Monday, 12 November 2012
Well. It’s been a while. And I can’t actually say that I miss writing because I really didn’t. I used to love it a lot. I guess I just really don’t have time for it right now. Or because I now keep a walking journal that is my beloved counterpart, Ken.
My life kinda made a sudden turn since I got a job in the HR department in UP. A lot of changes and adjustments had to be done and I can’t say that they’re for the better nor I am enjoying it. I mean, I love having a job... Any job as long as I know I’m earning money and that I’m not wasting time sitting idly in our house waiting for something exciting to come up. I like to think that I’m doing it for experience and for future references but I just like having my own money, really. Heehee.
BUT. I was never a morning person and I really hate getting up super early in the morning to prepare and make myself look normal or presentable as best as I can. I hate the fact that working people should spend at least 8hrs a day with strangers doing boring office stuff they hate. I hate worrying if I was gonna be late and if I would only do something stupid and embarrass myself. And I also hate it that I don’t have much time for myself. I don’t even have time to cut my nails, for chrissake. Chos. OA. I am having a hard time dealing with school stuff, too. Fuck school and my studies, though. I never really really cared about it. Lol. But most importantly, I hate spending less time with the person I love the most.
I thought having a job will bring out a positive change in me but so far, it’s such a disappointment. Not that my job sucks… It’s just not helping me become a better person… yet. Wala pa ‘kong one month, ganito na agad? Taas lang ng expectations. Haha. Okay… Let’s give it more time.
More time with the job, less time with Ken, though. Ugh. You really have to choose sometimes, noh? But I don’t! Never. I can always juggle two things at once... I think. Aside from my eight hours in the office, all my time is already for Ken. It’s just that he can’t really meet me after office hours. Which sucks. Haay. We’ve been compromising a lot and looking for more ways para bumawi sa isa’t isa. But it’s still super hard. And I’ve been undergoing more stress lately dahil don. Di pa kasama acads ko niyan ah. I’m just glad and super grateful that he’s trying to be more patient and understanding with what I’m doing. And with me, too, considering that I’m still a pain in the ass and it seems like I’m the one who’s demanding more from him pa.
I’m still confused and I really don’t know what I wanna be or what I wanna do yet. I kinda like the idea of working in UP with all the benefits it provides but I can’t really see myself living like this. I’ve been living and studying in UP all my life and now I’m working in UP. Am I gonna die here? Hahaha.
I can’t really handle and balance several aspects of my life right now and I still don’t get the point of it all. Am I in the right path? Is this what I’m destined to do? Am I choosing the right choices? I really have no idea. I’m so clueless, I can’t even think. As in I can’t think. I feel like a stupid machine. Or a zombie.
I can see myself doing this (whatever I’m doing right now) in the future and being utterly depressed because I know I won’t be able to survive life like this. This is just not me. My carefree, easy going self is being stripped off me. I don’t feel like myself anymore. I don’t know if this is just part of growing up and thinking like an adult… But if it is… Fuck. I’m out.
If it were up to me, I’d just lie with Ken on the bed forever and ever. At least I am sure I’ll never get tired of that. He’s the only part of me, my present, my life and my future that keeps me hopeful, positive, dreamy, in love and alive. Really, really. Haayy.
Posted by Lea Andrea B. Mauro at 12:07 am