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Thursday, 27 October 2011

When We Sleep


"People always think that when you sleep together,
there’s always something that is happening in between the sheets and the bed.
But let me tell you, It’s not always like that.
The feeling of actually hugging each other until you fall asleep, the warmth of each other’s breath, and the total happiness in the morning when you wake up right beside them.
Everything may sound so good to be true,
but sometimes it takes a lot of responsibility and love to be able to be as wholesome as possible.
Sleeping with your special someone is one of the most heartwarming experiences you’ll ever have.
No nothing, simply hugging and smiling yourself to sleep."

Tuesday, 25 October 2011

MakapagReact lang: Walong Diwata ng Pagkahulog



I guess the book Walong Diwata ng Pagkahulog by Edgar Calabia Samar came to me just in time. Well, the moment I decided to read it wasn’t really the first time it landed on my hands, but the time “life” kinda forced me to read it, I believe it was just right on time.

Jamie asked me to read the book earlier this year, I think, and said that I should because it’s weird or something, so I would definitely like it. But since I am not really fond of reading books in Filipino, I lent it to Gely instead.

However, because of some issues or misunderstanding or whatever that occurred, Jamie asked me to give her the book back (and all her things I still have that time, for that matter). So. I scheduled Gely for us to meet so I could have Jamie’s book in my hands again. I thought I couldn’t give her back the book yet without reading it. That’s why I did. And to my surprise, I became hooked!

I was currently reading The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle by Haruki Murakami when I decided to read Walong Diwata ng Pagkahulog as well. And I was surprised when there’s a part in the book where the main character, Daniel, was also reading it! When I got to that part of the book, I thought that this came to me in the right time. The fact that I wasn’t able to read it the first time I held it meant that I was really supposed to read it when I actually read it. Like, whoa! I rather thought that this book was particularly written for me. Haha. I just won’t accept the fact that what was presented to me was just a series of coincidences.

I kinda told myself that the main character and I were somehow related. Lol. Daniel, like me, has been through different courses in college, reads the authors I’ve read, plus he’s a frustrated writer and so am I! :D Not to mention the fact that we’re both born in February; he’s on the 19th and I’m on the 23rd. My mom was born in Samar pa. Oha. Okay guys, believe me, there’s moooore. I just chose not to identify all our similarities here. Hehe.

The whole story was kinda weird in an unconventional way. Hey, I liked the book! I just kinda felt like the ending was bitin or something. Anyway… It kinda freaked me out when I thought that the whole story changes depending on who’s reading it. Like, the book rewrites itself with the reader’s struggles and personal thoughts. Idk. Maybe that was just my imagination running wild. Hehe. Yeah, there’s that.

Well, I’m suggesting you guys read the book so you’d have an idea of what I’m talking about. But if my hypothesis that the storyline changes depending on who reads it… Uh-oh. Then things that are written here won’t be true. Hehe.

It’s a different kind of experience for me since I’m not used to reading these kinds of stuff from Pinoy writers. I’m not sure what’s the trend here na… But. For me it’s the first of its kind. So. Just read it.

****

In my Komunikasyon 1 class, we were asked to analyze a book using PAPITS (don't ask). And I chose this book, yay! And. The book is with it's owner now. Hee.

Monday, 17 October 2011

Credenda

Turn away from the crowd and its fruitless pursuit of fame and gold. Never look back as you close your door to the sorry tumult of greed and ambition.

Wipe away your tears of failure and misfortune. Lay aside your heavy load and rest until your heart is still.

Be at peace. Already it is later than you think, for your earthly life, at best, is only the blink of an eye between two eternities.

Be unafraid. Nothing here can harm you except yourself. Do that which you dread, and cherish those victories with pride.

Concentrate your energy. To be everywhere is to be nowhere. Be jealous of your time, since it is your greatest treasure.

Reconsider your goals. Before you set your heart too much on anything, examine how happy they are who already possess what you desire.

Love your family and count your blessings. Reflect on how eagerly they would be sought if you did not have them.

Put aside your impossible dreams and complete the task at hand no matter how distasteful. All great achievements come from working and waiting.

Be patient. God’s delays are never God’s denials.

Hold on. Hold fast. Know that your paymaster is always near. What you sow, good or evil, that you will reap.

Never blame your condition on others. You are what you are through your choice alone.

Learn to live with honest poverty, if you must, and turn to more important matters than transporting gold to your grave.

Never meet trouble halfway. Anxiety is the rust of life. When you add tomorrow’s burdens to today’s, their weight becomes unbearable.

Avoid the mourner’s bench and give thanks, instead, for your defeats. You would not receive them if you did not need them.

Always learn from others. He who teaches himself has a fool for a master.

Be careful.

Do not overload your conscience. Conduct your life as if it were spent in an arena filled with tattlers.

Avoid boasting. If you see anything in you that puffs you with pride, look closer and you will find more than enough to make you humble.

Be wise. Realize that all men are not created equal, for there is no equality in nature, yet no man was ever born whose work was not born with him.

Work every day as if it were your first, yet tenderly treat the lives you touch as if they will all end at midnight.

Love everyone, even those who deny you, for hate is a luxury you cannot afford.

Seek out those in need. Learn that he who delivers with one hand will always gather with two.

Be of good cheer.

Above all, remember that very little is needed to make a happy life:

LOOK UP. REACH OUT. CLING SIMPLY TO GOD and journey quietly on your pathway to forever with charity and a smile.

When you depart it will be said by all that your legacy was a better world than the one you found.


-- fr. THE GIFT OF ACABAR by Og Mandino & Buddy Kaye

Sunday, 16 October 2011

The Week That Passed…

09

I almost never go out on Sundays. Even if I wanted to. It’s either there’s no one I could hang out with or I have nowhere to go. And well, yeah, I’m broke. So I have no choice but to stay at home. It’s one of those days I wish I had a job already. I need something I could spend, okay. But I guess I really lack any will or motivation to look for a job and therefore earn money. I would have one now if I were just THAT determined to earn. Or whatever. Fcuk this. So, yeah. I hate Sundays. It always reminds me how boring my life is.

10

Was really hoping I’d be able to see Ken on this Monday. But I didn’t. And I was supposed to apply for a job at IBM with Xang but she had to do some school work so we decided to cancel it.

At around noon, I texted Gely if I could get back some friend’s book that I lent her. She agreed then also asked if we could have lunch at McDo or KFC. We texted another highschool friend, Rosanne, and then went to her place at around two in the afternoon. Rosanne had to help another friend first, Camilla, so Gely and I just headed to CHE to watch and support her classmates and friends defend their thesis. I thought theses aren’t for me and that they should have never been part of being a student. Gely and I just chatted and share stories during that thesis defence. She gave me five grad photos and these are my favourites:


At madumi pa scanner :| Hey, Gely! Sorry for posting. I just had to. You are so very beautiful, that’s why! :D
Well, back to my story… After a few hours, Rosanne texted that they were finish already and we can go eat na. We met at Vinzon’s, then rode a jeepney to UP-Ayala Technohub, and had our super late lunch at KFC. If you could still call it lunch, that is. Hehe. It was a very fun day! :D We planned to eat at Cravings on 17, tomorrow, but I don’t think that would push through.

I guess it’s true what they say, that your highschool friends are your lifetime friends.

11

During the week before this, I’ve been spending some energy making something for Ken. I call it Love Pills. Lame? Well, whatever, I’m in love! ♥ I wrote some inspirational, cheesy statements on small strips of paper, folded it and then put it inside a small jar that I decorated. I told him he was supposed to get one each day. The total number of paper strips is 75, so the last strip would be on Christmas Day. Idk. I was inspired. Hehe. I gave it to him on this day. We spent the whole day at his place eating Tuna Pasta. It was love-filled and I was very ecstatic! ;)

12

Hey! This day inspired THIS ENTRY. Lol. I asked Ken to wait for me at SC ‘cause I’m not yet done pampering my pretty self. Hehe. But my mom saw him so he decided to just go to my place and wait for me there. He played with my little brother, Kaiser, while I was upstairs, changing my wardrobe repeatedly. I can’t instantly decide what to wear. So I just wore my gray shirt, skinny jeans and chucks. Then Ken and I went to SM North, had lunch there, window-shopped, walked a lot, ate a lot, cuddled a lot, kissed a lot, and pissed each other off a lot. But we still love each other a lot, to begin with. Hehe.

We did a lot of talking, yeah. And those were intellectual conversations, mind you. We had the strawberry sundae at Jollibbee in Trinoma, which was SORT OF a source of one of our past arguments/tampuhan or something. Although we parted ways in a not so cool manner, it was a very fun day, after all.

13

I stayed at home the whole day. I woke up at around noon, drank a cup of coffee, watched a few episodes of The OC and realized that I haven’t eaten anything yet. But since there was nothing to eat (at least nothing that I like), I just waited until dinner and finally was able to eat with gusto.

14

The boyfriend and I weren’t totally in good shape the other day but I still managed to go to his place because I so wanted to. And I miss him so much, already!

Though the day with him didn’t actually start modestly, we were able to smooth things over. We were all over each other until his highschool friends crashed his crib. I guess we needed to be somehow decent or something so I can’t just kiss him randomly. But anyway. It was okay and I didn’t lose my cool towards Ken, mostly. Hehe. I can’t say that I really enjoyed hanging out with them. I mean, I’m not really friends with everybody… But I can’t also say that I didn’t like being with them. I just feel like it wasn’t really my reality or something. I’m still very cool about it, though. And I managed to tease Ken a lot. You should’ve seen him. Hehe ;)

But. Sometimes it’s just so hard to make believe and detach yourself from what you actually feel. Uhm… To be able to save face? Idk. Uhm. Yeah, but whatever. I wasn’t born to please someone I’m not really fond of, anyway. Will probably explore more about the issue at hand someday. Or never. Hehe. Moving on…

Xang texted me the other night that the soulful band Up Dharma Down has a gig at the UP College of Science amphitheatre for the Friday Night Lights to promote their new album. I didn’t think I’d still be able to meet Xang after hanging out at Ken’s but just when I was at my house already, she texted me that I should drag my fat ass over there na while the band hasn’t played yet. I just lay down on my bed for a while, changed my shirt and then headed to the amphitheatre.

I wasn’t able to find Xang and the others immediately, so I just stood there by myself during the fantastic fireworks display. Oh, how I wished that Ken were there with me. It was somehow romantic, I even imagined us making out under the night sky, which came to life with all the flaring fireworks.

I didn’t know where the theatre was at first. I pretty much guessed where it’s located. I walked, jogged, and ran from my house on the way to NIGS. I was still a few blocks away from the venue but I could already hear the crowd. And they were screaming so loud. It was my kind of crowd, actually. Haha. Dang. I approached the crowd excitedly and saw a few familiar faces.

I wasn’t able to find Xang and the others immediately, so I just stood there by myself during the fantastic fireworks display. Oh, how I wished that Ken were there with me. It was somehow romantic, I even imagined us making out under the night sky, which came to life with all the flaring fireworks.

I found Xang and friends near the Hen Lin booth. When the band started playing, the crowd went wild and almost all the audience were singing their hearts out with Armi. It was such a wonderful night! I felt very light and happy. I miss nights like that one. It was very nostalgic; I actually didn’t feel like I was in UP Diliman. I felt so free and problem-less. I felt like it was a different kind of night; one that I am never used to anymore. I feel wonderful, really. And I wished with all my heart that Ken were standing there beside me, holding me in his arms.

Armi Millare, Up Dharma Down's vocalist, sings orgasmically:


Photo was taken by Xang :D And yes, we were THAT close to Armi!

15

The cat was sleeping by my feet when I decided to make fun of him. I was caressing him with my right foot at first and decided to pinch him using that foot as well. Being a cat that he is, his version of paglalambing includes biting and scratching, so he bit me. But it was just like a small puncture, I wasn’t even sure if it bled. I’m still worried I’d be Catwoman one day, though. But hey, ain’t that grand?!

It’s a Saturday and we supposedly have classes on Saturdays. Well, except that we’re on the semestral break already. But since I had to get out of the house and I needed to be with my counterpart, we just hanged out at the mall. And yes, we were at SM North Edsa, to be specific. It was fun! :D Every day with Ken is fun naman, even if we always have petty fights that sprout from God knows where. Miraculously, though, we didn’t fight during this day. When we got back at my place at around 4pm, we just sat and talked for a while and decided to eat again.

And then when it was time for him to leave, I was again left with my boring, lonely self.

16

A few DeMolay brods from Baguio asked me to go with them at the installation of officers of the Mabini lodge at Las Piňas. I did plan on going but later on decided against it. I had no regrets about that, though. I might be a little (if not super) bored at home but what the hell. At least I wouldn’t have given someone something to rant about for the upcoming week. So, I’m fine with that.

However, I’m still kinda worried about being Catwoman when I wake up tomorrow. Lol.


I hate Sundays.

Saturday, 15 October 2011

That Awful Moment When I Thought My Cat’s Dead



I swear I was ready to cry. I was so scared; I didn’t even dare to move forward. I was ready to cry because of the possibility that he was dead. I love that cat.

Bea and I exchanged a few nervous looks. A few moments later, the beloved cat finally moved. I even think that it suppressed a yawn when he saw our nervous faces. It finally said “meow,” then relief finally replaced the agony I felt. I let out a heavy sigh. He jumped off the CPU and we moved towards each other.

I held him with my both hands and told him that he scared me. Fuck that. I kept on scratching the back of his head while he was just purring incessantly.

I am so glad he was very much alive and nothing bad happened. He really scared me to death.

Aahh, that cat.

Talks

Having intellectual conversations with him fires me up. It was an aphrodisiac in some sense. I become more attracted to him. There are times when his beliefs, the way they differ from mine, and his manner of explaining them seduces me. I can’t believe this man’s in love with me, I often tell myself.

I love the fact that I could tell him anything that’s on my mind without him judging me. Explaining our own sides in every issue helps in understanding each other, I guess. Although we don’t actually agree with what the other person has to say, we could always agree to disagree. The only important thing for me is that he understands what I said and why I said them. It’s important that although he doesn’t agree with me, he have in his mind my explanations on why I felt the things I feel (if ever I succeeded in explaining them).

I care about what he thinks, really. Even if I don’t understand why he did some things sometimes, I do my best to understand him, put myself in his shoes and try to see what I’d do if I were him. I admit that it isn’t an easy task. You can’t actually put yourself in someone else’s shoes and be sure that you could internalize what s/he’s exactly going through and understand the whys and causes behind it.

Another factor regarding my understanding of him is how he perceives me. I know I’m a huge pain in the ass and that there are times when even I don’t like myself. I can be too paranoid, demanding, controlling, and egoistic. I kinda have this disorder when I want everything to go according to my plan. I have an ideal vision of what should be done and I know that sometimes they are kind of impractical and unattainable. Stupid me. So yeah. I know I also have to consider the hardships of dealing with me in the picture. Being my counterpart isn’t an easy part to play or whatever you wanna call it… Hence, I should praise him for keeping up with me for a long time already.

‘Cause even I don’t understand myself. This entry became so confusing to me too. I was supposed to talk about how I love having intellectual conversations with him. I don’t really know how it shifted into our arguments to me being a pain in the ass. I don’t know. Go figure. Hee. I love him. <3

Smoking Kills

It was as if the world stopped for a second when she realized what it was. It was when he bent forward a little and gave her a kiss that that particular smell sashayed through her nostrils. It was a faint hint of cigarette smoke that she dreaded among any other scents in the world.

She wouldn’t have been taken aback if only they haven’t talked about the issue a thousand times already. That habit has already heated a lot of arguments between them and should have been kicked out of the range completely. Is she asking too much? Was it too hard to accomplish? In that split second, a few number of pillars of trust that she built collapsed instantly.

After hearing out all her pet demons inside her, hearing them scream out their stands regarding the real issue that was there in the open, she just ignored them. Pretended that it doesn’t bother her. It shouldn’t anymore, right? She closed her eyes and chose to believe in something that wasn’t really there. She loves him so much, that’s why believing in the impossible is somewhat part of the whole loving plan. Therefore, she just smiled. She smiled at him and made herself focus into something else. Something less… important.

But still.

It was only later that day when she thought about what really happened inside her, the actual event that was instantly covered by the lingering smile she decided to show instead. She made her demons stand in court and voice all their troubles away. What occurred isn’t really good, mind you. They were all negative. They choose not to be caressed by words that are meant to comfort but are actually insincere.

It was like in every puff, every burnt part of that cigarette signifies her trust. Slowly diminishing every time. Every time “want” takes over “principles,” selfishness weighs more than being trusted, and a few seconds of escape wins over making your girlfriend happy, something is being taken away from both parties. Something that wouldn’t be restored no matter how hard one tries.

Yes, smoking kills. It was said that in every stick you suck, your life span decreases by a few minutes, I think… In the same way that it kills… Relationships.

Sunday, 2 October 2011

Love/Hate/Life

Well, tangina this.
I feel like I’m being lied to. By the whole world. Or this universe.
Today... I feel like I don’t actually know anything anymore. I feel like my whole life’s a lie.
Everything. What is LIFE, btw?!
I want to doubt everything but believe on them at the same time. Now, isn’t that being stupid.
Fucktheworld. At least my world…
Why do I always have to be reminded of my fuckedupness.
I just relaxed for a minute, and the next thing I know,
the awful things that I have to endure in my waking life has increased already.
I feel small. Pathetic. Crazy. Stupid. Me.
I’m not exactly sure what my current feelings are called right now.
I want to cry soooo baaaad. But I’m restraining myself from crying ‘cause I feel like if I let tears flow,
it’s like admitting that the fuckingworld has won over me again. And although I’m such a small creature living in this stupid, fuckedup big world, I still have to make a stand.
And shove up his ass the fact that I can’t be tamed.
Lol, what? Miley Cyrus, is that you? Lol.
I wish I made sense. Haaaay. I’m so tired. But I can’t give up now.

Heart. Break. Disease. Anyone?
FuckTheWorld.

Saturday, 1 October 2011

SomethingIShouldHaveBloggedAboutButLaterOnDecidedAgainstIt

Empty Apartment by Yellowcard

Call me out, you stayed inside
One you love, is where you hide
Shot me down as I flew by
Crash and burn
I think sometimes
You forget where the heart is

Answer no to these questions
Let her go, learn a lesson
It's not me, you're not listening
Now, can't you see something's missing
You forget where the heart is

Take you away from that empty apartment
You stay, and forget where the heart is
Someday if ever you loved me you'd say, it's okay

Waking up from this nightmare
How's your life? What's it like there?
Is it all what you want it to be?
Does it hurt when you think about me?
And how broken my heart is

It's okay to be angry and never let go
It only gets harder the more that you know
When you get lonely if no one's around
You know that I'll catch you when you're falling down
We came together but you left alone
And I know how it feels to walk out on your own
Maybe someday I will see you again
And you'll look me in my eyes and call me your friend

It's okay
It's okay

****

WHY DO I EVEN BOTHER. ^kinam.