Monday, 27 June 2011

Breaking Do/awn

“I hate the feeling when you know you’re going to cry. Your lips quiver, your heart pounds, your eyes sting. Your face clenches up, and then the tears start to fall. You can’t stop them no matter how hard you try. And it’s not little tears that slide down your cheeks, it’s big tears that make your eyes red and puffy, your face tear-stained and your body heave. You can’t stop the tears, and as you lie on your bed alone, you think of what you could have possibly done to stop the pain. Stop the suffering. Stop this, stop what you’re going through. But there’s nothing you can do, nothing anyone can say. It’s the kind of tears and pain that need to be cried out, not talked out. And you know you’re hurting the people you love, but you can’t help it. And sometimes, you just don’t care…”

Why do I feel like I wrote the note above? It’s so accurate; it has everything I ever want to say about breaking down. Every time I cry, I always remind myself that I would write about it, about how it usually starts, and what it physically does to your whole face and body. But it’s not that easy to describe. You have to actually feel it to be able to write about it coherently. Still, I can’t. I guess I’m not that good at writing, yet. Oh, well. But when I saw this on Tumblr, I felt like this was actually written for me, or that I wrote it myself. It’s so accurate; those feelings described there are what I EXACTLY feel when I cry.


Stop bullshitting me, people. I don’t really care about anybody but myself right now.
Chos. I’m not claiming I know everything, but I really know how to read people. I can see right through you, bitches. I may know about you more than you know yourself. Sucks, right? Well, I was born this way. MyGod.

I’ve seen this kind of situation before (involving my ex-housemates). I even blogged about it on Live Journal. Too bad, I deleted that account already. I know my life isn’t perfect and I have no absolute right to tell anybody what to do and feel regarding his or her life problems. I just can’t help seeing anybody get hurt. Especially the people I love. I tried protecting them from stuff, but in the end, they still do the destructive things they do. I just end up telling them, “You should have listened to me, I told you so.” Yeah, I’m psychic like that.

I know feelings are fluid. They can instantly change without you realizing it. One moment you’re so high, and then the next thing you know you’ve already hit rock bottom. I, myself, am made up of different moods that randomly show their faces without my knowledge. Yes, I’m kinda fucked-up in the head. Whatever. I can be very sensitive at times. Then I act like I don’t care about the whole world. Sometimes I feel like I can be the hero that everyone’s waiting for. I feel like I could save everybody from all their hardships. But I can’t even save me from myself. I hurt my belly from laughing so hard, and then a few minutes later I’d just feel my eyes sting.

I kinda hate people who want to me out but never actually listen to what I say. That’s simply pointless, like this post.


1 comment:

Anonymous said...

You will never feet that intense of breaking down.. You have me and I love who you are. :D