Saturday, 17 December 2011

Never Say Never

Here we go again.

I always find myself in this kind of situation: with a pathetic face, messed up hair, slouched posture, and god-forsaken eyes. It’s always me versus the world and to tell you the truth, I never win. I always end up feeling sorry for myself, shaking my head, saying, “I knew this would happen.” I’m not sure why I always struggle to get everything my way when I know there are external forces that would just always blow me away and prove to me that I would always be that silly little girl that has no chance on, well, almost everything.

But knowing doesn’t actually stop us from doing something we already knew would hurt. Because it never hurts to try. And hurt always arrives latterly. You’d just realize it’s there when you could already hear the sound of your heart breaking, making its way down to the floor in slow motion, as if its making you realize so damn hard what you lost or are starting to lose. It’s not the breaking that hurts the most; it’s hearing it break to pieces, shattering like your favourite chinaware; it’s knowing that even if you find a way to put them back together, it would never ever feel the same. It would always twitch, reminding you of how much pain you’ve endured. *SIIIIGH*

And then this song plays on the background… Thus this post’s title… Talk about perfect timing…

What I hate most about being hurt is the fact that no matter how much I distract myself, I would always have that split second out of mind/body experience. It’s rather hard to describe but I’d try… Uhm. For me, it’s like being out of this world. It feels like nothing else ever existed but you and an enveloping darkness that you wouldn’t be able to run from. It’s the rush of memories drowning you. It’s the random emotional outbursts that would be available all throughout the day. Unlimited, for that matter. It’s tearing up when you least expect it. It would make you wonder about the things that could and would happen now that you’re sort of on your own, even, at least, for a while.

And there would always be that thinking-about-you moment. I’d wonder what you’re doing. I’d think about whether loneliness is keeping you company as well. If we’re still both in this together. Or if you’re sound asleep already, while I’m wide awake, scared to close my eyes and have these motherfucking nightmares. Vivid nightmares that would make me wanna wake up immediately or would seduce me into sleeping forever.

I hate this feeling. Finding myself in this situation is indescribable. It really makes me want to take the easiest way out. Like kill myself or something. I don’t like struggles. And conflicts. I may appear strong, it would seem like I don’t care, but deep down inside the deepest corner of my center, I know that I’m wasting away. And I’m really losing it. What only keeps me from shutting down the life spark is not yet being ready to face nothingness. I’m still dealing with the fact that after this life, I would be completely erased on this planet. And not seeing what would happen to the people I love after my death makes me worry, too. See, I still care about you guys. Why can’t you see that!

I couldn’t accept that what I have now is all that I could ever have. I couldn’t just sit up straight and wait for things to happen. Ranting about it and complaining about it is what I do best. Hey, at least I’m doing something… I’m just waiting for the perfect time to restart my life. I love what I have and I’m very thankful about them. It’s just that I know that this isn’t everything for me yet. I know my life could be better. And I also know that talking or blogging about my problems won’t get me anywhere… Duh.

It’s just that not having anyone actually listen to what you have to say is making my insides rot. It makes everything that I’m going through a million times hardeeerr.

I’m in this shithole again. And instead of crawling out of it, I confuse myself into sliding farther away from the exit. I really don’t know what to do. If I had a brain, I would gracefully use it more often than I use my heart. I’m fucked up… Again. And again. And again.

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