Having intellectual conversations with him fires me up. It was an aphrodisiac in some sense. I become more attracted to him. There are times when his beliefs, the way they differ from mine, and his manner of explaining them seduces me. I can’t believe this man’s in love with me, I often tell myself.
I love the fact that I could tell him anything that’s on my mind without him judging me. Explaining our own sides in every issue helps in understanding each other, I guess. Although we don’t actually agree with what the other person has to say, we could always agree to disagree. The only important thing for me is that he understands what I said and why I said them. It’s important that although he doesn’t agree with me, he have in his mind my explanations on why I felt the things I feel (if ever I succeeded in explaining them).
I care about what he thinks, really. Even if I don’t understand why he did some things sometimes, I do my best to understand him, put myself in his shoes and try to see what I’d do if I were him. I admit that it isn’t an easy task. You can’t actually put yourself in someone else’s shoes and be sure that you could internalize what s/he’s exactly going through and understand the whys and causes behind it.
Another factor regarding my understanding of him is how he perceives me. I know I’m a huge pain in the ass and that there are times when even I don’t like myself. I can be too paranoid, demanding, controlling, and egoistic. I kinda have this disorder when I want everything to go according to my plan. I have an ideal vision of what should be done and I know that sometimes they are kind of impractical and unattainable. Stupid me. So yeah. I know I also have to consider the hardships of dealing with me in the picture. Being my counterpart isn’t an easy part to play or whatever you wanna call it… Hence, I should praise him for keeping up with me for a long time already.
‘Cause even I don’t understand myself. This entry became so confusing to me too. I was supposed to talk about how I love having intellectual conversations with him. I don’t really know how it shifted into our arguments to me being a pain in the ass. I don’t know. Go figure. Hee. I love him. <3