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Sunday, 22 April 2012

19th: A Certain Kind of Romance

I love you. But.

You bring out the worst in me. I’ve never been so angry with a person more than I ever was with you.  I could be so angry with you I could feel my hands tremble and my whole body shake. You make me think of, scream of, and come up with different kinds of cuss words I never even knew existed. You make me wanna die, so to speak. I often think of slapping you repeatedly on each cheek to unleash the darkness that’s in you when we argue. I wonder why you can’t just hold me and fill my face with kisses. Not that kisses and sweet words could instantly fix everything… But that’s a start. And you know what, you’re getting good at that as the days, weeks, and months pass.

You challenge how I view life. And love, especially. You help me see what’s real and what’s not even if that means grabbing me by the neck and pushing my face to the ground. (Exaggerated, fine.) You teach me lessons the hard way. And being my rebellious self, they’re really kinda hard for me to take. That’s why I don’t budge most of the time, but hey you already know that.

You make me wanna shake you until you faint, yet make sure that my kiss would still be the magic that would wake you up.

I know love isn’t just rainbows and butterflies… It’s more like heavy rainstorms and boogeyman. I know this is gonna be hard. With love comes hate. And pain, misery, anger, jealousy, etc. But there’s more to it than that, I know. And love will always, always, surpass them all.

This relationship’s been a fucking pain in the ass, lately… But.

But. I love you.

And we’re not just arguments and miscommunication. We are still one and we still possess and share something that only the two of us could ever comprehend. We might not make sense in other people’s perceptions but we don’t give a rat's ass. And if a time comes that it’d just be you and me against the world, then so be it. We know we’re ready for that.

You pull me up when I’m down, raise me up when I’m beaten, and clean up my spirit when it’s tattered. As cliché as it seems, you make me wanna be the best possible version of myself.

You see, I don’t go out prowling anymore. I now instantly wash the dishes without my mom asking me to. I clean every little mess in the house thinking that if you were me, you’d even do that gladly. You force me to look ahead in my future and picture a better life. For us, of course. And you know what, Ken; you’re the only person that could ever trigger that side of me. As small as they are, these deeds (and more) are changing me for the better. For you...

I liked living life one day at a time, disregarding where I might see myself when morning comes. But your love changed that. I realized I can enjoy every minute of my day with accordance to what I wanna achieve in the future (with you). You give me a positive outlook about what’s ahead. And that was something I often viewed only with glances saying to myself that I’m not yet ready for it. But as of now, I’m already looking forward to that dazzling life with you. It doesn’t even have to be dazzling. I know life with you is all I need. And as long as it’s with you, it’s gonna be amazing.

But I don’t just love you, Ken… I love you so much that the words I love you don’t and would never ever give justice to the immensity of this supreme feeling I feel for you.

It takes love, you, and me to stay together. Always and forever. As cheesy as this whole post sounds, I won’t let anything take you away from me. We’ve been through a lot in the past 19months and I won’t just let anything take this away; THIS being my whole life and love and self.

You have me in you as much as I have you in me. I live for US. I don’t care how destructive that might sound. I know it creates wonders in me as well. I’m sure I could only be happy in your arms. You are all I need and you’re exactly everything I would always want and have right now. And that actually makes me so blessed. What more could I ask for?

I know I couldn’t judge how you deal with me because only you know me best. And I don’t know if I could even deal with me if I weren’t me. So I very much admire and praise you for that.


We’re in this journey together and like all roller coaster rides, we will always have ups and downs, screaming and cursing, fear and excitements… But the best part about this ride is that YOU&I are together. And you could always hold my hand for as long as you want to.

I have so much to thank you for, Ken. But right now, let me just say THANK YOU for the most important matter… You.  Thank you so much for you, my one and only love...

I love you so much, Harold Kevin Legaspi Yoingco. You make me wanna live this wonderful life to the fullest. Happy 1 year and fucking crazy 7 months! There’s more to come so brace yourself… ;) *yaakaaaapp*

Thursday, 19 April 2012

A Certain Kind of Sadness

*breathe in*

The thing about loneliness is that when it hits you, there’s no way of getting out of it no matter how hard you shake it off.

I tried forcing myself to smile because I’ve read somewhere that doing so would somehow uplift your spirits. But why the hell isn’t that working for me?

Gotye’s Somebody That I used To Know says that we can get addicted to a certain kind of sadness. I’m not sure if I’m addicted to a kind of sadness right now or I just find it hard to be genuinely happy.

Even if I feel like I already got what I need, there’s still this void inside me that always pulls me down causing me to fall apart.

I can’t say that I’m incomplete. (Though I’m still jobless and I still don’t know which path to take…) I do feel loved by the people around me and I know they’re trying their best to have time for me, notice me, and give me the things I deserve or should be feeling.

I can’t say that I’m not happy since I know and I’m sure I’ve had fun times in this life. And I know I have no actual reason not to be. There are just times when I don’t know if I’m just forcing myself to be happy because I expect to be and other people want me to be happy. I don’t wanna drag people into this unhappiness because I know no one’s to blame… But me. They’re not causing me any problem but I’m the problem myself. It sucks to be me sometimes.

 Sige na, haters, you can now celebrate…

So, what else… Uhm… I feel like I’m not free to talk to other people about everything. They might take what I have to say the wrong way. Or they might feel like they are the wrong reasons behind it. Plus, I can’t share all my problems to other people without their own problems getting in the way.

I feel like no one’s really out there to listen listen. And I just need that right now. I need someone to listen to me nonstop without time getting in the way. Or sleep… I need someone to listen to all my nonsense rants with a couple of booze on the side, maybe? I dread of the day when I’d have to pay someone who would.  I’m actually considering it even when I was still in Baguio, I just don’t have the money.

Should I just depend on this blog or just shut the fuck up entirely and let all these thoughts and nondescript feelings consume me? It sucks to pour your heart out to a webpage but at least it lets you finish all your rants without interrupting.

Then a few days or even weeks after posting, your so-called friends would approach you, ask how you are, said they read your blog and how come they didn’t know you’re disturbed? Chos. They might actually be hurt for not finding out about it directly.

Sometimes we’re just so consumed in ourselves that we don’t really feel or notice what’s going on around us. I might be guilty of that as well. Hey, I admit it’s hard not to be self-centred especially when all you feel is your own emptiness, unhappiness and all those negative -nesses.

So… What’s the right thing to do? I don't really have a clue. Dear God, this world’s so fucked up.

*breathe out*

Sunday, 15 April 2012

Schooldays with a Pig

There’s this channel that has been so addicting for me, so far: SCREEN RED. I just learned tonight though that it is a sister channel of HBO or something. Hey, I don’t pay attention to commercial breaks that much. This channel showcases Asia’s best movies and I couldn’t agree more since the movies I’ve watched there (so far) satisfy my need to watch interesting movies on a daily basis.

Since I’m a fan, I’ve watched some mainstream or internationally acclaimed Asian films on DVD, the internet, and film festivals. It thrills me to see actors on different films playing different roles. It usually makes me say “Hey, I know that guy/girl from this or that movie.” And I kinda feel good watching them play another role aside from the first one I watched them in.

So anyway, I was watching School Days with a Pig with my siblings yesterday. I thought it was somehow a ridiculous film because who the hell raises a pig on their school grounds, name it P-Chan, and then eat it later? The main protagonists are grade six students so I was really wondering how I could ever relate to them and to the whole movie. Then I saw the class’ teacher. I remember seeing him in Villon’s Wife (which I watched in a Japanese Film Festival in UP Diliman last year) and Villain (probably the first movie I’ve ever watched on Screen Red). Aside from the fact that we don’t know what other movie we should watch, I find him cute and charming so we stuck to Schooldays with a Pig anyway. I googled him before I started this blog and found out that his name is, tadaaaah: Satoshi Tsumabuki.

My younger sister started crying in the part where in the class was debating whether or not they should stick to the first and actual plan regarding P-Chan the pig, which is eat it on graduation. The problem is that the class grew attached to the pig and considered it as one of their classmates and even their friend. They couldn’t bring themselves to kill it, not to mention eat it! It became so barbaric and in a sense “inhuman” to them. They considered handing the responsibility to incoming grade four students but they were too young and probably too small to handle such a healthy pig.

You guys should watch the film and hear the kids share their stands about what to do with P-Chan. They have a mature way of defending their sides; I sort of can’t believe they were just kids.

Excuse me for saying this but I stand with those students who wanted to kill and eat it. The pig looked so fat, healthy, and meaty; I don’t mind seeing it in my dining room table with an apple in its mouth. Oops. What are pigs for, anyway? If I was there and I didn’t decide on killing and eating it, I know other people will. I’d rather it died in my hands than on some jerks’ who doesn’t give a shit about it.

When my sister was crying, we were actually teasing her for crying over a pig. It’s a pig, for chrissake. We’re used to eating it and the recipes that people make are really appetizing.

So, we were teasing my sister and laughing about it until I cried too and it wasn’t that funny anymore. I can’t believe this movie that I thought was ridiculous actually made me cry. I never imagined myself crying over a pig, my God!

Anyway. It’s a good movie and it makes us realize the value of life and friendship. At the end of the movie, one would realize that it wasn’t just a pig, after all.

As humans, the only rational animal in the world, we are capable of giving value and meaning to the things around us be it living or non-living things. We make them important to us in ways that only we could ever understand. Other people might find us ridiculous or irrational for doing so but we know deep in our hearts why we cherish something or someone and keep its memory alive inside us forever. It doesn’t matter if it’s a ring, a diary, a flower, or a pig. What’s important is that it served/s a special function in our lives which makes it so hard to forget and let go of. We have a natural instinct to protect the ones we love and keep it beside us as long as time allows us to.


Why kill a very special, extraordinary pig if you could keep it forever?

****

Watch the trailer:


Tuesday, 10 April 2012

City Hunter!


City Hunter, a koreanovela popularized by ABS-CBN is now on its final week. After watching Monday’s episode, I decided that I cannot wait any longer and that I should finish watching the series tonight. And so I did. I googled it and found THIS WEBSITE. I spent about two to three hours watching the remaining episodes and simultaneously tweeting every goddamn emotion it made me feel; emotions that ranged from being overwhelmingly giddy and agonizingly sad. Siiiigh.

Oops… Spoiler alert!

I still can’t get over the fact that prosecutor Kim (Lee Jun Hyuk) died in Lee Yoon-Sung’s (Lee Min Ho, known as Johnny Lee in ABS-CBN’s version) arms. Why did he even have to die! *cries* Haaaay. Believe it or not, this was me while I was watching the scene and some of the remaining scenes after that:


Or even worse…

I’ll just use the name of the characters that Ch2 used since I find it hard to memorize Korean names. So anyway, the part where Johnny and Lee Jin Pyo (his “father”) were bloodily lying on the floor trying to reach for each other’s hands was so painfully sad that I wanted to shout and shake my computer’s monitor. I was so fucking depressed; I can’t help asking why the characters and the whole story have to reach that miserable point.

I’ve never felt this way about a Korean series until City Hunter. For me the whole show is so perfect it deserves a lot of recognition. Hey, it went in this blog!

Park Min Young as Kim Nana
I’m not a big fan of Park Min Young but she also did a good job as Kim Nana. She isn’t the typical leading lady who just expects a guy to save her from her lonely life. She learned how to stand in her own feet and acts against life’s hardships by herself. I think she appeared tough when she needed to, but could still be cute and flirty and charming. I admire that in a leading lady. She made the series extra appealing for me.

Lee Min Ho
Although the ending was quite less than what I expected and isn’t how I exactly wanted it to end, I certainly would watch City Hunter again. It still has four days to air on ABS-CBN and I swear I wouldn’t miss it. Although I know the next episodes would be painful, it’s still City Hunter and Lee Min Ho would still be there. Tee-hee. Isn’t he fucking gorgeous? I actually watched the show because of him.


PS. Ken, don't be jealous, we're just friends! :( :*

Sunday, 8 April 2012

TVD, Nina, Ian



The photo above (which I got from Tumblr) is so captivating. Nina Dobrev is fucking lucky. Aside from the fact that she’s dating Ian Somerhalder and that she’s got a gorgeous face and an amazing body; she’s got to play Elena and Katherine in my favourite vampire series ever: The VampireDiaries. The whole story revolves around her and a handful of men/vampires are going after her. Literally. Ikaw na! Enough said. I just really like this lady. And I can’t wait for the next episodes (and seasons) of TVD.  Hopefully I’d have copies of the books, in which the series was based, as well. 


Ian Fucking Somerhalder




Saturday, 7 April 2012

Nude Study (A Poem)


Found this on Tumblr. I can't find the main source, though.

Wednesday, 4 April 2012

Somewhere Down The Road

There’s this cat that lives along my street and I just couldn’t determine if it’s a good-looking cat or an ugly cat with an irritating face. I wasn’t able to check yet if it’s a he or a she. I’m assuming, though, that it’s a “he” since it is unusually handsome slash attractive in a disturbing way. But if I were a cat, I would probably check him out. Anyway, I would keep in my mind to take a photo of that feline the next time I saw it again so you guys could help me decide. “It” since its gender isn’t identified specifically for me yet.

However, the first time I saw it, I wasn’t able to contain my laughter. I thought it was ugly. It has a unique face, I’m telling you. One of a kind. That was the first time I ever saw a cat that looks like that. That was then, though. I kinda liked how it looked when Ken and I saw it earlier. He thought it was ugly as well, or at least that it has an odd face. What’s weird is that it stared at us and even made a few steps towards us while we were staring at it. It seemed to know that we were gossiping about him. Haha. Picture, next time, yes.

****

I'm currently on the first few pages of The Concise 48 Laws of Power and I kinda feel like the book’s teaching me to be selfish, greedy, and manipulative (not that I’m not yet those three). Lol. I’m enjoying the short stories/trivia written in red, though. It tells me a little about history or whatever.

I’m not sure how it could help me since I feel like I already know, deep in my heart, what it has to say. Heehee. (That’s my know-it-all self talking.) Anyway, my brother, Warren, just found this book somewhere along the streets in our area and even tried selling it to me for Php20. Poor thing. Chos. Of course I refused. I told him I’d just borrow the book since he should just keep it.

I think there’s a reason why it landed in our house. But I should probably search for the owner and return the book because by the writings on the front page; it was obvious that it was just a gift. And. Well… I think it’s bad luck to lose something that was just given to you.

So. I’d look for the owner of the book and (hopefully) return it as soon as I finish reading it. :P Hehe.