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Friday, 24 April 2015

HBD A!

I can’t exactly remember the first time I met you. I can’t even remember if I let you in my life on purpose. You just probably barged in, did your usual magic tricks to get a pretty girl you like, and then boom! We’re friends. Bago ka kumontra, of course I’m the pretty girl. Hehe. Sshhhh.

I don’t think I ever expected us to be friends. You were so loud. Making people laugh is such an easy feat for you. You were the exact opposite of who I was back then. Hehe… Because in my mind, I will always be this prim and proper, calm, cool, and collected lady. #mayganon

Anyway, back to my story.

Our friendship (like most relationships) is a roller coaster ride. There was a time when I was so mad at you, we didn’t talk for months. But being the sweet and determined person that you are, of course you did everything to get me back.

We loved each other more since then… (Hahaha, yeah) Even if I went back to my hometown and we were forced to be in this long distance relationship where we just couldn’t find the time to talk to each other regularly. A lot of things happened; we missed important events about each other, etc. Blah blah. I was sad I didn’t get to be with you and Kat on most of your adventures. I kinda felt left out or whatever. But deep down inside of course I know we will always be friends, no matter what.

I still talk to you when I feel down. You take me away from my problems and away from the things that bothers me (but shouldn’t). You’re really one of the truest friends I have left. And you’re sort of the one I feel closest to. Haha. Weh.

There’s really more to say… But if I tell our whole story in this post, what would be left for me to share next year? Haha kidding. So, as cliché as it is, I am really blessed to have you in my life. I will always be thankful for your constant presence and friendship.

HAPPY HAPPY BIRTHDAY APRIL ADIAO!


Wednesday, 22 April 2015

Way Back Wednesday #1

December 26 2009

When the hurt hurts so bad that I just wanna scream it out but screaming is impossible at the moment (because I can’t make so much noise and someone will surely hit me if I did), I write. I let my thoughts flow from my mind down to my arms into the hand that holds a pen in front of a paper or into my hands that are resting on the keyboard.
My thoughts are actually on a mess. My thinking is fuzzy, alright. Before I come up with something that isn’t all too weird, vague, circular, stupid or fuzzier, I had to sweep everything in my mind first and try to organize them in a way that can be understood by others other than myself (duh). However, others don’t have to understand me anyway.
Writing has always been my refuge. And I don’t wanna bleed anymore. My blood is precious to be wasted. I know there are people out there who die because of blood’s unavailability right when it’s needed the most. So I don’t slash anymore. I realized it was… Just not for me. And I am not so proud of the fact that I used to. But I don’t regret it either. I just don’t wanna do it again.
So what do I write about? Well, I write down everything inside my head just to empty my mind. ‘Cause my head throbs so much if I didn’t. My heart feels like bursting if I try to keep it all inside. My insides won’t be at peace so sleeping will be impossible. I’ve always had trouble sleeping anyway. I dunno if there’ll ever come a time that I’d fall asleep as soon as I lie down. It has been a long time since I slept without too much baggage in my consciousness.

It’s just so hard. This is all so hard. I feel unbearably heavy. When will I be able to experience that unbearable lightness for a change? How.

Friday, 10 April 2015

Kaela's Special Fall

On Easter Sunday, Kaela was pushed by an 11 year old special child. I witnessed the whole thing and I just sat there. There’s probably something wrong with my reflex when it comes to some accidents. I suck.

Kaela and I were at the boy’s living area when he suddenly went down the stairs (from his room probably).There was only the three of us there. The boy’s parent and the other guests and helpers were upstairs or outside. I said hi because I wanted to ask him about his paintings. He undeniably has talent. He didn’t say anything but just looked at me and then at Kaela. I was just staring at him, observing how he’d react to my daughter. I was kind of confident he wouldn’t hurt Kaela, but at the same time, something’s telling me I should approach my daughter and protect her.

I didn’t want to assume anything bad. After all, my cousin is also a special child and he’s nice to people or he just leaves them alone. I’ve also dealt with people with autism and I’ve never met anyone who hurts people on purpose. Maybe I’m just really clueless. I don’t know a lot about these things. I don’t want to assume I know something too. I don’t want to discriminate and all. They will always have a special place in my heart.

(Dang, I don’t even know how to write this piece without offending anyone.)

So I just sat there in front of them, approximately four to five feet away. I looked at Kaela being amused that there’s a kid in the house. (She loves playing with them and calls every child baby; no matter how older they are than her.) I swear her eyes were so wide with wonder and excitement that finally she’d be able to play with someone other than me. The boy approached Kaela and stood in front of her then just pushed her on the chest. Just like that.

I saw the entire thing. It was like a fucking slow motion movie. They were standing in front of each other and then he pushed her. She fell down on her butt first, managed to spread her arms for support and then her head hit the goddamn floor. It’s such a fucking good thing the impact wasn’t that strong so she didn’t injure her head and there was no bump whatsoever. But she cried so loud, it was heartbreaking. I felt like a fucking failure.

I think she cried because someone she probably thought she could trust hurt her. She wasn’t expecting that from a “baby.” I felt like I betrayed her. I was supposed to protect her but I failed because I didn’t trust my motherly instinct.

Of course the moment Kaela fell down and started crying I went to her then carried her from the floor and comforted her. I felt so bad I wanted to cry too. I felt like an incompetent parent. I couldn’t even scold or punish the boy who immediately ran to the kitchen with his hands covering his ears. I had no one to be mad at but myself. I can’t even blame the boy who probably didn’t know the extent and consequences of what he did.


LESSON: Never ever leave your daughter’s side. I really have a lot to learn about being a parent and a decent human being in this world. I guess I could also say that one should never ever assume that there won’t be any danger to your child, even when you think they’re in a safe place.