolding quite wonderfully, if only you were interested in them."

"I inhabit the wax image of myself, a doll's body. Sickness begins here; I am a dartboard for witches."

"This woman lawyer said the best men wanted to be pure for their wives, and even if they weren't pure, they wanted to be the ones to teach their wives about sex. Of course they would try to persuade a girl to have sex and say they would marry her later, but as soon as she gave in, they would lose all respect for her and start saying that if she did that with them she would do that with other men and they would end up by making her life miserable."


The Unabridged Journals of Sylvia Plath

"I have the choice of being constantly active and happy or introspectively passive and sad. Or I can go mad by ricocheting in between."

"I like people too much or not at all. I've got to go down deep, to fall into people, to really know them."

"I don’t care about anyone, and the feeling is quite obviously mutual."

"I love people. Everybody. I love them, I think, as a stamp collector loves his collection. Every story, every incident, every bit of conversation is raw material for me. My love's not impersonal yet not wholly subjective either. I would like to be everyone, a cripple, a dying man, a whore, and then come back to write about my thoughts, my emotions, as that person. But I am not omniscient. I have to live my life, and it is the only one I'll ever have. And you cannot regard your own life with objective curiosity all the time..."

"If I didn't think, I'd be much happier; if I didn't have any sex organs, I wouldn't waver on the brink of nervous emotion and tears all the time. "

"With me, the present is forever, and forever is always shifting, flowing, melting. This second is life. And when it is gone it is dead. But you can't start over with each new second. You have to judge by what is dead. It's like quicksand... hopeless from the start. "

"Now I know what loneliness is, I think. Momentary loneliness, anyway. It comes from a vague core of the self - - like a disease of the blood, dispersed throughout the body so that one cannot locate the matrix, the spot of contagion."

"My world falls apart, crumbles, “The centre cannot hold.” There is no integrating force, only the naked fear, the urge of self-preservation. I am afraid. I am not solid, but hollow. I feel behind my eyes a numb, paralysed cavern, a pit of hell, a mimicking nothingness. I never thought. I never wrote, I never suffered. I want to kill myself, to escape from responsibility, to crawl back abjectly into the womb. I do not know who I am, where I am going—and I am the one who has to decide the answers to these hideous questions. I long for a noble escape from freedom—I am weak, tired, in revolt from the strong constructive humanitarian faith which presupposes a healthy, active intellect and will. There is nowhere to go."


The Journals of Sylvia Plath

"Can you understand? Someone, somewhere, can you understand me a little, love me a little? For all my despair, for all my ideals, for all that - I love life. But it is hard, and I have so much - so very much to learn."

"I want to write because I have the urge to excel in one medium of translation and expression of life. I can't be satisfied with the colossal job of merely living. Oh, no, I must order life in sonnets and sestinas and provide a verbal reflector for my 60-watt lighted head."


The Bell Jar

"We'll act as if all this were a bad dream."

A bad dream.

To the person in the bell jar, blank and stopped as a dead baby, the world itself is the bad dream.

A bad dream.

I remembered everything.

I remembered the cadavers and Doreen and the story of the fig tree and Marco's diamond and the sailor on the Common and Doctor Gordon's wall-eyed nurse and the broken thermometers and the Negro with his two kinds of beans and the twenty pounds I gained on insulin and the rock that bulged between sky and sea like a gray skull.

Maybe forgetfulness, like a kind snow, would numb and cover them.

But they were part of me. They were my landscape."


"Life has been some combination of fairy-tale coincidence and joie de vivre and shocks of beauty together with some hurtful self-questioning."

"I didn’t want any flowers, I only wanted
to lie with my hands turned up and be utterly empty.
How free it is, you have no idea how free."

"Let me live, love and say it well in good sentences."

"I don't know how long I kept at it...
I felt reasonably safe, stretched out on the floor, and lay quite still.
It didn't seem to be summer anymore."

"The silence depressed me. It wasn't the silence of silence. It was my own silence."

"If neurotic is wanting two mutually exclusive things at one and the same time, then I'm neurotic as hell. I'll be flying back and forth between one mutually exclusive thing and another for the rest of my days."

"But when it came right down to it, the skin of my wrist looked so white and defenceless that I couldn't do it. It was as if what I wanted to kill wasn't in that skin or the thin blue pulse that jumped under my thumb, but somewhere else, deeper, more secret, and a whole lot harder to get."

"I felt dumb and subdued. Every time I tried to concentrate, my mind glided off, like a skater, into a large empty space, and pirouetted there, absently."

"I wondered why I couldn't go the whole way doing what I should any more. This made me sad and tired. Then I wondered why I couldn't go the whole way doing what I shouldn't, the way Doreen did, and this made me even sadder and more tired."

"In a rabbit-fear I may hurl myself under the wheels of the car because the lights terrify me, and under the dark blind death of wheels I will be safe. I am very tired, very banal, very confused. I do not know who I am tonight. I wanted to walk until I dropped and not complete the inevitable circle of coming home."

"I didn't know why I was going to cry, but I knew that if anybody spoke to me or looked at me too closely the tears would fly out of my eyes and the sobs would fly out of my throat and I'd cry for a week. I could feel the tears brimming and sloshing in me like water in a glass that is unsteady or too full."


Ariel: The Restored Edition: A Facsimile of Plath's Manuscript, Reinstating Her Original Selection and Arrangement

"If the moon smiled, she would resemble you.
You leave the same impression
Of something beautiful, but annihilating."

"People or stars
Regard me sadly, I disappoint them."

"And I a smiling woman. I am only thirty. And like the cat I have nine times to die."

Thursday, 19 May 2011

0519 Blah

What is it about the past that makes people so hard to forgive… and forget? Everybody has one. And at one point in our lives we may have come across an alley that is so dark we can’t deny we’ve been there.


I like Demi Lovato now that she has already stopped pretending. I realized now why I hate her before. May be I noticed that she wasn’t being true to herself. But now that she’d come out and accepted everything that she is, I think I’m starting to love her.

Hehehe. Anyway…

1235AM. I am so sad, I can’t explain what I actually feel. Well, there’s this heavy feeling inside my chest that won’t go away no matter how I sighed HEAVILY.

It just simply fucking hurts…
It hurts being in the wrong because of something that’s not entirely wrong.
I have no excuse for my past actions. I never regret them.
I won’t say sorry for how I am behaving in the present.
And I know I will never have any alibi for my future actions as well.
Whatever they may be…
I love who I was. I love who I am. No matter how deranged I appear.
And I will always love myself.

I’ve never hurt someone on purpose. Never. Not even in my wildest dreams.

(Oh. There are too many I’s in this note. Self-centred much?)

Monday, 16 May 2011

THIS: Chapter 1


She was stunned when she saw the new addition to the class. She looked at James’ direction and noted that he was staring back at her. Puzzled. Or was he also thrilled? He must be thinking the same thing. It was clear in his eyes. Or so she thought. Like Careen, he noticed that the girl look exactly like someone he and she were used to being around. The newcomer met his gaze then smiled instantly. James is no doubt the best-looking person in the room. He returned the gesture then looked down at the book on his desk to organize his thoughts. Could she be the girl they swore to forget? Was he mistaken when he thought that Careen must have been thinking the same thing? He decided to speak to his best friend later. Careen was caught off guard when she noticed the exchange of smiles. She was excited for a minute before worry finally took over. This can’t be happening, she said to herself.

They met at the cafeteria by lunchtime. The two of them only share four courses out of seven and only two of those are taken for the day. Psychology 140, with the course title Personality, is scheduled first thing in the morning at eight o’clock. Careen’s second class, right before lunchtime, would be an Introduction to Logic while James’ is Math 100. The next class for the day that they were classmates would be Speech. A rumour about them having a romantic relationship is starting to spread. James never thought of Careen as more than a reliable friend. His best-est friend. Sure, they have been through tough times together and have known each other since childhood, but he can never look at her in a more than casual manner. He believes that Careen have the same idea in mind. They sat at their favourite spot by the window overlooking the small park. Children of varied ages are playing near the pond while their mothers or guardians are watching them from the mat-covered grass. It’s a Saturday and most people are out for a picnic with their families. For Careen, it’s a good thing that their school is located near a park. She likes being surrounded by many people now. Not that they have to care about her or something. She lets time pass by just observing them and managing her thoughts, minding the things that make her world turn at the moment. She and James were sitting there for almost a quarter of an hour now.

She decided to break the silence. “Could she be who I think she is?”

James looked up at her from the cup of coffee in his hands. “So, you are indeed thinking the same thing about her huh?” They were looking deeply in each other’s eyes, lost in their own thoughts, when he finally said, “Yes. I think she could be your sister. They never found a body right?”

That was entirely the farthest thing from what she wanted to hear.


Time passed quickly. She had spent nine hours in school and now she’s home. She still couldn’t believe whom she saw in school today. It was her sister. No doubt. She looks exactly like Camilla. Only sweeter. She looked really stunning when she stood there in front of the class. The new girl in school, who was introduced as Janine, is far more polished than what Careen’s sister would be if only she had lived with their family. She went straight into her room to check the pictures of Camilla that she have. Since she disappeared, Careen never looked at those pictures until now.

Careen had trouble sleeping that night. She always had a problem getting sleep quickly but still she felt that it was the longest night in her entire life. She was thinking so much about that girl Janine and her huge resemblance to Careen’s dear sister Camilla. She wondered if James might be feeling the same thing. After all, he is considered a part of their family and they have known each other since childhood. As Careen looked in the mirror that night, the smiles that had taken place between Janine and James early this morning crossed her mind. She knows how much James loved or still loves her sister. Now that Camilla might be alive in Janine’s facade, they would look good together.

It would be alright if only Careen does not love him and did not swear that she would love no one else.
Being recklessly in love is reckless. Well, duh! Redundant much?
It’s such a risk that’s really kinda hard to take. But you wouldn’t always actually think about falling in love, right? You just do. And before you know it, you really are deeply in love with someone already.
It’s dangerous. It could be unstable. It hurts most of the time it sucks.

Sometimes you’d start to wonder if you’d rather be in the comfort zone…If you’d rather be on the sidewalk where it’s safer… If you should take things in the neutral manner instead…

No extreme highs, no ultimate lows. Just in between... Where nothing hurts… But there is no pleasure either.

Saturday, 14 May 2011

In other news…

It was his birthday, May 05. They spent it together. She was ecstatic since it was the first time someone ever told her he wants to spend his birthday with her. They definitely had a blast; though it was so hot outside… :P

She felt like it was HER birthday, not his.
She hoped he enjoyed it as much as she did.

♥ ♥ ♥
I don’t know if it still mattered.
I’m not sure if I wanted to know.
I can’t bring myself to ask. Ever.

Yun lang.

Sunday, 8 May 2011

Random Musings

* It’s not as if you’ve known each other for years. Or months. For that matter. Yeah, I’m kinda jelly. Sux.
* I kinda hate you when we’re not together. And I don’t know why. It’s like I’m a different person when I’m not with you.
* Sometimes even when you want something so bad, you’re too shy to ask for it, or even mention it, because you know you’re just being selfish.


What I love about talking to myself in the mirror is that:
1. I get to listen to my sweet voice. Lol. More of my paCute voice. Heehee.
2. I am able to observe the way I make my facial expressions; how my lips and cheek muscles move, how my eyes and eyebrows twitch, and the way each dimple (or line. haha) appear around the corners of my mouth.
3. I get to know what I want.

Talking to yourself is like explaining to your self some ideas that you’re not sure if you actually understand. Sometimes it’s like trying so hard to explain something to someone. Like what they say, it’s easier to understand something by trying to explain it to others. Why not do it to yourself?


I confuse myself lately. I often laugh at something without realizing it. I’d just wonder why I did after I let out that heartfelt laugh. Is something wrong with me?


I couldn’t believe it’s possible to feel so safe inside someone’s arms. And to hold that someone in your arms and be able to say that you finally know what your reason for living is.

…to look at another human being, thank God, and contemplate how blessed you are for loving him and for being loved in return…

I can’t believe we’re so in love. *Siiiigh*


I’m already 21 but I feel like 17. Crap. Really. Sometimes I feel like I refuse to grow up and face things that a typical 21-year-old female should be facing. Grrrr.

Well, that’s it for now. I feel so uninspired. Will be working about it. Soon.

Sunday, 1 May 2011

0501 Blah

Was supposed to meet Nico (the brod) at 2pm earlier today, then visit the other brods from the AAF Chapter here in QC.

Kaya lang ang init. I have no money. And my nails are dirrrrty. I wasn’t able to put on a new shade of polish yet.

And I kinda hate the world today. Kasi ang init. At wala akong pera. Inaantok pa ko. I feel so restless. KakaWorkOut kahapon, I guess. I’ve been trying so hard to follow the routines on the 10min Pilates workout blah on YouTube. Ang hirap lang. Nakamamatay, I swear. On the bright side, I’m kinda relieved I had my period today, though. Heehee.

Maroon Five is again on loop on my player. I’ve already come to terms with the fact that I won’t be able to watch their concert in Manila on May23. But regret hasn’t greeted me yet. Siguro right after na lang nung concert nila. Dun na ko magsisisi na di ko pinanuod/napanuod. Ghad. I hate this life. Sort of. Kind of. But not really.

There are more things to be thankful for, in this life… So. Anyhooo.

Uhm. I guess this is the part where I would complain about the lack of direction of my life. Blah blah blah. I have to go job-hunting na. I swear. I need moooneeey.


Lies. Lies. Lies. I hate liars. That’s why I hate myself. Sometimes. Ugh!