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Thursday, 4 August 2011

My First Heartbreak

It was so depressing that it feels like it just happened yesterday. I didn’t even got the chance to see him but I miss him. I could still remember the pain it caused us that tears still start welling up on my eyes and a lump would suddenly appear on my throat.

I was really really hurt that time. I couldn’t explain the sadness I felt. It is actually the most painful heartbreak I’ve ever experienced in my whole life. I could still vividly remember my younger self, looking up on the sky and imagining my little brother dancing up above in heaven along with the angels of God. The image is so divine; it still brings me to tears.

He was something I desperately wanted to have, but never had. I wanted to be with him, to hug him, and to feel him. I never got the chance to do that. Looking back, I still couldn’t imagine the grief that my mom felt. I forgot what it was for her since I was trapped in my own devastation at that time. I am not yet a mother and I am not sure when I will be, but I am certain that the unbearable pain from losing a child is unexplainable. Maybe it will be like describing the colour pink to a person who was born blind. Unbelievably incomprehensible; no words will be able to describe it.

August 02. It was around four in the afternoon when we received a phone call from the hospital. It was my mom’s friend, who also happened to be a doctor. She was calling to tell my dad that my mom had a miscarriage. I remember myself peeking from our room. My dad was yelling so loud, it was like he could kill anybody with it. I was so scared of what might happen. Apparently, he didn’t know that my mom was pregnant. But I did. There had been a cold war going on inside the house for a few weeks already. Or was it months? They weren’t talking to each other, I kinda suspected a divorce approaching. Chos. Divorce my face. Lol. So anyway, my dad was so mad but he rushed to the hospital anyway. What could he do? It’s her wife and baby. He can’t just ignore them even if he wanted to. But he didn’t, okay.

The hospital did everything they can to save my brother. It was just downright impossible ‘cause his lungs weren’t fully developed yet and there was no way they could save it. He was only eight months at that time. My aunt told me that he was too beautiful to live; he deserves to be in heaven with the other handsome angels whose beauty the earth does not justify.

Today, August 03, is his death anniversary. I feel bad that I don’t know what age he would be right now had he lived, though. But I’ll let you know after I ask my mom.

I remember asking God if my brother could be our angel up in heaven. I was on tears, literally looking up above the sky. Thinking about the things that could have, but didn’t. Until now, I’m not sure who’s to blame. Actually, I’m not sure if someone should be blamed. I guess not. It’s just that sometimes, bad things happen to good people.

Even if I didn’t have the chance to meet him outside of my mom’s womb, hug him, nor be with him, I just wanna say that I love him. And I miss him with all my heart. So yeah, I guess it’s possible to miss someone you never actually met. I miss him with all my heart; I wanna spend some time with him. I love him. He’s something I never had, but couldn’t ever forget.

His name’s Andrei. I like to think that he got the name from me and my lola. Hee ♥

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