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Sunday, 29 May 2011

An Affliction That's All Mine

Weakness.
Tears. Shameful Cries.
Shameful?
You can’t hide them.
But pretend to, at least.
Courage. Lacking.
You lack courage.
Not being strong enough
to drive all
the fears and worries that eat you up.
You wish you could
bottle them all up.
Every little thing
that burns up
the faith you have inside.
Amidst all the chaos…
Uncertainty,
and confusion.
Reaching up to the
hopes, lies, promises…
That are left.
Pretense. That’s all there is to survive.
To hide.
And pretend.
Pray…
That you could be saved.
That you could save…
Someone
who means so much to you…
Who made it possible
to give you life.

It can’t be wasted.
You still have so much
to give.

****

I despise the fact that you’re not strong enough to face this... to handle this… to accept the truth… tell us what to do. And I hate it that we are so alike in that aspect… and a lot more others. I need you to be strong for us. Choose courage. Provide us the strength we need. We can’t handle this without you. It hurts not discussing things. Pretending like nothing sorrowful is about to come.

****

Such frailty.
I just can’t look you in the eye.
It’s hard for me. I can’t take it.
Such frailty.
It’s destroying us both.

****

The reason why it was hard for me to see you right now is that I know I won’t be able to look at you with such peacefulness required. I never want you to see in my eyes the burden of the thought --or the fact-- that you’ll be leaving me soon. The weight of the words is very consuming; it’s making me so weak just thinking about them. I can’t take it. Not now. Or ever. I keep on denying it. I keep on denying that what you’ll be presenting us is part of life. It’s eating me up right now. Everything that has passed keeps on coming back. The good memories and the not so good ones. All of them are part of my childhood that I would never ever be able to forget. They are making me remember them with such brevity, recently. And I can’t do anything but cry. I hate myself for crying.

I would never be ready when your time here on Earth’s up...
I would never be able to understand death… and life… for that matter.

****

I won’t be able to forget the feel of your hand in mine, today. The way you squeeze it every time I say “I love you” makes me look away because of the tears that start to swell up in my eyes. I just can’t look you in the eyes and say that everything will be fine. I don’t feel fine. I am sorry. But still. It really feels good to see you smile despite everything. I tried to sport my best smile, too, and pretend like I’m the most beautiful lady you’ve seen. The way you looked at me actually made me feel like I was an angel. I want your suffering to go away already… But I don’t wanna lose you yet… :((

I love you, Lola. Always. I will always love you.
And take you with me wherever I go. I have your beautiful name, after all.
I love you.

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