Sunday, 23 December 2012

It's Not You, It's Me

Nakaisang taon na pala, parang kailan lang… Well, I didn’t really keep track and ain’t sure if I really care. I don’t seem to care about a lot of things these days, anyway. I don’t care about anything or anyone else but myself.

I’m turning into someone I don’t like. I barely look at myself in the mirror for fear of what I would see. I don’t really recognize me sometimes. I do things I’d soon regret, I say things I don’t really mean, I’m being so mean to the people I care about. Plus, I’m not so passionate about writing anymore. In fact I don’t know where all my passion has gone. I’m becoming this boring person with no friends who doesn’t know what to do with her life.

There are times that I feel like I’m on the right track, like I’ve got it all planned and figured out, and that I don’t really need anyone else but the people I have in my life right now. But something’s amiss. I miss a lot of things. I miss doing a lot of things. And I miss a lot of people. I’ve been so disconnected to a lot of my friends, so-called friends, my frenemies, and even with my own self! What is “me time,” seriously?

I used to complain a lot about being bum and not having something worthwhile to do. Did having a job change that? No fucking way. I changed a lot but I’m still the same, believe it or not. Fuck that. I’m more confused as ever. I might have a view of what I wanna be in the years to come but I still don’t know how to get them and how to be there. What’s worse is that I feel like I’m alone in this sometimes. Like no one really really share my views and wants and needs. That’s why I feel the need to act alone about some things, take charge, take control and manipulate certain situations. Who the hell will get me where I wanna go other than myself? Haayy. Fuck me.

Now let me get back to how I’m changing and not actually liking any of it…

I don’t really like me right now. I might pretend that I do and that I’m so proud of what I’ve achieved (if ever I had any), and that I believe that I’m the most amazing person in the world right now, but none of them is true. I feel trashy. I feel lame. I feel dull. I’m so insecure and conscious. I’m so needy, so sensitive, so stupid, so doubtful, I feel so pathetic.

I’ve built this stupid wall around me when I was younger. I intend for it to keep out harmful things from possessing my body, my mind, and my spirit. It made me safe for a time but as I grow older, I realized that I had to break this wall to be able to enjoy and live life to the fullest. Try as we might, we can’t always stay on the safe side, right? Somewhere, sometime our walls are bound to crumble to expose us to the real world.

I enjoyed taking risks. I learned a lot of lessons by being stupid. And I met many people who influenced me and made me see different life scenarios and I kind of learned from them too. All of these things had their part in changing me, or rather making me see to who I really am... Pushing me into the depths of my inner self and making me recognize what I can be, who I could be, and what I can do with what I have.

Unfortunately, the more I get in touch with my real self and the more I rip off this mask (or these masks) that separates me from the world as it is, the more I see that I’m still as fragile and insecure as this stupid girl I’ve known since childhood.

It’s so weird.  I changed but still stayed the same. Fuck this post. I ain’t even making sense.

So anyway… I realized that this stupid wall I built to keep me safe from this corrupt, dangerous world wasn’t really made to keep me from the world. Its actual purpose is to keep the world away from me. “I’m the bad guy, remember?” The bad girl, rather. Yes, you’re right, I’m the sore thumb. And the black sheep. And the evil amongst all evil. Haay.

I'm more fucked up than ever, I’m still as damaged, I still need saving, but I became more dangerous. I’m not your pretty little damsel in distress anymore. I’m more of a cruel, selfish bitch now… But still in distress and incapable of saving herself. Hah. San ka pa? Ako na talaga. Ako na talaga sisira ng buhay mo, yun lang yun.

Sabi na nga ba eh, I should’ve killed myself when I had the chance. Hahaha. Shet. Emo pa din? Well, yeah. I told you I changed for the worst.

This makes me so sad. I don’t deserve anyone.