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Saturday, 31 December 2011

I don’t even have a holiday post, for chrissake.

I over think, I know. And I’m not sure if it’s a positive or negative thing right now. Yes, it kills. It doesn’t give you peace of mind. But it makes you see all possible angles and/or turns in a situation. You might be wrong, in the end, but since you rather expected the worse already, somehow, you’d be prepared when one of the possible scenarios that you made up in your head comes. Right?

Ayoko athindi ko kayang magalit ng sobra kasi alam ko nasaktan ka rin lang naman. And I’ve been there. I know the feeling.

Ayoko na magassume and all. Sana yung iba din. Di porket may something, lahat ng ginagawa ko may kinalaman na dun. I’m a LOT of stuff compressed in this frigid body. So. Ayun. Go figure. Bahala na ulit magisip yung mga tao. After all, who am I to put ideas in your head? May sarisarili tayong utak kaya walang pakialamanan.

But, hey. Di ko alam san nanggagaling to. I’m typing straight from my head. Kung ano lang lumabas sa utak ko. Ayun. Bahala na si Batman. Or Spiderman. Or kung sinumang superhero. Hehe.

****

Like, whatever. This is so last year. I promised myself na hindi na ko makikialam, di na magrereact mashado, at hindi na papansinin yung mga papansing tao. They can go to hell for all I care. Ew. So. What I have to do now is mind my own business (though I don’t actually have one) and amuse myself with things that are actually worth my time and focus on people that are truly worth it. Yeah, there’s that.

As long as I know the truth, alam ko may laban ako. To think na imaginary pa yung mga “kaaway” ko. Anobanamanyan. Kaloka. Di ko alam kung nagiilusyon lang ba talaga ko o I can foresee the future lang. Hehe. I’m one step ahead of things minsan. I just know. I’m not sure if this is a Pisces thing with all our intuitive behavior whatever, but yeah… There are scenarios that I play in my head tas nagkakatotoo. Yieee. I’m psychic like that.

Katamad magEnglish minsan. But who cares! Anyway. That’s it for now. I MIGHT post my New Year’s resolution here later, but…Katamad. Ewan. Whatever goes.

On second thought…

Yeah, I think it would be nice to post something here for the New Year. Makapag move on lang sa 2011. Get it? Move on…

Friday, 23 December 2011

Ken Na Magaling

I just realized this earlier… And I’m sort of sleep typing right now so… Whatever.

I just realized that Ken, aside from being the one and only love of my life, makes me think about things that I know I cannot think of by myself. As I said in one of my past blog entries, well, he lights up my world. He really enlightens me at times. Like, almost literally. Chos.

Being a proud and somewhat know-it-all kid that I am, I’m often the one who corrects people and make them realize their mistakes. I don’t always tell them directly that they were wrong at doing something. I want the revelation to come out of their mouths. I just give them examples or questions that would lead them to the truth that they are sometimes too blind to see.

But with Ken, especially when we’re arguing and I am sort of doubtful of myself as well, there are times when he’d contradict me and I would be too lost to say anything. I’d be somehow enlightened by what he said that it’d take me a couple of seconds to answer him back. And although I already knew I’m wrong and I already realized my mistake, I’d still force myself to come up with something just for the sake of not admitting defeat and not being pahiya.

Only he could make me realize my shortcomings. And I’m glad he’s that person. It would be so uncomfortable if it were someone else. He’s the ONLY person in this world who knows me aside from myself. Word. I’m a million percent sure that Ken’s the only person who knows me inside out. And I love him so very much so consider me lucky. Very, very lucky at that. He knows EVERYTHING about me yet he’s staying. I’m still kinda surprised that he’s still with me and he even assured me that he’s not going anywhere no matter what.

And as time goes by, I just adore him more. He’s someone I know I could look up to for the rest of my life. I want to spend the rest of my life with him, loving him, and breathing for him. Word.

****

So. Sabi ko nga inaantok na ko…
Hi, Ken! ♥ Will see you later! >:D< Happy 1 year, 3 months, 1 day, my love! :* :*

Sunday, 18 December 2011

Like Craaaazy

I thought I understood it, that I could grasp it, but I didn’t, not really. Only the smudgeness of it; the pink-slippered, all-containered, semi-precious eagerness of it. I didn’t realize it would sometimes be more than whole, that the wholeness was a rather luxurious idea. Because it’s the halves that halve you in half. I didn’t know, don’t know, about the in-between bits; the gory bits of you, and the gory bits of me. -- Anna



Satirical, isn’t it. And the duration of my crying throughout the movie was almost equal to the half of it. I saw parts of myself in all the three main characters. One’s when Sam (played by Jennifer Lawrence) was crying on Jacob’s (Anton Yelchin) arms because she heard, yet again, about Anna (Felicity Jones); I remember how my face was contorted in front of the mirror a few hours ago. Theirs were honest to goodness acting. Even if not in a long distance relationship, the audience could totally relate to what the characters were going through. The film explored what actually happens in relationships: how it affects the things that surround them, how the external factors affects, and how and why people do all they can to deal with hardships and strive to hold on to what really matters to be able to be in that place they call home.



They were torn between staying together and moving on from each other but not being able to. They already know they were meant to be together. Being with each other and reliving the past became an addiction that was so hard to shake off that even when they were seeing other people, they still exhaust each other with the idea of “them” forever and ever. They both know they won’t be able to get rid of each other. They became each other’s piece. It’s obvious they can never live without the other. It was like it’s okay for them to fool around with other people ‘cause each thinks that the other would still be able to accept them; that they would still end up together, no matter what. Being selfish and not thinking about the people they would hurt. They belong together for them.

Towards the end of the film, I kind of got lost and forgot what the point of everything was…

But...

It’s about hoping that in the end, after confusing words were spoken, glances were exchanged, spending nights by yourself, deceptive moments shared with someone else, after all liquors were drunk, and despite the distance, you’d still be the chosen one; that love really conquers all and is the most powerful emotion or force in the world. That no matter how many struggles lovers may experience, as long as their love for each other and their desire to be in each other’s arms are very genuine and strong, they could and would still end up together with their treasured, sacred love.

Or…

Anyway, I just wish that the protagonist’s name were different. The commonality of it annoys me. I guess life’s playing its little joke on me again. Tsktsk.

And…

I just missed Ken more. There are still some things to sort out between us. And I’m still on the verge of pulling out my hair and scratching my skin… Like crazy.



Let’s remember what we said about forever.

Saturday, 17 December 2011

Never Say Never

Here we go again.

I always find myself in this kind of situation: with a pathetic face, messed up hair, slouched posture, and god-forsaken eyes. It’s always me versus the world and to tell you the truth, I never win. I always end up feeling sorry for myself, shaking my head, saying, “I knew this would happen.” I’m not sure why I always struggle to get everything my way when I know there are external forces that would just always blow me away and prove to me that I would always be that silly little girl that has no chance on, well, almost everything.

But knowing doesn’t actually stop us from doing something we already knew would hurt. Because it never hurts to try. And hurt always arrives latterly. You’d just realize it’s there when you could already hear the sound of your heart breaking, making its way down to the floor in slow motion, as if its making you realize so damn hard what you lost or are starting to lose. It’s not the breaking that hurts the most; it’s hearing it break to pieces, shattering like your favourite chinaware; it’s knowing that even if you find a way to put them back together, it would never ever feel the same. It would always twitch, reminding you of how much pain you’ve endured. *SIIIIGH*

And then this song plays on the background… Thus this post’s title… Talk about perfect timing…



What I hate most about being hurt is the fact that no matter how much I distract myself, I would always have that split second out of mind/body experience. It’s rather hard to describe but I’d try… Uhm. For me, it’s like being out of this world. It feels like nothing else ever existed but you and an enveloping darkness that you wouldn’t be able to run from. It’s the rush of memories drowning you. It’s the random emotional outbursts that would be available all throughout the day. Unlimited, for that matter. It’s tearing up when you least expect it. It would make you wonder about the things that could and would happen now that you’re sort of on your own, even, at least, for a while.

And there would always be that thinking-about-you moment. I’d wonder what you’re doing. I’d think about whether loneliness is keeping you company as well. If we’re still both in this together. Or if you’re sound asleep already, while I’m wide awake, scared to close my eyes and have these motherfucking nightmares. Vivid nightmares that would make me wanna wake up immediately or would seduce me into sleeping forever.

I hate this feeling. Finding myself in this situation is indescribable. It really makes me want to take the easiest way out. Like kill myself or something. I don’t like struggles. And conflicts. I may appear strong, it would seem like I don’t care, but deep down inside the deepest corner of my center, I know that I’m wasting away. And I’m really losing it. What only keeps me from shutting down the life spark is not yet being ready to face nothingness. I’m still dealing with the fact that after this life, I would be completely erased on this planet. And not seeing what would happen to the people I love after my death makes me worry, too. See, I still care about you guys. Why can’t you see that!

I couldn’t accept that what I have now is all that I could ever have. I couldn’t just sit up straight and wait for things to happen. Ranting about it and complaining about it is what I do best. Hey, at least I’m doing something… I’m just waiting for the perfect time to restart my life. I love what I have and I’m very thankful about them. It’s just that I know that this isn’t everything for me yet. I know my life could be better. And I also know that talking or blogging about my problems won’t get me anywhere… Duh.

It’s just that not having anyone actually listen to what you have to say is making my insides rot. It makes everything that I’m going through a million times hardeeerr.

I’m in this shithole again. And instead of crawling out of it, I confuse myself into sliding farther away from the exit. I really don’t know what to do. If I had a brain, I would gracefully use it more often than I use my heart. I’m fucked up… Again. And again. And again.