Sunday, 25 September 2011

Turn It Off, Again.

Sometimes I feel like the world is too big... Or too small.

Some days, I just wanna die. I wouldn’t want to die, in the literal meaning of the word… I just wanna lie down and rest... Close my eyes…Turn off my mind… Shut off myself completely.

Sometimes it becomes one of the things I wanna escape from. It feels so illogical and senseless sometimes. I just wanna be by myself sometimes. I want all the boundaries and limitations I have to imprison me. Put up barriers between the world and me.

Some days, I just wanna be alone… And I can’t blame hormones for that.

I’m so bored, I wanna cut myself to pieces. Create tension; make that red stuff flow outside my body and with it, all the negative thoughts I have. Be freed from something that doesn’t quench my need to comprehend. I just wanted to feel that stinging sensation and the throbbing pain I wouldn’t be able to escape from for at least a while...

I’ve been catching myself looking over the horizon, a lot. I can’t actually group together some words to come up with an explanation… And I don’t think I could come up with an excuse for this action, anyway. It’s just that I’ve been catching myself looking over at the horizon without actually realizing I was doing it… With my sad, disappointed eyes.

I’m kinda disappointed with my life right now, you know… And by how it’s turning out to be. Well. Not everything about my life though… I’m being such a big disappointment to myself and it sucks, really. I don’t know why I ended up here, what exactly I did, what’s the main cause of every wrong thing that eventually happened, what actually happened, and what were the first signs of trouble… *SIIIIGH*

We cry for the things we can’t understand. We’re scared of the things that might be lurking in the dark… Of what’s hiding under our beds at night, when we’re comfortably sleeping and we feel like everything’s sound and nothing would hurt us… Or of what we might find beneath the deep well that stays safe on the corner where we keep our darkest secrets… Swallowing up our ground, leaving us defenceless.

We’re so scared, we can’t do anything about it but cry.

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