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Wednesday, 17 August 2011

Ellipses

I was walking home after watching another movie at the UPFI today when I suddenly felt cold. It’s a good thing I grabbed a jacket before I left home earlier. Apparently, I was walking with Bea and her friend Trisha along Balagtas Street. I was with them but not really with them…

I was kinda lost in my own world thinking about trivial things. Looking up at the magnificent moon on the night sky, I absent-mindedly placed my hands on each front pocket of my jacket. And then it hit me.

Nostalgia… It’s a bitch in its own way. I felt odd; I had to conduct a reality check. I kinda felt like I was walking somewhere in the streets of Baguio. It just rained, hence the cold night air.

I made a trip down memory lane. I remembered those nights in the City of Pines when I had to walk home by myself… Those melancholic walks that usually occurred in the middle of the night… That pathetic feeling of alone-ness… of not having someone to walk with… Those things were the only stuff I had that time. Things that I could actually call mine. The suffering and longing that I felt then was only mine, anyway. Sucked me dry…

It was depression in its unique form. Well, I’d like to think it was unique… That I am unique. I guess that’s what we all have in common. The feeling of uniqueness… Yeah, we all have that.

Anyway. Although I spent most of my nights in Baguio walking alone, I still love it there. Those walks made me think of where my life’s heading. Too bad I only think about them… I never do anything to improve my life, up to now. So… Whatever.

I was reminded of that feeling tonight... That sad, dramatic, I’m-a-living-nonsense-my-life’s-not-going-anywhere feeling… *sigh*

I briefly re-evaluated my life... And realized I’m still the same me. Not much has changed. Sure, I’ve learned a lot from my experiences… But I still can’t say that I’ve grown up even a bit. I still don’t know what I want want. I’m not exactly doing anything useful with my time.

I’m just a brat wanting and making other people provide me with my “needs.”

My obnoxious self’s still with me so I had nothing else to do but hate and complain.
I fucking hate myself right now……

Moving on... Before I knew it, we reached home already.
I guess I should dust off these negative feelings for now.

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