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Monday, 27 June 2011

Breaking Do/awn

“I hate the feeling when you know you’re going to cry. Your lips quiver, your heart pounds, your eyes sting. Your face clenches up, and then the tears start to fall. You can’t stop them no matter how hard you try. And it’s not little tears that slide down your cheeks, it’s big tears that make your eyes red and puffy, your face tear-stained and your body heave. You can’t stop the tears, and as you lie on your bed alone, you think of what you could have possibly done to stop the pain. Stop the suffering. Stop this, stop what you’re going through. But there’s nothing you can do, nothing anyone can say. It’s the kind of tears and pain that need to be cried out, not talked out. And you know you’re hurting the people you love, but you can’t help it. And sometimes, you just don’t care…”

Why do I feel like I wrote the note above? It’s so accurate; it has everything I ever want to say about breaking down. Every time I cry, I always remind myself that I would write about it, about how it usually starts, and what it physically does to your whole face and body. But it’s not that easy to describe. You have to actually feel it to be able to write about it coherently. Still, I can’t. I guess I’m not that good at writing, yet. Oh, well. But when I saw this on Tumblr, I felt like this was actually written for me, or that I wrote it myself. It’s so accurate; those feelings described there are what I EXACTLY feel when I cry.

****

Stop bullshitting me, people. I don’t really care about anybody but myself right now.
Chos. I’m not claiming I know everything, but I really know how to read people. I can see right through you, bitches. I may know about you more than you know yourself. Sucks, right? Well, I was born this way. MyGod.

I’ve seen this kind of situation before (involving my ex-housemates). I even blogged about it on Live Journal. Too bad, I deleted that account already. I know my life isn’t perfect and I have no absolute right to tell anybody what to do and feel regarding his or her life problems. I just can’t help seeing anybody get hurt. Especially the people I love. I tried protecting them from stuff, but in the end, they still do the destructive things they do. I just end up telling them, “You should have listened to me, I told you so.” Yeah, I’m psychic like that.

I know feelings are fluid. They can instantly change without you realizing it. One moment you’re so high, and then the next thing you know you’ve already hit rock bottom. I, myself, am made up of different moods that randomly show their faces without my knowledge. Yes, I’m kinda fucked-up in the head. Whatever. I can be very sensitive at times. Then I act like I don’t care about the whole world. Sometimes I feel like I can be the hero that everyone’s waiting for. I feel like I could save everybody from all their hardships. But I can’t even save me from myself. I hurt my belly from laughing so hard, and then a few minutes later I’d just feel my eyes sting.

I kinda hate people who want to me out but never actually listen to what I say. That’s simply pointless, like this post.

AnglabopaAnobanamanyan.

Thursday, 23 June 2011

0623 Blah

This is my Emo post for June.

Ang sakit ng ulo ko, tinatamad ako magEnglish. Anyway. Ang sakit ng ulo ko. I woke up around 2pm na eh. Maybe that’s why. And some shit’s happening in my life right now. And I don’t wanna deal with it. Ever. I just want to lie down in foetal position and cry.

I am so close to wanting to die again. Chos. //wrist. I feel so empty and alone. I want to runaway with myself, by myself. This is one of those days when I don’t wanna interact with anybody. I just want to sleep all day. I was kinda praying last night na sana di na ko magising. I need a loooong sleep. Kahit tatlong araw.

How could I ever deal with life when there are mornings that I wish didn’t exist. Nakakatamad na buhay. Ay apo.

Monday, 20 June 2011

KattLeya


(This is one of my favorite pictures of her kasi I took this. Hehe. You'll always be my little girl.. :P)

So... How would I ever start talking about Katrine Mae Bernadas?

Uhm. Uh… Ang hirap. This girl’s a combination of every special and weird thing in the world. Describing her in one word, one paragraph, or one page will never give justice to what she really is in real life. Hehe.

I would have wanted to share here the story of how we met. Kaya lang nakalimutan ko na yung specific detail. Hahaha. Basta she was my bloc mate in college at UP Baguio and she was the bloc head. What I remember is that I didn’t like her instantly. I was sort of irritated with her pa nga because she seemed so maligalig than what I would have liked. I realized later on na she’s the kind of girl I somehow want to be. I admire her strength, her ability to understand others, and her capability to give huge amounts of love without really asking for anything in return. She’s too good to be true.

She is always nice to everybody. I remember being irritated, again, due to this one time when she was being extra nice to this person I don’t actually like. Like, “Why are you trying to be friends with that person? I don’t like her!” But I didn’t tell her that. She’s free to make friends with anyone she likes naman eh. I was kinda jealous lang that time. Kasi having many friends mean less time for me. And I am soooo possessive like that. Hehehe. At wala akong someone nun so I needed her as my girlfriend. Waha.

Like most relationships, of course we had our ups and downs. I think we had more exchanges of silent treatment than any other mag-bestfriends have. I even wondered once if we were really just friends ‘cause I was starting to look at her as a lover na. HAHAHA. Kidding! Pero I considered that ah. Oh, God. Whooo. Confessions galore. Uhhmmn… Okay, don’t take that seriously.

We had two (or was it three?) MAJOR away already. We didn’t spank each other or pulled each other’s hair. Di lang kami nagpapansinan ng maataagaaaal na panahon. I tried making lambing and everything pero wala talaga. Mas ginusto niya atang umiyak or ayaw niya na talaga ko makasama >.< We’re emo like that. But I am proud to say that we braved these storms. We love each other so much that’s why we set aside these tribulations and continue being bestfuckingfriends. And I am so happy that I still have her in my life.

Anyway. I think what led to these away was my desire to place everything to where I wanted them. I wanted the things and people around me to be what I wanted them to be. I unconsciously tried controlling her. But Kat can’t be controlled kasi she’s a wild girl at heart. Hehe. And birds of the same feather flock together. Bow.

After the difficulties we encountered, I realized I can’t tell her who she should be. I was just her bestfriend. She has her own life and there’s no way I could tell her what to do. I could only give her my advice and opinions. And that was what I did in the end. She always listened to me naman. She always did her best to hear me out. And I love the fact that what I had to say was very important to her. She made me feel so special, so important, and so needed. She made my birthdays extra special. There was always a surprise birthday party for me. At gastos nia ah. Makapanlibre lang… :P Haha. And I am so, so, so, very thankful for those times.

She genuinely knows how to treat people the way they want to be treated that’s why they stick with her. She has the ability to make you feel special and loved. She was also a sweet roommate/housemate, btw. I loved it when she used to wake me up every morning ‘cause she prepared breakfast for us. Most of the time, whatever’s on the table is my favourite. Ugh. That’s why I love her so much. She always makes me happy. She would lay down on my bed and try to rouse me with her sweet voice. She’d greet me good morning and ask me to rise and shine ‘cause the food’s ready na. I kinda felt like a princess when we were living together. Hee ♥ I really really hope na I made her feel that way as well.

She deserves more than what I gave her. I just want her to be soooo happy. I even told her na if I were a guy, I would do everything to make her mine. It would be my goal in life to make her more than happy. She deserves that. Too bad, we’re just meant to be BESTFRIENDS. Forever and ever. And it’s one of my duties to make her happy.

She is someone I wouldn’t allow myself to lose. She’s a precious human being and I would hurt anyone who hurts her. Even myself… OhYeah. She’s more than a sister, a lover, a bestfriend. I see parts of myself in her and those parts will never be erased. It would remain with us forever.

Kat, my BFF. My sweet little thing. The one person I miss hugging…
HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY BIRTHDAY, My Dear! *Yaakaaaap* I miss you so very much. I miss US… >:(

Friday, 17 June 2011

June 03 2011

June 03

It was about two hours past noon when my parents decided to check on my lola at her house that’s one jeep away from ours. I remember being sort of mad with my mom about some issue that was probably about my studies, or whatever. I was surfing the net when Bea, my sister, suddenly came downstairs from our bedroom. The irony of it was that she was beaming. She told us the news that shattered a small part of ourselves. My lola just died. And although a million things were going on inside my mind, I continued Facebook-ing. I grabbed my phone and read the same message from my mom. My lola was already dead, so we should get ready ‘cause my parents would fetch us anytime.

I remember not crying immediately upon hearing the news. None of my siblings did. Maybe we were still absorbing the fact. Denying it. Telling ourselves, we already knew this would happen. Thinking about what just happened and what else would come. Everyone was already waiting for it, but was hesitant to accept the fact. Personally, I was already anticipating her death. I even blogged about it here. The news was depressing. We just had to console each other and believe that she wonderfully lived her 86 years. Inay, my grandmother… The one I got my name from… She did have a great life.

%%%%

The night of her death, we were at St. Peter, Quezon Ave and while waiting for her body, we listened to my tita Lucy as she told us about my lola’s last minutes on Earth. No one was crying. We had our straight faces on and our tsk-tsk expressions. We were grieving but no one was strong enough to shed tears at that moment.

I was there with my mom, four siblings, two cousins, and two aunts. We, the “kids,” were even joking around and were even taking each other’s photos in stupid poses. It wasn’t like someone has just died. It was like we hadn’t come to terms with the fact, yet.

A few hours have passed and my lola, in her coffin, had been taken to her room in St. Peter, at last. Everyone grew quiet. It was as if the concept that we were so dreaded to face had finally shot itself in our direction, so we couldn’t do anything anymore. When the staff from St. Peter has finally arranged her into place, no one seemed to want to look down at her coffin. For the record, on that night, I didn’t dare look at it. I wasn’t scared. I was just so sure I’d cry a river if I did. So I waited for a few more days.

I couldn’t remember now who looked at her first. Maybe it was my mom, or one of my aunts. What I remember the most was that my cousin, KC, was silently crying, and I couldn’t help it, I was sure I’d cry, too. I hate seeing someone cry. Makes me want to cry so bad as well. And the sorrow inside the room was hard to bear so I went outside. My brother and KC’s brother followed me. We just sat outside, grief-stricken but were unable to shed tears. I didn’t want to cry. I was thinking that I had to be strong for the others. I could cry by myself later.

So, that was what I did. The moment we got home, I washed my body instantly and then went to our room to lie down on my comfortable bed and cry my heart out. I couldn’t help thinking about me and my lola’s precious moments together. She was with me during my childhood. I remember her watching telenovelas, latin tv series, and prime time shows while I was busy playing with my toys. I remember her sitting on the front porch, fanning herself. I remember how she’d get mad at me whenever I do something unfavourable. And that my way of getting back at her was by stealing chocolate bars in her mini store. She seldom gets angry. She was always nice to people. I don’t remember anyone being mad at her. She was a woman with few words, big loving heart, and fervent spirit. And I probably inherited those traits from her. Heehee.

The night that she died, I remember I cried, and cried, and cried until I fell asleep.

Thursday, 2 June 2011

Press Esc

This entry is so emo, you wouldn’t want to read it.

xxxx


Praying was your last option. You asked the lord to give you the strength to slide that cutter down your wrist. You were not planning to kill yourself. You just wanted to feel something. Or forget something. Well, you could. It’s in your hands.

“Come what may,” you told yourself. As you pulled it down, metal to flesh, you actually heard it cut your skin. You felt the stinging pain… the burning sensation.

But. Whatever. To your surprise, it kinda felt good. It didn’t really hurt that much. You settled on your bed, contemplating on the pain… The pain that was... Burning. Stinging. Throbbing. You raised your hand then licked the wound as your blood trickled down. You had a taste on victory. It wasn’t actually sweet. Nor bitter. It was just right.

Whatever pain you were feeling earlier was materialized. You saw it, felt it, and even tasted it. You almost forgot your point of self-mutilation.

You felt good... Relaxed… You were in another realm. Wanderlust. Every damn thing that concerned you moments ago felt like a dream.

Who is he, anyway?


xxxx

I do not encourage slashing, cutting, self-harm or whatever. This is just an anecdote I made. And please take note that this isn’t REALLY about me. I’ve been through that stage, true... Okay. Enough said. I respect everyone’s opinion about the topic, okay. No one has the right to judge anybody, anyway. We’re the only one who knows the extent of our own suffering… So.

Idk. Just let me be.
I don’t talk with words. I speak with actions.
And all my movements talk about you.
All the perfect moments that stick with you,
they become memories and you can’t just dust them off…
Because they stick like cigarette smell on your clothes.
It lingers in the air just like my favourite perfume,
and drags me to bed like the invisible thread of sleep.
There’s no escaping the feeling; it’s excessively obvious.
It’s like sunbeam trying to conceal itself in the middle of summer
at noon.

(November 15 2010 @ McDonald's : 0425PM)

The Truth behind That Fateful Day of May 2010

It was almost the end of May 2010 and classes would soon start. I had myself enrolled at the UP Open University and was very hopeful that things would turn out positively for me regarding my academic life. This was another turning point in my life and I was very serious about making things work properly for me.

I was getting dressed on that Saturday morning for the orientation for the new students of my new school and I swear to God I was really nervous. I even asked my best friend to accompany me since I felt like I would just fret, whine, and be depressed about the whole thing. After all, it was due to my laziness and irresponsibility that I transferred to another UP unit.

I decided to put on a white shirt, black jeans, and my black chucks, plus my usual accessories. I wasn’t planning to make paCute to anyone, anyway. So, it didn’t matter what I looked like. I remembered what my guy friend, Pem, used to say. “It’s all in the face.” Like no matter how badly you’re dressed, if you’ve got a nice face, it won’t ever matter. Anyway.

When I arrived at the NCC building along CP Garcia, I saw Diane waiting for her friend, Hannah, who’s also a new student. Diane was a senior at UPB and she just transferred to UPOU like me. She introduced Hannah and me to each other then we three decided to stick together during the whole orientation.

We entered the hall exactly when the program was about to start. Most people there looked beyond our age so I kinda felt out of place. My mind was actually not in that place at that time. I was constantly checking on my nails, admiring the blueness of my nail polish.

After a long period of nonsense whatever, I noticed a particular guy, who was sitting somewhere in front of us, stood up. I guessed he’d probably go to the restroom. I was so bored out of my wits; I even considered following him and making some eye contact, maybe? I thought he kinda looked good and there’s nothing wrong if I’d flash him one flirty smile, right? I wasn’t dating anybody, anyway. Heehee.

But. Because I was too polite to bother the people who were sitting beside me, I decided to shrug off the idea and just stay on my place. It’s possible that I might be seeing him again, anyway. I assumed he’d be in one of my classes or whatever. But. I wasn’t that interested naman. Whatever.

After about an hour or so, and a whole lot of questions asked, the orientation was finally over. My new found friends and me agreed to let the other people exit the hall first. We were not in a hurry or something naman.

When I was walking down the steps on our way out of the building, I saw two guys in front of where I was standing. They were puffing their cigs and were looking on our way. They seemed to be observing the people making their way out of the building. I decided that they were brothers ‘cause they look so much alike. I was very sure that one of them was the guy that I was thinking about stalking earlier. He was the shorter one.

I made a split-second empty eye contact with him and then continued on my way. I was supposed to get my books but when I saw the long queue, I decided I’d just go home.

So. I didn’t think that guy, the one who probably went to the restroom, the shorter one, whom I think kinda looked good, would be introduced to me and later on be my boyfriend almost four months after that 29th day of May, 2010.

Landeh… :P