The thing about loneliness is that when it hits you, there’s no way of getting out of it no matter how hard you shake it off.
I tried forcing myself to smile because I’ve read somewhere that doing so would somehow uplift your spirits. But why the hell isn’t that working for me?
Gotye’s Somebody That I used To Know says that we can get addicted to a certain kind of sadness. I’m not sure if I’m addicted to a kind of sadness right now or I just find it hard to be genuinely happy.
Even if I feel like I already got what I need, there’s still this void inside me that always pulls me down causing me to fall apart.
I can’t say that I’m incomplete. (Though I’m still jobless and I still don’t know which path to take…) I do feel loved by the people around me and I know they’re trying their best to have time for me, notice me, and give me the things I deserve or should be feeling.
I can’t say that I’m not happy since I know and I’m sure I’ve had fun times in this life. And I know I have no actual reason not to be. There are just times when I don’t know if I’m just forcing myself to be happy because I expect to be and other people want me to be happy. I don’t wanna drag people into this unhappiness because I know no one’s to blame… But me. They’re not causing me any problem but I’m the problem myself. It sucks to be me sometimes.
Sige na, haters, you can now celebrate…
So, what else… Uhm… I feel like I’m not free to talk to other people about everything. They might take what I have to say the wrong way. Or they might feel like they are the wrong reasons behind it. Plus, I can’t share all my problems to other people without their own problems getting in the way.
I feel like no one’s really out there to listen listen. And I just need that right now. I need someone to listen to me nonstop without time getting in the way. Or sleep… I need someone to listen to all my nonsense rants with a couple of booze on the side, maybe? I dread of the day when I’d have to pay someone who would. I’m actually considering it even when I was still in Baguio, I just don’t have the money.
Should I just depend on this blog or just shut the fuck up entirely and let all these thoughts and nondescript feelings consume me? It sucks to pour your heart out to a webpage but at least it lets you finish all your rants without interrupting.
Then a few days or even weeks after posting, your so-called friends would approach you, ask how you are, said they read your blog and how come they didn’t know you’re disturbed? Chos. They might actually be hurt for not finding out about it directly.
Sometimes we’re just so consumed in ourselves that we don’t really feel or notice what’s going on around us. I might be guilty of that as well. Hey, I admit it’s hard not to be self-centred especially when all you feel is your own emptiness, unhappiness and all those negative -nesses.
So… What’s the right thing to do? I don't really have a clue. Dear God, this world’s so fucked up.