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Sunday, 23 December 2012

It's Not You, It's Me


Nakaisang taon na pala, parang kailan lang… Well, I didn’t really keep track and ain’t sure if I really care. I don’t seem to care about a lot of things these days, anyway. I don’t care about anything or anyone else but myself.

I’m turning into someone I don’t like. I barely look at myself in the mirror for fear of what I would see. I don’t really recognize me sometimes. I do things I’d soon regret, I say things I don’t really mean, I’m being so mean to the people I care about. Plus, I’m not so passionate about writing anymore. In fact I don’t know where all my passion has gone. I’m becoming this boring person with no friends who doesn’t know what to do with her life.

There are times that I feel like I’m on the right track, like I’ve got it all planned and figured out, and that I don’t really need anyone else but the people I have in my life right now. But something’s amiss. I miss a lot of things. I miss doing a lot of things. And I miss a lot of people. I’ve been so disconnected to a lot of my friends, so-called friends, my frenemies, and even with my own self! What is “me time,” seriously?

I used to complain a lot about being bum and not having something worthwhile to do. Did having a job change that? No fucking way. I changed a lot but I’m still the same, believe it or not. Fuck that. I’m more confused as ever. I might have a view of what I wanna be in the years to come but I still don’t know how to get them and how to be there. What’s worse is that I feel like I’m alone in this sometimes. Like no one really really share my views and wants and needs. That’s why I feel the need to act alone about some things, take charge, take control and manipulate certain situations. Who the hell will get me where I wanna go other than myself? Haayy. Fuck me.

Now let me get back to how I’m changing and not actually liking any of it…

I don’t really like me right now. I might pretend that I do and that I’m so proud of what I’ve achieved (if ever I had any), and that I believe that I’m the most amazing person in the world right now, but none of them is true. I feel trashy. I feel lame. I feel dull. I’m so insecure and conscious. I’m so needy, so sensitive, so stupid, so doubtful, I feel so pathetic.

I’ve built this stupid wall around me when I was younger. I intend for it to keep out harmful things from possessing my body, my mind, and my spirit. It made me safe for a time but as I grow older, I realized that I had to break this wall to be able to enjoy and live life to the fullest. Try as we might, we can’t always stay on the safe side, right? Somewhere, sometime our walls are bound to crumble to expose us to the real world.

I enjoyed taking risks. I learned a lot of lessons by being stupid. And I met many people who influenced me and made me see different life scenarios and I kind of learned from them too. All of these things had their part in changing me, or rather making me see to who I really am... Pushing me into the depths of my inner self and making me recognize what I can be, who I could be, and what I can do with what I have.

Unfortunately, the more I get in touch with my real self and the more I rip off this mask (or these masks) that separates me from the world as it is, the more I see that I’m still as fragile and insecure as this stupid girl I’ve known since childhood.

It’s so weird.  I changed but still stayed the same. Fuck this post. I ain’t even making sense.

So anyway… I realized that this stupid wall I built to keep me safe from this corrupt, dangerous world wasn’t really made to keep me from the world. Its actual purpose is to keep the world away from me. “I’m the bad guy, remember?” The bad girl, rather. Yes, you’re right, I’m the sore thumb. And the black sheep. And the evil amongst all evil. Haay.

I'm more fucked up than ever, I’m still as damaged, I still need saving, but I became more dangerous. I’m not your pretty little damsel in distress anymore. I’m more of a cruel, selfish bitch now… But still in distress and incapable of saving herself. Hah. San ka pa? Ako na talaga. Ako na talaga sisira ng buhay mo, yun lang yun.

Sabi na nga ba eh, I should’ve killed myself when I had the chance. Hahaha. Shet. Emo pa din? Well, yeah. I told you I changed for the worst.

This makes me so sad. I don’t deserve anyone. 

Monday, 12 November 2012

Busy Bee, Busy Me

Well. It’s been a while. And I can’t actually say that I miss writing because I really didn’t. I used to love it a lot. I guess I just really don’t have time for it right now. Or because I now keep a walking journal that is my beloved counterpart, Ken.

So…

My life kinda made a sudden turn since I got a job in the HR department in UP. A lot of changes and adjustments had to be done and I can’t say that they’re for the better nor I am enjoying it. I mean, I love having a job... Any job as long as I know I’m earning money and that I’m not wasting time sitting idly in our house waiting for something exciting to come up. I like to think that I’m doing it for experience and for future references but I just like having my own money, really. Heehee.

BUT. I was never a morning person and I really hate getting up super early in the morning to prepare and make myself look normal or presentable as best as I can. I hate the fact that working people should spend at least 8hrs a day with strangers doing boring office stuff they hate. I hate worrying if I was gonna be late and if I would only do something stupid and embarrass myself. And I also hate it that I don’t have much time for myself. I don’t even have time to cut my nails, for chrissake. Chos. OA. I am having a hard time dealing with school stuff, too. Fuck school and my studies, though. I never really really cared about it. Lol. But most importantly, I hate spending less time with the person I love the most.

I thought having a job will bring out a positive change in me but so far, it’s such a disappointment. Not that my job sucks… It’s just not helping me become a better person… yet. Wala pa ‘kong one month, ganito na agad? Taas lang ng expectations. Haha. Okay… Let’s give it more time.

More time with the job, less time with Ken, though. Ugh. You really have to choose sometimes, noh? But I don’t! Never. I can always juggle two things at once... I think. Aside from my eight hours in the office, all my time is already for Ken. It’s just that he can’t really meet me after office hours. Which sucks. Haay. We’ve been compromising a lot and looking for more ways para bumawi sa isa’t isa. But it’s still super hard. And I’ve been undergoing more stress lately dahil don. Di pa kasama acads ko niyan ah. I’m just glad and super grateful that he’s trying to be more patient and understanding with what I’m doing. And with me, too, considering that I’m still a pain in the ass and it seems like I’m the one who’s demanding more from him pa.

I’m still confused and I really don’t know what I wanna be or what I wanna do yet. I kinda like the idea of working in UP with all the benefits it provides but I can’t really see myself living like this. I’ve been living and studying in UP all my life and now I’m working in UP. Am I gonna die here? Hahaha.

I can’t really handle and balance several aspects of my life right now and I still don’t get the point of it all. Am I in the right path? Is this what I’m destined to do? Am I choosing the right choices? I really have no idea. I’m so clueless, I can’t even think. As in I can’t think. I feel like a stupid machine. Or a zombie.

I can see myself doing this (whatever I’m doing right now) in the future and being utterly depressed because I know I won’t be able to survive life like this. This is just not me. My carefree, easy going self is being stripped off me. I don’t feel like myself anymore. I don’t know if this is just part of growing up and thinking like an adult… But if it is… Fuck. I’m out.

****

If it were up to me, I’d just lie with Ken on the bed forever and ever. At least I am sure I’ll never get tired of that. He’s the only part of me, my present, my life and my future that keeps me hopeful, positive, dreamy, in love and alive. Really, really. Haayy. 

Monday, 17 September 2012

I love you, B-ber!

Our dog B-ber just died. They found him this morning so I suppose he died last night. And I guess it’s sort of a good thing that I didn’t have to look at him lying dead on the ground since they buried him immediately. I wouldn't be able to take it. I'm sure I'd breakdown.

I keep on wondering if I was still awake when he heaved his last breath. I don’t remember any noise or disturbances that would indicate his death. I can’t even say for sure if I heard or imagined any noise or something.

Writing about his death sucks. It’s just so sad. I’m not sure if I should really make a big deal out of it, but it is a big deal! He was obviously sick for a few weeks but we assumed it wasn’t really something serious. When the cat got sick he was so sick and thin and deathly that we assumed he’d die. But he (the cat) didn’t. Maybe cats really have nine lives.

I feel so guilty I didn’t do anything to make B-ber feel better. I feel so bad; my chest feels heavy, really. I keep on thinking about him being so active, running around, trying to bite me, playing with me, and sort of scaring me off. I miss him so much already. But I kinda feel like I have no right to miss him because I didn’t do anything about his sickness. All I did was pray that he’d get better, and as you can see it didn’t work. Fuck this.

I guess I just have to carry this guilt for the rest of my life. I’m glad he didn’t have to suffer anymore with us, though. I wonder if his mom, Bam, misses him… Doesn’t seem like it. 

I couldn’t bring myself to cry yet… Maybe later. I feel some kind of emptiness inside me. The panicky feeling of knowing you just lost something is somewhere in the corners of my heart weighing me down. And I can’t do anything about it right now. I’m left with this strange misery. I feel so bitter that I don't wanna love or care for any pet starting today aside from the two we still have.

Life is so unfair. And I am so pathetic. This is one of those moments that I hate the fact that I have feelings. I’d give anything in the world to be as frigid as a lamp post right now.

Life sucks.

As morbid as it is, here's a picture I took during B-ber's last days. *cries*

Monday, 10 September 2012

Say Thank You

"Your assumptions about the lives of others are in direct relation to your naïve pomposity. Many people you believe to be rich are not rich. Many people you think have it easy worked hard for what they got. Many people who seem to be gliding right along have suffered and are suffering. Many people who appear to you to be old and stupidly saddled down with kids and cars and houses were once every bit as hip and pompous as you.

When you meet a man in the doorway of a Mexican restaurant who later kisses you while explaining that this kiss doesn’t ‘mean anything’ because, much as he likes you, he is not interested in having a relationship with you or anyone right now, just laugh and kiss him back. Your daughter will have his sense of humor. Your son will have his eyes.

The useless days will add up to something. The shitty waitressing jobs. The hours writing in your journal. The long meandering walks. The hours reading poetry and story collections
and novels and dead people’s diaries and wondering about sex and God and whether you should shave under your arms or not. These things are your becoming.

One Christmas at the very beginning of your twenties when your mother gives you a warm coat that she saved for months to buy, don’t look at her skeptically after she tells you she thought the coat was perfect for you. Don’t hold it up and say it’s longer than you like your coats to be and too puffy and possibly even too warm. Your mother will be dead by spring. That coat will be the last gift she gave you. You will regret the small thing you didn’t say for the rest of your life."

-- Cheryl Strayed (source)

Sunday, 19 August 2012

Missing Photos

Haaaayy. Unfortunately, all photos I posted on this blog disappeared when I deleted my original and first ever Google account. Sucks. Haayy... Since I'm too lazy to edit the posts with the missing pictures, I'll just leave them that way. But I'll take time to replace the special posts with meaningful photos. I'll just have to check them one by one and decide which pictures to restore. Epal.

Wednesday, 1 August 2012

Am I growing up or just going down?

Probably going down… in circles.

“You say you need someone.
Well, everybody does. I’m no different than you; I just believe what I do.
You point your finger at everyone but yourself
and blame the ones that you love...”

My life’s a big fucked up cycle filled with stupid fucked up habits I can’t seem to break. I can only be who I am, I know, but I don’t like who I am anymore. No matter what I do, I’m still in this fucked up place I’ve been trying so hard to get away from.

I need to pull my shit together (again) and focus on the more important things in life other than myself. I can’t mold the world and pattern it to my own reality and desire. I know some people who have done that and ended up either on the grave or in a mental institution.

“What do I stand for? Most nights I don’t know anymore.”

I need to walk these talks and depend on myself and really, really pull my shit together seriously. I’m pretty sure there’ll be no bright future for me if I didn’t act on it now.

Psshh. Easier said than done. As always.

Monday, 9 July 2012

I Once Dated A Writer and

Writers are forgetful,
but they remember everything.
They forget appointments and anniversaries,
but remember what you wore,
how you smelled,
on your first date…
They remember every story you’ve ever told them -
like ever,
but forget what you’ve just said.
They don’t remember to water the plants
or take out the trash,
but they don’t forget how
to make you laugh.

Writers are forgetful
because
they’re busy
remembering
the important things.

SOURCE

Disclaimer: I did nott write this piece. I just saw this on Tumblr and decided to share this on this blog because I really like it. And my boyfriend often accuse me of being forgetful. Teehee. If anyone here knows who wrote this, kindly share that information to me so I could praise her/him directly. Thanks!

Wednesday, 4 July 2012

You Are Tired, (I think)

by e.e. cummings

You are tired,

(I think)

Of the always puzzle of living and doing;

And so am I.

Come with me, then,

And we’ll leave it far and far away—

(Only you and I, understand!)

You have played,

(I think)

And broke the toys you were fondest of,

And are a little tired now;

Tired of things that break, and—

Just tired.

So am I.

But I come with a dream in my eyes tonight,

And I knock with a rose at the hopeless gate of your heart—

Open to me!

For I will show you places Nobody knows,

And, if you like,

The perfect places of Sleep.

Ah, come with me!

I’ll blow you that wonderful bubble, the moon,

That floats forever and a day;

I’ll sing you the jacinth song

Of the probable stars;

I will attempt the unstartled steppes of dream,

Until I find the Only Flower,

Which shall keep (I think) your little heart

While the moon comes out of the sea.

Friday, 29 June 2012

8 Ways to Destroy a Relationship

1. Be abusive: As well as physical abuse, this includes put-downs, sarcasm, negative comments, withholding affection, stonewalling, refusing to talk, and repeatedly threatening to leave the relationship.

2. Be defensive: Individuals who are always on the defensive are so wrapped up in protecting themselves that they rarely grow in their relationships. They won’t admit that they have faults and so end up committing the same mistakes again and again. This eventually destroys the relationship.

3. Be critical: While there’s a place for the occasional critical remark, if you’re always complaining and pointing out their flaws then you’ll soon undermine your partner’s self-esteem. In all areas of life, a critical person is an unattractive person.

4. Be always right: If you’re always right, the other person’s always wrong – and who wants to feel that they have nothing to contribute, or their point of view is stupid, unwanted and wrong.

5. Be narcissistic and selfish: The person who always has to have their own way, or who’s only interested in their own needs and desire has little to add to a relationship.

6. Be dishonest: Trust is at the heart of all good relationships. If you can’t be real and honest, or are not dependable, then there’s no foundation for a strong relationship. This includes being unfaithful or hiding the whole truth.

7. Be superior: If you’re quick to judge others or to put people down, or you think that you are better than everybody else (more intelligent, prettier, cooler etc) then you’re setting yourself up for a lifetime of heartache. For although we all have strengths, and we may excel at times, each person is unique and is worthy of respect.

8. Be controlling: A relationship’s a gift. That person’s not your property. They’re allowed to be themselves, with their own views and beliefs. They don’t answer to you; they don’t have to change themselves; they’re autonomous and free – they’re not there to be controlled.


Source  (via Tumblr)


I can't believe we're trying to destroy our relationship. Wow.

Wednesday, 6 June 2012

Words

by Anne Sexton

Be careful of words,
even the miraculous ones.
For the miraculous we do our best,
sometimes they swarm like insects
and leave not a sting but a kiss.
They can be as good as fingers.
They can be as trusty as the rock
you stick your bottom on.
But they can be both daisies and bruises.
Yet I am in love with words.
They are doves falling out of the ceiling.
They are six holy oranges sitting in my lap.
They are the trees, the legs of summer,
and the sun, its passionate face.
Yet often they fail me.
I have so much I want to say,
so many stories, images, proverbs, etc.
But the words aren't good enough,
the wrong ones kiss me.
Sometimes I fly like an eagle
but with the wings of a wren.
But I try to take care
and be gentle to them.
Words and eggs must be handled with care.
Once broken they are impossible
things to repair.

Saturday, 2 June 2012

Kahlil Gibran On Love

Then said Almitra, "Speak to us of Love." 
      And he raised his head and looked upon the people, and there fell a stillness upon them. And with a great voice he said:
      When love beckons to you follow him,
      Though his ways are hard and steep.
      And when his wings enfold you yield to him,
      Though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you. And when he speaks to you believe in him,
      Though his voice may shatter your dreams as the north wind lays waste the garden.
      For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you. Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning.
      Even as he ascends to your height and caresses your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun,
      So shall he descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the earth. Like sheaves of corn he gathers you unto himself.
      He threshes you to make you naked.
      He sifts you to free you from your husks.
      He grinds you to whiteness.
      He kneads you until you are pliant;
      And then he assigns you to his sacred fire, that you may become sacred bread for God's sacred feast.
      All these things shall love do unto you that you may know the secrets of your heart, and in that knowledge become a fragment of Life's heart.
      But if in your fear you would seek only love's peace and love's pleasure,
      Then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love's threshing-floor,
      Into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears.
      Love gives naught but itself and takes naught but from itself.
      Love possesses not nor would it be possessed; For love is sufficient unto love. When you love you should not say, "God is in my heart," but rather, I am in the heart of God."
      And think not you can direct the course of love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
      Love has no other desire but to fulfil itself.
      But if you love and must needs have desires, let these be your desires:
      To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night.
      To know the pain of too much tenderness.
      To be wounded by your own understanding of love;
      And to bleed willingly and joyfully.
      To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving;
      To rest at the noon hour and meditate love's ecstasy;
      To return home at eventide with gratitude;
      And then to sleep with a prayer for the beloved in your heart and a song of praise upon your lips. 

****

I remember reading The Prophet and feeling so saint-like and very enlightened. It was like I already have a great and honest view of life which makes me wanna live each day like I've already uncovered life's mysteries, like I already know everything so no one could ever bullshit me. And that no matter how many burdens I'd take, I'd definitely overcome them because of this so-called knowledge that I got from the book.

But then somewhere in the past I kinda lost it. Plus, reading doesn't necessarily make you bullet-proof. And experience really is the best teacher. No one should base their lives on books. Though it's always, always vital to feed our minds. Books are treasures. And writers, prophets. Not all but most of them, of course. 

Maybe I should read it again? Hey, I definitely would! I love Kahlil Gibran.

Thursday, 31 May 2012

Love Makes Me In/Sane + Goodbye, MAYhem!

♥ Super Cheesy Blogpost Alert!  ♥

May is my sexy boyfriend’s birthday month and believe me, it was an insane roller coaster ride!  Not that we went to EK or somewhere else. It’s just that whenever we’re together, some parts of us always, always collides in all possible directions. We can’t seem to merge our individual thoughts and feelings (I mean, who can?) so we always disagree on one too many things about our own mundane life, the relationship we share, and about this cold world of course.

It’s also our 20th month together. We almost broke up twice this month for chrissake. Ooh, the irony... Good thing though that he can never ever resist my sexy body me. Hihi. But! I would never let him go that easy, anyway. I won’t. I don’t want to. Never.

Compromise. Ken taught me that this word is one of the most important factors in keeping a relationship whole. I know deep in my heart that I already know this, so compromising wouldn’t be a huge deal since we’d always want the things that would make each other happy.

Being happy with the person I love is one of my top priorities (if not the ONLY one). But of course he has to be happy with me, too. When he’s happy, I’m happy. I just can’t understand how he can be happy hanging out with other people without me. I know, I know… I sound crazy, possessive, obsessive, and super dependent. But who cares? I know how to make my lover happy and no one could tell me otherwise. I know Im the only one he needs and I pride myself in that, really. I need him so much, too! And I have no shame in saying that... *awkward pause* Plus I’m a psycho girlfriend and he’s all mine. So screw you.

Wow, I sure have a lot of issues to deal with. Anyway…

After all our months together, I learned a lot of things.

And might enumerate them soon. Or not. Probably on our second anniversary! No, I don’t think we’d ever ever break up. Never. We’re seriously, honestly, head-over-heels in love with each other, you must be blind not to see that. We might not have a lot of pictures showing us kissing, cuddling, or ogling at each other, but they’re just pictures. And a picture paints a thousand words. Actors can look so in love in pictures without having any romantic relationship whatsoever. ‘Nuff said.

So I learned a lot of things by staying (in love) with the love of my life. And the fact that compromise can’t always be easily executed is one of them. I thought it would be easy. I thought we’d always want the same things. But we don’t. I doubt we’d always want ALL of what the other person wants. Sometimes it’s not just possible. You’d ALWAYS have something in common, though. And that will make your relationship stronger if you use it properly.

Sometimes even if you have the will to do something for your partner, the whole universe just won’t allow you to. There will always have a lot of obstacles in the way. Be it your parents, some other event, money, etc… But the most important thing is that you hold on with each other. You should face your battles together. You can only be either heroes or villains. In whatever case though, you should always fight beside your loved one and not against them.

No matter how much you disagree on some things, a more powerful force will keep you intact. Believe it or not, it’s called Love.

I almost made up my mind that whatever you do, Love isn’t always enough. I know I’ve heard/read it somewhere but since I don’t just believe in anything I hear/read, I know I have to experience it firsthand. And I did. That’s why I thought that it was true. I almost gave up the person I love and imagined what my miserable life would be without him…

But then I realized that I know this person. He’s the only one who knows me so well. He’s basically the reason I get up in the morning and sleep with a stupid-looking smile on my face every night. I love him so much that words or worlds could never amount to how much. My all-knowing-self assured me that we’re meant to spend the rest of our lives together and I can’t just let it slip away just because I was having a bad day, PMS-ing, or just too stupid to care or talk to anyone.
                                                                                                              
Love is enough. I can make it enough for the both of us, I will. I have so much love inside me. I feel inspiration in its most divine form flowing through my veins. I feel so much love for this person. And even if I don't show it sometimes, I could never let him go. Even if I feel like I have to move on with my life, I could never leave him behind. He’s my life. I love him so much.

Love is everything we’ll ever want it to be.  It destroys or creates. But it’s really up to us to determine the outcome. We just need that one person to stand by us no matter what… Someone who’d whisper in our ears how much they want to spend forever in our arms, lost in our kisses…

Someone like… My sweet, loving boyfriend. But I already told you guys, he’s MINE. So go look for your own. Shoo!

As much as we have a lot of fucking miscommunications and stupid disagreements during this month of mayhem, it would never compare to all the happy moments Ken and I shared. To be honest, during the first week of this month, in the middle of a huge fight, I thought I’d die right there and then. I just can’t lose the guy!

I’m so glad I didn’t. We kissed and made-up big time; fighting’s all part of the past. And even if we can’t really avoid that, I feel more secure about us right now. I trust him more (despite the occasional doubts). And I realized that he’s not perfect but so am I. I also promised him a lot of things and assured him about some issues but I’d just keep it from here. I just really really hope he believes me. I have too much faith in US. We just need to loosen up and enjoy life more. TOGETHER, duh. He's my happily ever after.

And come what may, I’d always be his greatest love. I still am. I’ll always be. See, confidence goes a long way, too. I also know that’s one of the reasons he finds me sexy. Haha!

That’s all for now. Anyway, there’ll be so many posts to come… ;)

Tuesday, 15 May 2012

Pole Dancer by Andrea Gibson

She pole-dances to gospel hymns.
Came out to her family in the middle of Thanksgiving grace.
I knew she was trouble
two years before our first date.
But my heart was a Labrador Retriever
with its head hung out the window of a car
tongue flapping in the wind
on a highway going 95
whenever she walked by.
So I mastered the art of crochet
and I crocheted her a winter scarf
and one night at the bar I gave it to her with a note
that said something like,
I hope this keeps your neck warm.
If it doesn’t give me a call.
The key to finding love
is fucking up the pattern on purpose
is skipping a stitch,
is leaving a tiny, tiny hole to let the cold in
and hoping she mends it with your lips.
This morning I was counting her freckles.
She has five on the left side of her face, seven on the other
and I love her for every speck of trouble she is.
She’s frickin’ awesome.
Like popcorn at a drive-in movie
that neither of us has any intention of watching.
Like Batman and Robin
in a pick-up truck in the front row with the windows steamed up.
Like Pacman in the eighties,
she swallows my ghosts.
Slaps me on my dark side and says,
“Baby, this is the best day ever.”
So I stop listening for the sound of the ocean
in the shells of bullets I hoped missed us
to see there are white flags from the tips of her toes
to her tear ducts
and I can wear her halos as handcuffs
‘cause I don’t wanna be a witness to this life,
I want to be charged and convicted,
ear lifted to her song like a bouquet of yes
because my heart is a parachute that has never opened in time
and I wanna fuck up that pattern,
leave a hole where the cold comes in and fill it every day with her sun,
‘cause anyone who has ever sat in lotus for more than a few seconds
knows it takes a hell of a lot more muscle to stay than to go.
And I want to grow
strong as the last patch of sage on a hillside
stretching towards the lightning.
God has always been an arsonist.
Heaven has always been on fire.
She is a butterfly knife bursting from a cocoon in my belly.
Love is a half moon hanging above Baghdad
promising to one day grow full,
to pull the tides through our desert wounds
and fill every clip of empty shells with the ocean.
Already there is salt on my lips.
Lover, this is not just another poem.
This is my goddamn revolution.
I am done holding my tongue like a bible.
There is too much war in every verse of our silence.
We have all dug too many trenches away from ourselves.
This time I want to melt like a snowman in Georgia,
‘til my smile is a pile of rocks you can pick up
and skip across the lake of your doubts.
Trust me,
I have been practicing my ripple.
I have been breaking into mannequin factories
and pouring my pink heart into their white paint.
I have been painting the night sky upon the inside of doorframes
so only moonshine will fall on your head in the earthquake.
I have been collecting your whispers and your whiplash
and your half-hour-long voice mail messages.
Lover, did you see the sunset tonight?
Did you see Neruda lay down on the horizon?
Do you know it was his lover who painted him red,
who made him stare down the bullet holes
in his country’s heart?
I am not looking for roses.
I want to break like a fever.
I want to break like the Berlin Wall.
I want to break like the clouds
so we can see every fearless star,
how they never speak guardrail,
how they can only say fall.



(Watch her recite this poem HERE ♥)


****


Andrea Gibson makes me feel something in my heart that I can't explain. It's almost divine, inspiring... Haaaayy. I can't even put the feeling into words. She makes me wanna write poems and read it to the person I love, so intense it would bring us both to tears. I'm in love!

Sunday, 22 April 2012

19th: A Certain Kind of Romance

I love you. But.

You bring out the worst in me. I’ve never been so angry with a person more than I ever was with you.  I could be so angry with you I could feel my hands tremble and my whole body shake. You make me think of, scream of, and come up with different kinds of cuss words I never even knew existed. You make me wanna die, so to speak. I often think of slapping you repeatedly on each cheek to unleash the darkness that’s in you when we argue. I wonder why you can’t just hold me and fill my face with kisses. Not that kisses and sweet words could instantly fix everything… But that’s a start. And you know what, you’re getting good at that as the days, weeks, and months pass.

You challenge how I view life. And love, especially. You help me see what’s real and what’s not even if that means grabbing me by the neck and pushing my face to the ground. (Exaggerated, fine.) You teach me lessons the hard way. And being my rebellious self, they’re really kinda hard for me to take. That’s why I don’t budge most of the time, but hey you already know that.

You make me wanna shake you until you faint, yet make sure that my kiss would still be the magic that would wake you up.

I know love isn’t just rainbows and butterflies… It’s more like heavy rainstorms and boogeyman. I know this is gonna be hard. With love comes hate. And pain, misery, anger, jealousy, etc. But there’s more to it than that, I know. And love will always, always, surpass them all.

This relationship’s been a fucking pain in the ass, lately… But.

But. I love you.

And we’re not just arguments and miscommunication. We are still one and we still possess and share something that only the two of us could ever comprehend. We might not make sense in other people’s perceptions but we don’t give a rat's ass. And if a time comes that it’d just be you and me against the world, then so be it. We know we’re ready for that.

You pull me up when I’m down, raise me up when I’m beaten, and clean up my spirit when it’s tattered. As cliché as it seems, you make me wanna be the best possible version of myself.

You see, I don’t go out prowling anymore. I now instantly wash the dishes without my mom asking me to. I clean every little mess in the house thinking that if you were me, you’d even do that gladly. You force me to look ahead in my future and picture a better life. For us, of course. And you know what, Ken; you’re the only person that could ever trigger that side of me. As small as they are, these deeds (and more) are changing me for the better. For you...

I liked living life one day at a time, disregarding where I might see myself when morning comes. But your love changed that. I realized I can enjoy every minute of my day with accordance to what I wanna achieve in the future (with you). You give me a positive outlook about what’s ahead. And that was something I often viewed only with glances saying to myself that I’m not yet ready for it. But as of now, I’m already looking forward to that dazzling life with you. It doesn’t even have to be dazzling. I know life with you is all I need. And as long as it’s with you, it’s gonna be amazing.

But I don’t just love you, Ken… I love you so much that the words I love you don’t and would never ever give justice to the immensity of this supreme feeling I feel for you.

It takes love, you, and me to stay together. Always and forever. As cheesy as this whole post sounds, I won’t let anything take you away from me. We’ve been through a lot in the past 19months and I won’t just let anything take this away; THIS being my whole life and love and self.

You have me in you as much as I have you in me. I live for US. I don’t care how destructive that might sound. I know it creates wonders in me as well. I’m sure I could only be happy in your arms. You are all I need and you’re exactly everything I would always want and have right now. And that actually makes me so blessed. What more could I ask for?

I know I couldn’t judge how you deal with me because only you know me best. And I don’t know if I could even deal with me if I weren’t me. So I very much admire and praise you for that.


We’re in this journey together and like all roller coaster rides, we will always have ups and downs, screaming and cursing, fear and excitements… But the best part about this ride is that YOU&I are together. And you could always hold my hand for as long as you want to.

I have so much to thank you for, Ken. But right now, let me just say THANK YOU for the most important matter… You.  Thank you so much for you, my one and only love...

I love you so much, Harold Kevin Legaspi Yoingco. You make me wanna live this wonderful life to the fullest. Happy 1 year and fucking crazy 7 months! There’s more to come so brace yourself… ;) *yaakaaaapp*

Thursday, 19 April 2012

A Certain Kind of Sadness

*breathe in*

The thing about loneliness is that when it hits you, there’s no way of getting out of it no matter how hard you shake it off.

I tried forcing myself to smile because I’ve read somewhere that doing so would somehow uplift your spirits. But why the hell isn’t that working for me?

Gotye’s Somebody That I used To Know says that we can get addicted to a certain kind of sadness. I’m not sure if I’m addicted to a kind of sadness right now or I just find it hard to be genuinely happy.

Even if I feel like I already got what I need, there’s still this void inside me that always pulls me down causing me to fall apart.

I can’t say that I’m incomplete. (Though I’m still jobless and I still don’t know which path to take…) I do feel loved by the people around me and I know they’re trying their best to have time for me, notice me, and give me the things I deserve or should be feeling.

I can’t say that I’m not happy since I know and I’m sure I’ve had fun times in this life. And I know I have no actual reason not to be. There are just times when I don’t know if I’m just forcing myself to be happy because I expect to be and other people want me to be happy. I don’t wanna drag people into this unhappiness because I know no one’s to blame… But me. They’re not causing me any problem but I’m the problem myself. It sucks to be me sometimes.

 Sige na, haters, you can now celebrate…

So, what else… Uhm… I feel like I’m not free to talk to other people about everything. They might take what I have to say the wrong way. Or they might feel like they are the wrong reasons behind it. Plus, I can’t share all my problems to other people without their own problems getting in the way.

I feel like no one’s really out there to listen listen. And I just need that right now. I need someone to listen to me nonstop without time getting in the way. Or sleep… I need someone to listen to all my nonsense rants with a couple of booze on the side, maybe? I dread of the day when I’d have to pay someone who would.  I’m actually considering it even when I was still in Baguio, I just don’t have the money.

Should I just depend on this blog or just shut the fuck up entirely and let all these thoughts and nondescript feelings consume me? It sucks to pour your heart out to a webpage but at least it lets you finish all your rants without interrupting.

Then a few days or even weeks after posting, your so-called friends would approach you, ask how you are, said they read your blog and how come they didn’t know you’re disturbed? Chos. They might actually be hurt for not finding out about it directly.

Sometimes we’re just so consumed in ourselves that we don’t really feel or notice what’s going on around us. I might be guilty of that as well. Hey, I admit it’s hard not to be self-centred especially when all you feel is your own emptiness, unhappiness and all those negative -nesses.

So… What’s the right thing to do? I don't really have a clue. Dear God, this world’s so fucked up.

*breathe out*

Sunday, 15 April 2012

Schooldays with a Pig

There’s this channel that has been so addicting for me, so far: SCREEN RED. I just learned tonight though that it is a sister channel of HBO or something. Hey, I don’t pay attention to commercial breaks that much. This channel showcases Asia’s best movies and I couldn’t agree more since the movies I’ve watched there (so far) satisfy my need to watch interesting movies on a daily basis.

Since I’m a fan, I’ve watched some mainstream or internationally acclaimed Asian films on DVD, the internet, and film festivals. It thrills me to see actors on different films playing different roles. It usually makes me say “Hey, I know that guy/girl from this or that movie.” And I kinda feel good watching them play another role aside from the first one I watched them in.

So anyway, I was watching School Days with a Pig with my siblings yesterday. I thought it was somehow a ridiculous film because who the hell raises a pig on their school grounds, name it P-Chan, and then eat it later? The main protagonists are grade six students so I was really wondering how I could ever relate to them and to the whole movie. Then I saw the class’ teacher. I remember seeing him in Villon’s Wife (which I watched in a Japanese Film Festival in UP Diliman last year) and Villain (probably the first movie I’ve ever watched on Screen Red). Aside from the fact that we don’t know what other movie we should watch, I find him cute and charming so we stuck to Schooldays with a Pig anyway. I googled him before I started this blog and found out that his name is, tadaaaah: Satoshi Tsumabuki.

My younger sister started crying in the part where in the class was debating whether or not they should stick to the first and actual plan regarding P-Chan the pig, which is eat it on graduation. The problem is that the class grew attached to the pig and considered it as one of their classmates and even their friend. They couldn’t bring themselves to kill it, not to mention eat it! It became so barbaric and in a sense “inhuman” to them. They considered handing the responsibility to incoming grade four students but they were too young and probably too small to handle such a healthy pig.

You guys should watch the film and hear the kids share their stands about what to do with P-Chan. They have a mature way of defending their sides; I sort of can’t believe they were just kids.

Excuse me for saying this but I stand with those students who wanted to kill and eat it. The pig looked so fat, healthy, and meaty; I don’t mind seeing it in my dining room table with an apple in its mouth. Oops. What are pigs for, anyway? If I was there and I didn’t decide on killing and eating it, I know other people will. I’d rather it died in my hands than on some jerks’ who doesn’t give a shit about it.

When my sister was crying, we were actually teasing her for crying over a pig. It’s a pig, for chrissake. We’re used to eating it and the recipes that people make are really appetizing.

So, we were teasing my sister and laughing about it until I cried too and it wasn’t that funny anymore. I can’t believe this movie that I thought was ridiculous actually made me cry. I never imagined myself crying over a pig, my God!

Anyway. It’s a good movie and it makes us realize the value of life and friendship. At the end of the movie, one would realize that it wasn’t just a pig, after all.

As humans, the only rational animal in the world, we are capable of giving value and meaning to the things around us be it living or non-living things. We make them important to us in ways that only we could ever understand. Other people might find us ridiculous or irrational for doing so but we know deep in our hearts why we cherish something or someone and keep its memory alive inside us forever. It doesn’t matter if it’s a ring, a diary, a flower, or a pig. What’s important is that it served/s a special function in our lives which makes it so hard to forget and let go of. We have a natural instinct to protect the ones we love and keep it beside us as long as time allows us to.


Why kill a very special, extraordinary pig if you could keep it forever?

****

Watch the trailer:


Tuesday, 10 April 2012

City Hunter!


City Hunter, a koreanovela popularized by ABS-CBN is now on its final week. After watching Monday’s episode, I decided that I cannot wait any longer and that I should finish watching the series tonight. And so I did. I googled it and found THIS WEBSITE. I spent about two to three hours watching the remaining episodes and simultaneously tweeting every goddamn emotion it made me feel; emotions that ranged from being overwhelmingly giddy and agonizingly sad. Siiiigh.

Oops… Spoiler alert!

I still can’t get over the fact that prosecutor Kim (Lee Jun Hyuk) died in Lee Yoon-Sung’s (Lee Min Ho, known as Johnny Lee in ABS-CBN’s version) arms. Why did he even have to die! *cries* Haaaay. Believe it or not, this was me while I was watching the scene and some of the remaining scenes after that:


Or even worse…

I’ll just use the name of the characters that Ch2 used since I find it hard to memorize Korean names. So anyway, the part where Johnny and Lee Jin Pyo (his “father”) were bloodily lying on the floor trying to reach for each other’s hands was so painfully sad that I wanted to shout and shake my computer’s monitor. I was so fucking depressed; I can’t help asking why the characters and the whole story have to reach that miserable point.

I’ve never felt this way about a Korean series until City Hunter. For me the whole show is so perfect it deserves a lot of recognition. Hey, it went in this blog!

Park Min Young as Kim Nana
I’m not a big fan of Park Min Young but she also did a good job as Kim Nana. She isn’t the typical leading lady who just expects a guy to save her from her lonely life. She learned how to stand in her own feet and acts against life’s hardships by herself. I think she appeared tough when she needed to, but could still be cute and flirty and charming. I admire that in a leading lady. She made the series extra appealing for me.

Lee Min Ho
Although the ending was quite less than what I expected and isn’t how I exactly wanted it to end, I certainly would watch City Hunter again. It still has four days to air on ABS-CBN and I swear I wouldn’t miss it. Although I know the next episodes would be painful, it’s still City Hunter and Lee Min Ho would still be there. Tee-hee. Isn’t he fucking gorgeous? I actually watched the show because of him.


PS. Ken, don't be jealous, we're just friends! :( :*

Sunday, 8 April 2012

TVD, Nina, Ian



The photo above (which I got from Tumblr) is so captivating. Nina Dobrev is fucking lucky. Aside from the fact that she’s dating Ian Somerhalder and that she’s got a gorgeous face and an amazing body; she’s got to play Elena and Katherine in my favourite vampire series ever: The VampireDiaries. The whole story revolves around her and a handful of men/vampires are going after her. Literally. Ikaw na! Enough said. I just really like this lady. And I can’t wait for the next episodes (and seasons) of TVD.  Hopefully I’d have copies of the books, in which the series was based, as well. 


Ian Fucking Somerhalder




Saturday, 7 April 2012

Nude Study (A Poem)


Found this on Tumblr. I can't find the main source, though.

Wednesday, 4 April 2012

Somewhere Down The Road

There’s this cat that lives along my street and I just couldn’t determine if it’s a good-looking cat or an ugly cat with an irritating face. I wasn’t able to check yet if it’s a he or a she. I’m assuming, though, that it’s a “he” since it is unusually handsome slash attractive in a disturbing way. But if I were a cat, I would probably check him out. Anyway, I would keep in my mind to take a photo of that feline the next time I saw it again so you guys could help me decide. “It” since its gender isn’t identified specifically for me yet.

However, the first time I saw it, I wasn’t able to contain my laughter. I thought it was ugly. It has a unique face, I’m telling you. One of a kind. That was the first time I ever saw a cat that looks like that. That was then, though. I kinda liked how it looked when Ken and I saw it earlier. He thought it was ugly as well, or at least that it has an odd face. What’s weird is that it stared at us and even made a few steps towards us while we were staring at it. It seemed to know that we were gossiping about him. Haha. Picture, next time, yes.

****

I'm currently on the first few pages of The Concise 48 Laws of Power and I kinda feel like the book’s teaching me to be selfish, greedy, and manipulative (not that I’m not yet those three). Lol. I’m enjoying the short stories/trivia written in red, though. It tells me a little about history or whatever.

I’m not sure how it could help me since I feel like I already know, deep in my heart, what it has to say. Heehee. (That’s my know-it-all self talking.) Anyway, my brother, Warren, just found this book somewhere along the streets in our area and even tried selling it to me for Php20. Poor thing. Chos. Of course I refused. I told him I’d just borrow the book since he should just keep it.

I think there’s a reason why it landed in our house. But I should probably search for the owner and return the book because by the writings on the front page; it was obvious that it was just a gift. And. Well… I think it’s bad luck to lose something that was just given to you.

So. I’d look for the owner of the book and (hopefully) return it as soon as I finish reading it. :P Hehe.

Wednesday, 28 March 2012

The Question

by Pablo Neruda

Love, a question
has destroyed you.

I have come back to you
from thorny uncertainty.

I want you straight as
the sword or the road.

But you insist
on keeping a nook
of shadow that I do not want.

My love,
understand me,
I love all of you,
from eyes to feet, to toenails,
inside,
all the brightness, which you kept.

It is I, my love,
who knocks at your door.
It is not the ghost, it is not
the one who once stopped
at your window.
I knock down the door:
I enter your life:
I come to live in your soul:
you cannot cope with me.

You must open door to door,
you must obey me,
you must open your eyes
so that I may search in them,
you must see how I walk
with heavy steps
along all the roads
that, blind, were waiting for me.

Do not fear,
I am yours,
but
I am not the passenger or the beggar,
I am your master,
the one you were waiting for,
and now I enter
your life,
no more to leave it,
love, love, love,
but to stay.

Monday, 26 March 2012

Untitled

We were holding hands a while ago. I don’t exactly know how many minutes have passed but we’re barely looking at each other now. I imagine us miles apart when only a few threads are separating me from you, really.

Have we gone mad?

****

I hate it that other people’s fucked up opinion matters and how it affects me.

****

“If you’re a bird, I’m a bird.”

“So it’s not gonna be easy. It’s gonna be really hard. And we’re gonna have to work at this every day, but I want to do that, because I want you. I want all of you, forever, you and me, every day.”

I now spend most of my waking life with you. There’s no hint of regret or complain there, mind you. I enjoy every second holding your hand and/or looking into your eyes. The way you smile and laugh is contagious. I’d give anything in the world to keep you exercising your facial muscles like that with me. Seeing you happy makes me happy.

Saturday, 24 March 2012

Ang Banidoso at ang Imahen

Ang Banidoso at ang Imahen
ni Joseph Casimiro

Ikaw ang akong humaharap sa ako.
Ako ang ikaw na humahanap sa tayo.
Ako at ikaw, ang tayo.
Tayo ang naghahanap sa ako.

**

I tried looking for the author on Facebook so I could ask his permission to post this here, but I have no idea who he is among the three that popped up. I googled him as well and sent an email but I haven't received any reply yet. I just really like this piece. And badly want to share it. Haay. Forgive me.

I got this from Heights Vol. LVI No. 3, the Guilty Pleasures Issue.

Wednesday, 7 March 2012

What If?

What if when I look at you, I don’t see you but see me instead?
What if through you, I see my beauty and monstrosity that is reflected in your eyes?
What if it’s just me that matters, and not even a strand of your hair?

What if when I look at you, I don’t see you but see me instead?
What if I love what I see in you, that is me, and not you?

Hate Me

What’s not to like? Well, recently I’m starting to think na marami. I used to think highly of myself even if I’m really kind of nothing or no one right now. I haven’t even done anything significant with my life especially regarding the people around me. I don’t feel alive, really. And that’s exactly why I haven’t posted anything noteworthy here recently. Wala ng nagyayare sa buhay ko. Ang stagnant. At ang tagal ng walang happening. Grabe lang. Pati maka pagblog post, pahirapan. I end up staring at a blank page even after a few hours. What the hell, diba. I feel so exhausted. I don’t wanna do anything about my life but complain. Now, why am I even sharing these things when they make me seem boring? Haay. Magdadalawang taon na kong ganito. Utang na loob.

I have all these ideas in my head but when it’s time to actually share them, write about them, or rather type them, they just vanish like a goddamn bubble. Writer’s block ba? O natatanga na talaga ko. Kakapanuod ata to ng mga teleseryeng out of this world, wala naman talagang message na hindi pa natin alam, nanguuto lang, at sinasayang oras natin. Haay. I wonder why I enjoy some of them though. Lol. Ayun nga, natatanga na kasi. Chos. At oha, di na ko makagawa ng paragraph na straight English. Nakakawalang gana lang talaga, grabe.

This post is turning out to be a cry for help. I’m not that pathetic pa naman… :( At least I think I’m not… yet. Hey, sabi nga ni Adam Levine, I’m not falling apart!

Anyway…

I started this post with a question; what’s not to like (about me, of course)? I really wanna answer that immediately. I feel like a lot of people hate me right now. And I don’t understand why since I know I’m such a lovely person and that if I were not me, I’d still want to be friends with me. O diba. Pero yun na yun eh. Yun na sagot sa tanong ko. Hehe. I’m such a conceited dumbass who doesn’t think much of other people. (WEH!) May natatapakan na pala ko, hindi pa ko aware. Parang ewan lang.  

I’m not just that, though. That’s just part of the package. I’m not actually an evil person who smirks at other people just for the sake of smirking. Hindi naman ako mababaw, believe it or not.     

I used to think na I’m allowed to say, blog, or tweet whatever I want to since this a free country. Well… It is. I know a lot of people don’t really care about what I have to say so that encouraged me more to go on blabbing about whatever that pops out of my mind. No one’s really paying attention. It’s just that when they do, they notice those that are actually negative. So in the end, ikaw pa yung masama or nakakatawa.

What the hell am I even talking about?! I’m not sure, really… I guess I just wanna say that we have no right to judge people by how we see them. I’m not saying I don’t judge a book by its cover. I do, sometimes… I believe that first impressions last. But it shouldn’t stop there. Looks can be deceiving. Intuition matters. And/But/Or. Why determine the personality of a person when you haven’t even talked to them for more than 10 minutes? Don’t base assumptions only on what we read, hear, or think of others. We gotta give them chance to prove themselves.

Haaay, Notes To Self? Anyway, I still have a lot to say but my head won’t let me. I can’t organize my thoughts. I feel deranged. Ang saklap ng buhay ko. Ang lungkot.

Thursday, 1 March 2012

Strange Little Girl

She seems so cool, so focused, so quiet, yet her eyes remain fixed upon the horizon.

You think you know all there is to know about her immediately upon meeting her, but everything you think you know is wrong. Passion flows through her like a river of blood.

She only looked away for a moment, and the mask slipped, and you fell. All your tomorrows start here.

****

“She is not waiting, not quite. It is more that the years mean nothing to her any more, that the dreams and the street cannot touch her.

She remains on the edges of time; implacable, unhurt, beyond, and one day you will open your eyes and see her, and after that, the dark.

It is not a reaping. Instead, she will pluck you, gently, like a feather, or a flower for her hair.”